I am dealing with so much right now. I can't believe how much pain I have. The Lord is healing me, but it is so unbearable at times that I can barely keep it together.
Everything came like a flood last year. The Lord warned me about it, but I couldn't understand it at the time. During the end of 2016 I was really struggling, to the point where I was feeling completely disconnected from Jesus, and He told me that my lamp was empty, and that I was going to have to start walking in faith, and I started really praying and fasting and studying the Word, telling the Lord that no matter what trials I have to go through, I am all His and so is my life. And I was allowing Him to move me out of some strongholds that were keeping me in darkness since childhood. He then gave me Isaiah 43:2 to let me know He was gonna be with me during the trials that were coming. But I had no idea what was ahead of me... Everything piled up, it all came crashing down over me at once, attacks from every angle, the abusive relationship that nearly killed me, then more persecution and false Christians trying to mislead me, meanwhile struggling with being so demonized after my ex forced me back into darkness, I could barely remember the Bible. But the Lord moved so powerfully and He taught me so much through it. I completely came out of the darkness that I was in the year before, and I finally started dealing with my childhood trauma, and Jesus was healing my soul. But I am left so deeply traumatized, in shock and in despair... I look at God and I feel so blessed. He revealed so much to me last year, and He equipped me for ministry, taught me about the gifts that He has given me, and I just had so many completely mind-blowing moments of deep revelation and I saw so many miracles. I am so grateful for it. And it is such a good foundation for the future.
I even got to begin ministering to other people, and I saw so much good happening in their lives. Two people who begun to come out of a lifetime of bondage. It is amazing!!! I know that I have such a good future, and a deep relationship with God and I feel joy in my spirit several times a day.
But most of the time, I can't seem to focus on any of that. Because I am feeling so much pain that I can't see straight. I had no one to talk to last year, and I felt shut down every time I tried to talk about what was going on, how deeply I was struggling. And I really, really just needed someone to talk to. So I pushed it all away, not dealing with the pain, and it festered, and now there is like a horrible infected wound in me that I have no idea how to deal with. I can't seem to get over the way my ex tormented me, or what happened next, which I won't go into. The Lord had prophesied this attack to me a year earlier through a dream, and in the dream my spiritual state in Christ was completely devastated by this relationship. It turned into a wasteland, wilderness, desert, I saw a dried up lake. I love how the Lord comforted me with this, letting me know He wasn't surprised and He was completely in control. But I hate that it happened. I was so completely devastated, that I barely knew my name any longer. A few friends tried to warn me about this relationship as well, but I didn't listen to them either. It seems that the Lord is constantly warning me, but I'm not listening.
A few months ago He started warning me that a false prophet was gonna show up to try and steer me away from truth, and He even told me through which person the false prophet was gonna appear, and I didn't listen, because I was so naive and insecure... and it all happened, and the results were horrible... I broke again. But as Jesus is picking up all the broken pieces of my soul, I am pretty sure that He is gonna make me a lot smarter and wiser, and a lot more aware of what He is telling me, so I won't fall into these kinds of traps any longer.
There is just too much pain right now for me to face, but I have to face it, I have to deal with it, and God is giving me much love and constant encouragement and comfort. I just cannot understand how one person can be so evil. I have never seen anything like it, and it came so suddenly, my soul is still trapped in one horrible moment where everything fell apart completely. I am so sad, and it's like my soul is screaming inside of me, wanting to run away, asking "Where is God???", because I couldn't find Him at that moment, because I was so confused and blinded by what my ex was doing to me. I am so angry too, but I don't even know who to be angry at. I don't know how to get past this. I feel so stuck.
What happened had to happen, for so many reasons, because I wasn't dealing with my past, I was hiding from the Lord out of shame, I was completely stuck and not moving with Jesus almost at all, and I was waaay too trusting, listening to all the wrong people out of insecurity. So in a way, I am definitely grateful to God for it, but I just wish that I would have had one single friend that could have helped me overcome this last year, so I wouldn't have had to go through this much pain. At least I will be able to be that person for other people in the future, and I will happily accept that, because I have asked the Lord many times to make sure that I experience as much as possible in life so He can use that to help other people.
But my heart isn't happy. I'm rambling on and on now... just can't seem to focus my thoughts at all right now. God is in control though, so I will keep trusting in Him.
Everything came like a flood last year. The Lord warned me about it, but I couldn't understand it at the time. During the end of 2016 I was really struggling, to the point where I was feeling completely disconnected from Jesus, and He told me that my lamp was empty, and that I was going to have to start walking in faith, and I started really praying and fasting and studying the Word, telling the Lord that no matter what trials I have to go through, I am all His and so is my life. And I was allowing Him to move me out of some strongholds that were keeping me in darkness since childhood. He then gave me Isaiah 43:2 to let me know He was gonna be with me during the trials that were coming. But I had no idea what was ahead of me... Everything piled up, it all came crashing down over me at once, attacks from every angle, the abusive relationship that nearly killed me, then more persecution and false Christians trying to mislead me, meanwhile struggling with being so demonized after my ex forced me back into darkness, I could barely remember the Bible. But the Lord moved so powerfully and He taught me so much through it. I completely came out of the darkness that I was in the year before, and I finally started dealing with my childhood trauma, and Jesus was healing my soul. But I am left so deeply traumatized, in shock and in despair... I look at God and I feel so blessed. He revealed so much to me last year, and He equipped me for ministry, taught me about the gifts that He has given me, and I just had so many completely mind-blowing moments of deep revelation and I saw so many miracles. I am so grateful for it. And it is such a good foundation for the future.
I even got to begin ministering to other people, and I saw so much good happening in their lives. Two people who begun to come out of a lifetime of bondage. It is amazing!!! I know that I have such a good future, and a deep relationship with God and I feel joy in my spirit several times a day.But most of the time, I can't seem to focus on any of that. Because I am feeling so much pain that I can't see straight. I had no one to talk to last year, and I felt shut down every time I tried to talk about what was going on, how deeply I was struggling. And I really, really just needed someone to talk to. So I pushed it all away, not dealing with the pain, and it festered, and now there is like a horrible infected wound in me that I have no idea how to deal with. I can't seem to get over the way my ex tormented me, or what happened next, which I won't go into. The Lord had prophesied this attack to me a year earlier through a dream, and in the dream my spiritual state in Christ was completely devastated by this relationship. It turned into a wasteland, wilderness, desert, I saw a dried up lake. I love how the Lord comforted me with this, letting me know He wasn't surprised and He was completely in control. But I hate that it happened. I was so completely devastated, that I barely knew my name any longer. A few friends tried to warn me about this relationship as well, but I didn't listen to them either. It seems that the Lord is constantly warning me, but I'm not listening.
A few months ago He started warning me that a false prophet was gonna show up to try and steer me away from truth, and He even told me through which person the false prophet was gonna appear, and I didn't listen, because I was so naive and insecure... and it all happened, and the results were horrible... I broke again. But as Jesus is picking up all the broken pieces of my soul, I am pretty sure that He is gonna make me a lot smarter and wiser, and a lot more aware of what He is telling me, so I won't fall into these kinds of traps any longer.
There is just too much pain right now for me to face, but I have to face it, I have to deal with it, and God is giving me much love and constant encouragement and comfort. I just cannot understand how one person can be so evil. I have never seen anything like it, and it came so suddenly, my soul is still trapped in one horrible moment where everything fell apart completely. I am so sad, and it's like my soul is screaming inside of me, wanting to run away, asking "Where is God???", because I couldn't find Him at that moment, because I was so confused and blinded by what my ex was doing to me. I am so angry too, but I don't even know who to be angry at. I don't know how to get past this. I feel so stuck.
What happened had to happen, for so many reasons, because I wasn't dealing with my past, I was hiding from the Lord out of shame, I was completely stuck and not moving with Jesus almost at all, and I was waaay too trusting, listening to all the wrong people out of insecurity. So in a way, I am definitely grateful to God for it, but I just wish that I would have had one single friend that could have helped me overcome this last year, so I wouldn't have had to go through this much pain. At least I will be able to be that person for other people in the future, and I will happily accept that, because I have asked the Lord many times to make sure that I experience as much as possible in life so He can use that to help other people.
But my heart isn't happy. I'm rambling on and on now... just can't seem to focus my thoughts at all right now. God is in control though, so I will keep trusting in Him.
