If a year or two ago you asked me if I ever saw myself being the type of person who woke up in a good mood, who kept a smile on her face, who had Real Joy- I would have looked at you as if you had two heads and said,
"Me? You've got to be kidding!"
I used to be the type of person who complained a lot. Oh my goodness...the endless ranting I did. How did anyone ever put up with me? I used to be so melodramatic...I talked about people...just so awful. Awful awful! I went around so defeated and depressed all the time...I had no hope..no joy. And it showed. I was a sight.
So what changed?
Two years ago I lost my abuser and found God. Since then He has been working in me and there is such a difference in me. Let me tell ya...I used to have people tell me all the time how unhappy I looked, even how mean I looked. Now I have people tell me how positive and upbeat I seem. I even had one lady in church tell me, " I don't know what it is but you just seem to be glowing lately!"
I used to rant on and on about anything and everything and everyone that frustrated me. Can I tell you?- doing that just makes all the problems bigger! I never once solved anything why complaining about it. It just makes you bitter. Because when you spend all your time and energy complaining your dwelling on negative things. And to dwell means to talk about right about or think about a thing at length. It means you live it. Its what you're about. Everything you do and everything you say and everything you think revolves around what you dwell in. Its your home. Don't dwell on the negative. Yes it can be good to talk about things and get them off your chest. It can help you sort things out. And its fine to seek advice from others. But after a certain point...you have to let it go. Your coworker really irritated you, you came home and talked to your spouse about it for a couple of minutes...you vented. Fine. And then you let it go. "Drop it. Leave it. Let it go." I needed this wisdom in my life a couple years ago.
I got sidetracked a bit...where was I...
Ah...so I'm a different person now (for the better) since being saved. Happier, friendlier, more compassionate, and a lot less judgmental. Much more joyful.
I know, you read the title of my post and you sense a "but" coming on.
This morning Im a little down. I just feel bad about myself, which is what the enemy wanted. Give him an inch and he takes a mile. The enemy is trying to remind me of all the painful things that have been said to me. Especially in regards to how I look. The attack even went as far as "why don't you just drown yourself? You'll never be anything." (I was taking a bath at that time)
I tried singing a bit...and got,
"You can't sing. You don't even know the words!"
I tried skimming my bible. I know its awful to say..but I'm just not feeling it. Lets be honest, if we are not open to receiving God's word, then we simply won't. If we don't expect to get anything from it whether it's from the pastor at church or from reading it directly- we get from it whatever we expect. Close your heart and close your mind and they can't be filled.
I know ill snap out of this after awhile. After all, God has does not forsake me just because I have an off day. He still loves me and I still love Him.
And you know what? Maybe just maybe He wants to use this morning of stolen joy for me to help others. Maybe one of you out there reading this just needed to know someone felt the same. Maybe one of you reading this is in a dark state of depression and hopelessness like I once was. And maybe it gives you hope to read that I am out of that state now. Despite this morning I am probably the happiest I've ever been in my life. I have two beautiful children. I have God! I have new friendships. I have more people in my life now that I care about and that care about me then I have ever had before in my life. I went so many years without experiencing affection and now I have people who hug me regularly and tell me how much they love me. I have joy ( though yes sometimes It can be shaKen a bir. I know this is only temporary and i refuse to dwell here any longer!) yes- here we go- I feel the fire reigniting. The devil will not- can Not bring me down! I will not bow my head in defeat-I will rise. God's word said if He is for us who dare be against us? Greater is He living inside of me!
All of you with your heads bowed in defeat- Rise! "Rise, shine, for your light has come!" isaiah...60?
Im here as a living testimony to tell you that things can change. They can love. I've seen it I've lived it. He can pick you up out of the ashes and not just restore you but renew you. He's been there the whole time. He has not, He will not- leave you nor forsake you. He can take your hurting heart and fill it with His love and His peace and His joy! I know this to be true. Yes, there will be times when that joy and that peace is tested, even shaken. But always remember that the Love Remains.
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