Lots of things are not going as well as I would like. My contacts are blurry and I don't know why, it changes but sometimes I can't read road signs which is a problem (still better than no contacts I would only see green blurs even right under them). I have so many bad thoughts cursing and blaspheming God and for some reason thinking I am a "[insert person of other faith]" which is crazy thoughts but I don't like them. Also I have this fear of judgement day, my mom crying about me being sent to hell or this thought from what someone said (which may be my mind running away with it and totally twisting what s/he said) about the saved not being sad anymore so her looking at me totally indifferent and I don't want either of those but love of God should come before love of my mother or fear of being separated. Also judging my classmates, I am in no position to judge but yet I feel I do. And the getting into non-existent arguments in your head? *raises hand* Also these people looked at me funny so I took out a headphone and gave them a look back which is probably not what I should have done. Also I feel like talking about my high school sometimes I unfairly trash it to others and unfairly slander and I feel like I need to control that. Still on Numbers three and my bible study is on like 22? Even on 88.3 sometimes they say stuff that makes me feel guilty or scared or sad and I want to be safe and loved. I feel a little discouraged to read the bible sometimes by feeling fake or superficial, like I don't want to do it to tick off a box but also I wonder is it that I should read to have more faith, or have faith (or at least believe God is helping me read) to read? Also my mom already thinks I'm working too much (18 hours this week) but they are short staffed and I feel like I can handle this much. Now when someone orders a BLPMANDJKSHDHKAKSKK ( we have so many abbreviations) I leave it, I am dreading ice cream training a little bit.
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