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Not As It Should Be

  1. Lots of things are not going as well as I would like. My contacts are blurry and I don't know why, it changes but sometimes I can't read road signs which is a problem (still better than no contacts I would only see green blurs even right under them). I have so many bad thoughts cursing and blaspheming God and for some reason thinking I am a "[insert person of other faith]" which is crazy thoughts but I don't like them. Also I have this fear of judgement day, my mom crying about me being sent to hell or this thought from what someone said (which may be my mind running away with it and totally twisting what s/he said) about the saved not being sad anymore so her looking at me totally indifferent and I don't want either of those but love of God should come before love of my mother or fear of being separated. Also judging my classmates, I am in no position to judge but yet I feel I do. And the getting into non-existent arguments in your head? *raises hand* Also these people looked at me funny so I took out a headphone and gave them a look back which is probably not what I should have done. Also I feel like talking about my high school sometimes I unfairly trash it to others and unfairly slander and I feel like I need to control that. Still on Numbers three and my bible study is on like 22? Even on 88.3 sometimes they say stuff that makes me feel guilty or scared or sad and I want to be safe and loved. I feel a little discouraged to read the bible sometimes by feeling fake or superficial, like I don't want to do it to tick off a box but also I wonder is it that I should read to have more faith, or have faith (or at least believe God is helping me read) to read? Also my mom already thinks I'm working too much (18 hours this week) but they are short staffed and I feel like I can handle this much. Now when someone orders a BLPMANDJKSHDHKAKSKK ( we have so many abbreviations) I leave it, I am dreading ice cream training a little bit.

    About Author

    DeerGlow
    18-year-old baptist from Texas. I grew up in the church but strayed from the faith when I was around sixteen. I have a fear of committing apostasy, the unpardonable sin, and not being saved. I have undiagnosed mental issues, but live with them. I like to learn languages and have recently gotten into drawing and painting again. I am in a CF study group that is going through a whole-bible-in-a-year plan, which helps motivate me to read the Bible even on days I do not feel like it.
    Shoetoyou and Emli like this.

Comments

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  1. Root of Jesse
    Beginning such a job is understandably tough. Have you ever watched how the bosses in Undercover Boss can't do the 'simplest' jobs i their respective journeys through their businesses? Regarding your other issues, life is really a challenge. I think it's admirable that you're sorry for your failures, and that you get up again, dust your self off, and persevere.
    Some possible inspiration for you:


  2. mukk_in
    Hope you don't mind me responding to your blogs kid (do let me know if I'm bothering you). Meditate on this verse sunshine, "Perfect love casts out all fear." As for your work schedule, tell me about it :). But don't worry, He has a perfect rest planned for us. God bless :).
    1. DeerGlow
      Don't mind? I like it when people respond. I don't think my schedule is bad, I go to school two days a week and work three days, it's not like I'm working a crazy amount (I mean older-than-me adults will do 30-40+ right?). I'll try to think about that verse too. :)
      mukk_in likes this.
  3. HereIStand
    Hi, DeerGlow. Read what you can in the Bible study. There is no set requirement to read a certain amount per day. Don't feel pressure. I wouldn't take on too many work hours. Work for spending money. Concentrate on studying and having fun. Praying for you each morning.
    1. DeerGlow
      Well, I don't think that's too many hours is the thing. Like I have already finished all of my homework (except what is due in like two weeks and a project I am not sure when it is due but no sooner than Monday). And like these dreams, I keep having these dreams that are full of bad things but not always scary and make me wake up scared.
  4. Emli
    :prayer: Praying for you.

    Are you happy with your job?
    1. DeerGlow
      Yes! I am just nervous about messing it up.
      Emli likes this.
    2. Emli
      Oh, I think you are gonna be just fine. Jesus is with you. :)