Written awhile ago, but still works.
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Jo and I am running for the office of the President. I came to this decision after watching the Democratic Debates and thinking how I would make a good president. I mean why not? I have some great ideas and others often compliment me for my wisdom. They call me "wise guy". I am glad to see that people recognize my wisdom. But I wish they would get my sex right.
Here begins my run for the office of the President. These will be my top agendas:
3. Away with "the law". It is outdated and too constricting anyway. I mean for real, the good citizens of this nation don't need the law. We are not the problem. It is the law.
2. More responsibility and involvement from the general public. Delegation and personal responsibility. Maybe I can sell that program enough where I wouldn't have to do anything and avoid it all myself.
1. Have everyone think like me so I wouldn't ever have any difficulty. That's my plan for peace.
Do I have your vote? I promise not to raise taxes. Who needs new roads and an army anyway? We can go back to horses and I think there is something to my plan for peace.
Ok, don't have much time before the next election so I gotta get to work.
My Foreign Policy:
3. Every country needs to be viewing the same news broadcast so we can be sure we are all educated on what is going on around the world. I strongly suggest a vote for the U.S. news programming because I just can't get enough information about the personal lives of the rich and famous.
There are starving children around the world? Really?
2. Live and let live. Just don't do it in your neighbor's yard because he has the right to protect himself from any perceived danger.
1. Everyone must speak the same language. Maybe then we can make a unified great city unto ourselves and our names won't be forgotten.
On Economics:
3. Curb foreign supply to help meet the employment and financial needs of our people. China is exempt because they make cool stuff that makes my life easy and fun.
Is lead paint really that big of an issue?
2. Raise demand at home by allowing the media to lead us into becoming an insecure society that believes we need "Calvin Klein" jeans and such to be loved, accepted and approved of our peers.
And no I don't own a pair of Calvin Klein jeans. I wouldn't be caught dead in anything but "Polo".
1. Let's add an option on our Federal Income Tax returns allowing us to voluntarily contribute to the deficit. I promise I won't touch it without your approval. You can trust me.
On the Rising Cost of Healthcare:
Vicks in every household will be passed as law. We just don't give enough credit to household remedies.
I'm telling you I don't work for them. Quit asking.
No complaints unless you intend to be part of the solution. Your President should be exempt because she will have enough on her plate. Pass the salt please.
Ok, I know everyone has been holding their breaths for this one, "The Cabinet".
Vice President: Leonardo De Carpio-Only because he's so darn cute. Has nothing to do with his wonderful acting skills, really.
Secretary of Defense: Anyone that understands I'm "Commander in Chief" and doesn't look to question my authority. Position open. Don't all come flooding in at once.
Homeland Security: I plan on doing away with this department. They make my life miserable at airports. I cannot wait an extra hour for security measures. Do people really hijack planes anyway?
U.S. Trade Representative: Anyone with a fashion sense, no degree required.
Department of Education: Do we really need this department too? I think TV is doing a fine job educating our children. I could use the money for more shoes.
Secretary of State: Which state? No one told me which state. This one may have to go on the back burner until I can figure it out. I may have to bluff it and go with Michigan.
And although I know I will do a good job and impress everyone, please don't ask me to run a second term. Please, no tears. Presidents get a bad reputation during second terms. Too much time in office to figure out I don't know it all and have all the answers for you. Plus, four years I think is long enough under the pressure of trying to hide my flaws so every decent thing I may have done isn't lost and forgotten. I know it's hard to tell I have them because I come across so brilliant and perfect.
It's a gift.
Well I think I may have the "Secretary of State" for Michigan position filled real soon. You snooze, you lose. Carrie has shown interest and states she can type 45 correct words per minute (a must for that position). She also assures me that she reads Dilbert so she knows what a secretary is suppose to do. This brings me great joy because this running for office is more work than I initially thought. I have a secretary! I hope she takes short-hand too.
Ok, on with the issues.
On Immigration: No alien will be given citizenship until they have shown their capability of making a whole lot of money to keep our economy going. Upon entering, they will meet with Donald Trump who will be in charge of determining their competency. Those who do not hear the dreaded "You're fired" will be granted citizenship. I think this will drastically reduce the amount of immigration to the U.S. I mean for real, how are we suppose to support all these foreigners?
On Religion and Government: Absolutely no removal of the words "In God We Trust" from our currency. Geesh, what's wrong with you people? Where's your faith?
On Global Warming: I thought most people like warm weather but
I guess not. Ok, the use of air conditioners will be illegal for the
first year of my Presidency. Maybe then we will understand how uncomfortable things can become for future generations. Hopefully this, and returning the commercial with the teary Indian, will spark more awareness for our environment. Of course your President will be exempt. She's not real thrilled about warm weather and it's only fair considering everything else she has to deal with.
On the War on Drugs: Legalize it. You really
think people will want to do drugs if it's legal? You gotta be kidding. I mean look at how well it worked with alcohol.
Well, someone appears to believe my brilliant idea for global warming awareness will cause me to lose the state of Florida.
Amateurs, way ahead of you. I've already factored Florida into the equation. Haven't you heard? They don't know how to read a ballot. I feel confident this will work in my favor.
They do have my sympathies though, multiple choice questions can be real difficult.
Thanks for the warning anyway. I thought about offering you a position in my cabinet but now I dunno. You gotta have more confidence in me.
Alright, alright, please, no tears. I hate to see a grown man cry. I really don't want you to miss out on such a great opportunity so I will overlook it this time.
How's your sense of style? I would really like to get that U.S. Trade Representative slot filled real soon.
More on the War on Drugs: Why are we wasting our time on the little players? Crack down on the big time drug dealers. Who needs doctors anyway?
On Economic Growth: Have Walmart declared a monopoly. Am I the only one that sees this conspiracy? Wake up America!
I think that will suffice.
On Social Security Reform: Charity will begin at home so take care of your elderly. Eligible families will be rewarded with a generous tax cut. For you we will do away with that FICA dude. I don't like him anyway. He takes a good portion of my hard earned money.
On the War on Terrorism: Mess with the U.S. and we will invade your television programming with the "Jerry Springer" show. Please, don't test me on this one.
Why can't we all just get along?
On Torture and Interrogation Techniques: Got it covered. Time to unveil my secret weapon. The offender will be isolated in a row room with Barney the purple dinosaur. I'm certain within half an hour he will be screaming for mercy and fessing up. Furthermore, with this excruciating technique I feel confident he will also give up Bin Laden within the hour.
On Special Interest Groups: Why are we so concerned about them anyway? I find it an insult to the office of the Presidency. Everyone knows that the President is the most powerful person in the United States. Haven't you heard? It is all our fault when the economy is sluggish, when Wall Street is being visited by Yoyo the bear, when inflation is at a high, when education is at a low, when it snows too much, when the sun doesn't shine, when Florida is visited by 5 consecutive hurricanes, and let`s not forget "El Nino".
The man for the job is a woman. Remember me on election day.
First things I will change when I am in office:
10. The removal of all Hummers from the road. I'm so over it.
9. The color of the white house. How boring. Time to spice it up with some color.
How about hot pink?
8. Ensure Vice President Leonardo De Carpio wins the Oscar on his next movie.
Conspiracies everywhere I tell you and I am going to put an end to this one.
7. Remove all the Hollywood gossip from CNN. Do they think people are really interested in that stuff anyway? They'll be thanking me soon when their ratings hit the roof.
Gossip doesn't sell. Get real.
6. Stop spending hard earned tax dollars on a cheesy fence on the south border. Are they for real? Most of us know how to get around a fence. There are a lotta more effective ways, like closing all Taco Bell chains.
Side note: A joke my fellow Latinos. Te amo mucho. Yo quiero Taco Bell. Suppose to be a "things that make you go hmmm" thing. No offense really. Don't make me cry. I'm on your side. On that note, don't forget to vote for me.
5. And for those that are brave enough to stay after such drastic measures, hire them where ever we can. I'm really over, "It's not in my job description" from our citizens. Maybe you'll change your tune when you find you have been replaced and can only find work at some cheesy sweatshop south of the border. Nothing like some friendly foreign exchange to birth compassion and appreciation.
4. No complaining about "made in a foreign country" labels if you drive a Honda, Toyota, etc.
3. Have Dancing with the stars on 5 days a week.
2. Goodbye Jerry Springer show. It's a weapon, not a toy.
***DRUM ROLL PLEAZZZZZZZZZZZZZE***
1. Bank's interest rates will not exceed 7%.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. Oh, enough with the standing ovation already (blush).
Now you know whose a smart guy? It's that Groucho Marx. I know, I know, not someone as obviously gifted in politics as me but you'd be surprised. I'm glad he isn't running because I would finally have some competition on my hands. This man knew about politics. Looky what he said here:
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
Ain't that the truth. It's just so sad how ignorant people can be. As you can see, I plan on changing that.
Cast your vote in the right direction. Vote for me on election day.
And for my Floridian friends, that would be multiple choice question number 1, option C.
My Run for Office
All Roads Meet at the Cross of Jesus Christ
A Satirical View of Politics and Society
All Roads Meet at the Cross of Jesus Christ
A Satirical View of Politics and Society
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Jo and I am running for the office of the President. I came to this decision after watching the Democratic Debates and thinking how I would make a good president. I mean why not? I have some great ideas and others often compliment me for my wisdom. They call me "wise guy". I am glad to see that people recognize my wisdom. But I wish they would get my sex right.
Here begins my run for the office of the President. These will be my top agendas:
3. Away with "the law". It is outdated and too constricting anyway. I mean for real, the good citizens of this nation don't need the law. We are not the problem. It is the law.
2. More responsibility and involvement from the general public. Delegation and personal responsibility. Maybe I can sell that program enough where I wouldn't have to do anything and avoid it all myself.
1. Have everyone think like me so I wouldn't ever have any difficulty. That's my plan for peace.
Do I have your vote? I promise not to raise taxes. Who needs new roads and an army anyway? We can go back to horses and I think there is something to my plan for peace.
Ok, don't have much time before the next election so I gotta get to work.
My Foreign Policy:
3. Every country needs to be viewing the same news broadcast so we can be sure we are all educated on what is going on around the world. I strongly suggest a vote for the U.S. news programming because I just can't get enough information about the personal lives of the rich and famous.
There are starving children around the world? Really?
2. Live and let live. Just don't do it in your neighbor's yard because he has the right to protect himself from any perceived danger.
1. Everyone must speak the same language. Maybe then we can make a unified great city unto ourselves and our names won't be forgotten.
On Economics:
3. Curb foreign supply to help meet the employment and financial needs of our people. China is exempt because they make cool stuff that makes my life easy and fun.
Is lead paint really that big of an issue?
2. Raise demand at home by allowing the media to lead us into becoming an insecure society that believes we need "Calvin Klein" jeans and such to be loved, accepted and approved of our peers.
And no I don't own a pair of Calvin Klein jeans. I wouldn't be caught dead in anything but "Polo".
1. Let's add an option on our Federal Income Tax returns allowing us to voluntarily contribute to the deficit. I promise I won't touch it without your approval. You can trust me.
On the Rising Cost of Healthcare:
Vicks in every household will be passed as law. We just don't give enough credit to household remedies.
I'm telling you I don't work for them. Quit asking.
I would also add this as our motto:No complaints unless you intend to be part of the solution. Your President should be exempt because she will have enough on her plate. Pass the salt please.
Ok, I know everyone has been holding their breaths for this one, "The Cabinet".
Vice President: Leonardo De Carpio-Only because he's so darn cute. Has nothing to do with his wonderful acting skills, really.
Secretary of Defense: Anyone that understands I'm "Commander in Chief" and doesn't look to question my authority. Position open. Don't all come flooding in at once.
Homeland Security: I plan on doing away with this department. They make my life miserable at airports. I cannot wait an extra hour for security measures. Do people really hijack planes anyway?
U.S. Trade Representative: Anyone with a fashion sense, no degree required.
Department of Education: Do we really need this department too? I think TV is doing a fine job educating our children. I could use the money for more shoes.
Secretary of State: Which state? No one told me which state. This one may have to go on the back burner until I can figure it out. I may have to bluff it and go with Michigan.
And although I know I will do a good job and impress everyone, please don't ask me to run a second term. Please, no tears. Presidents get a bad reputation during second terms. Too much time in office to figure out I don't know it all and have all the answers for you. Plus, four years I think is long enough under the pressure of trying to hide my flaws so every decent thing I may have done isn't lost and forgotten. I know it's hard to tell I have them because I come across so brilliant and perfect.
It's a gift.
Well I think I may have the "Secretary of State" for Michigan position filled real soon. You snooze, you lose. Carrie has shown interest and states she can type 45 correct words per minute (a must for that position). She also assures me that she reads Dilbert so she knows what a secretary is suppose to do. This brings me great joy because this running for office is more work than I initially thought. I have a secretary! I hope she takes short-hand too.
Ok, on with the issues.
On Immigration: No alien will be given citizenship until they have shown their capability of making a whole lot of money to keep our economy going. Upon entering, they will meet with Donald Trump who will be in charge of determining their competency. Those who do not hear the dreaded "You're fired" will be granted citizenship. I think this will drastically reduce the amount of immigration to the U.S. I mean for real, how are we suppose to support all these foreigners?
On Religion and Government: Absolutely no removal of the words "In God We Trust" from our currency. Geesh, what's wrong with you people? Where's your faith?
On Global Warming: I thought most people like warm weather but
I guess not. Ok, the use of air conditioners will be illegal for the
On the War on Drugs: Legalize it. You really
think people will want to do drugs if it's legal? You gotta be kidding. I mean look at how well it worked with alcohol.
Well, someone appears to believe my brilliant idea for global warming awareness will cause me to lose the state of Florida.
Amateurs, way ahead of you. I've already factored Florida into the equation. Haven't you heard? They don't know how to read a ballot. I feel confident this will work in my favor.
They do have my sympathies though, multiple choice questions can be real difficult.
Thanks for the warning anyway. I thought about offering you a position in my cabinet but now I dunno. You gotta have more confidence in me.
Alright, alright, please, no tears. I hate to see a grown man cry. I really don't want you to miss out on such a great opportunity so I will overlook it this time.
How's your sense of style? I would really like to get that U.S. Trade Representative slot filled real soon.
On Economic Growth: Have Walmart declared a monopoly. Am I the only one that sees this conspiracy? Wake up America!
I think that will suffice.
On Social Security Reform: Charity will begin at home so take care of your elderly. Eligible families will be rewarded with a generous tax cut. For you we will do away with that FICA dude. I don't like him anyway. He takes a good portion of my hard earned money.
On the War on Terrorism: Mess with the U.S. and we will invade your television programming with the "Jerry Springer" show. Please, don't test me on this one.
Why can't we all just get along?
On Torture and Interrogation Techniques: Got it covered. Time to unveil my secret weapon. The offender will be isolated in a row room with Barney the purple dinosaur. I'm certain within half an hour he will be screaming for mercy and fessing up. Furthermore, with this excruciating technique I feel confident he will also give up Bin Laden within the hour.
On Special Interest Groups: Why are we so concerned about them anyway? I find it an insult to the office of the Presidency. Everyone knows that the President is the most powerful person in the United States. Haven't you heard? It is all our fault when the economy is sluggish, when Wall Street is being visited by Yoyo the bear, when inflation is at a high, when education is at a low, when it snows too much, when the sun doesn't shine, when Florida is visited by 5 consecutive hurricanes, and let`s not forget "El Nino".
The man for the job is a woman. Remember me on election day.
First things I will change when I am in office:
10. The removal of all Hummers from the road. I'm so over it.
9. The color of the white house. How boring. Time to spice it up with some color.
How about hot pink?
8. Ensure Vice President Leonardo De Carpio wins the Oscar on his next movie.
Conspiracies everywhere I tell you and I am going to put an end to this one.
7. Remove all the Hollywood gossip from CNN. Do they think people are really interested in that stuff anyway? They'll be thanking me soon when their ratings hit the roof.
Gossip doesn't sell. Get real.
6. Stop spending hard earned tax dollars on a cheesy fence on the south border. Are they for real? Most of us know how to get around a fence. There are a lotta more effective ways, like closing all Taco Bell chains.
Side note: A joke my fellow Latinos. Te amo mucho. Yo quiero Taco Bell. Suppose to be a "things that make you go hmmm" thing. No offense really. Don't make me cry. I'm on your side. On that note, don't forget to vote for me.
5. And for those that are brave enough to stay after such drastic measures, hire them where ever we can. I'm really over, "It's not in my job description" from our citizens. Maybe you'll change your tune when you find you have been replaced and can only find work at some cheesy sweatshop south of the border. Nothing like some friendly foreign exchange to birth compassion and appreciation.
4. No complaining about "made in a foreign country" labels if you drive a Honda, Toyota, etc.
3. Have Dancing with the stars on 5 days a week.
2. Goodbye Jerry Springer show. It's a weapon, not a toy.
***DRUM ROLL PLEAZZZZZZZZZZZZZE***
1. Bank's interest rates will not exceed 7%.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU. Oh, enough with the standing ovation already (blush).
Now you know whose a smart guy? It's that Groucho Marx. I know, I know, not someone as obviously gifted in politics as me but you'd be surprised. I'm glad he isn't running because I would finally have some competition on my hands. This man knew about politics. Looky what he said here:
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
Ain't that the truth. It's just so sad how ignorant people can be. As you can see, I plan on changing that.
Cast your vote in the right direction. Vote for me on election day.
And for my Floridian friends, that would be multiple choice question number 1, option C.
