I look into my future and I see nothing but hardship and misery.
My body will age and my health problems will get worse and probably unbearable.
I will never marry because I can't be a good wife to someone and I'll never have children because I can't bear the thought of passing on my genetic defects, mental illness, and health issues to a child. I also am too selfish and sick to care for a child and give them the life they deserve to have.
I'll never get a steady job that I actually like because I can barely hold the part time job I have now. My bills and expenses keep going up and I'm just counting down the days until the time comes where I can't afford anything.
I wont have any family after my mom passes away. I'll be so incredibly lonely. And I spend half of my time angry and annoyed with my mom because she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and verbally abuses me and criticizes me out of the blue and curses and swears at other people and thinks everyone's out to get her. She brings me down so very very low.
And I've given up hope that God will bring anything into my life to turn it around or give me relief. In fact, I'm so far away from God right now because I don't have any hope. I'm probably going to hell so I'm just living a miserable existence until I die and then start a new miserable existence.
Every time I'm relatively okay, I think to myself, "How long do I have this time before things get bad again?" as if that will help me deal with everything when it does get bad again. That never works. Filling my life with things I like and enjoy never really works either. I end up sinning by thought, word, or deed anyway.
I have severe suicide ideation and that never really goes away. And I get judged for it by other Christians. In fact, I feel so very judged all the time.
If God just took away some of my burdens I would be able to push past everything else and pull myself out of the pit. But God wont do that. I'm tired of people saying He will. I'm tired of people saying that He'll be there. It's fine and dandy to have someone "with you" when you're walking in darkness but if they never try to actively help you along the way then you get stuck there with no way out.
I'm tired of people saying that God will open my heart and give me peace and grace. Every time I turn to God things get worse because Satan loves to attack me. I am not strong enough to defend against these attacks plain and simple. No word from God will ever make me strong enough or armed enough. I'm not strong enough to carry my cross and I no longer want to carry my cross. I will not endure this race in grace and peace till the end. I will end up dying alone and miserable and will wake up in hell to spend the rest of eternity there.
Please, no comments that "things will get better" or "pray for god to save you" or "just submit". I've heard it all over and over and tried it all. I've heard every possible response under the sun. Honestly, I've had enough.
My body will age and my health problems will get worse and probably unbearable.
I will never marry because I can't be a good wife to someone and I'll never have children because I can't bear the thought of passing on my genetic defects, mental illness, and health issues to a child. I also am too selfish and sick to care for a child and give them the life they deserve to have.
I'll never get a steady job that I actually like because I can barely hold the part time job I have now. My bills and expenses keep going up and I'm just counting down the days until the time comes where I can't afford anything.
I wont have any family after my mom passes away. I'll be so incredibly lonely. And I spend half of my time angry and annoyed with my mom because she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and verbally abuses me and criticizes me out of the blue and curses and swears at other people and thinks everyone's out to get her. She brings me down so very very low.
And I've given up hope that God will bring anything into my life to turn it around or give me relief. In fact, I'm so far away from God right now because I don't have any hope. I'm probably going to hell so I'm just living a miserable existence until I die and then start a new miserable existence.
Every time I'm relatively okay, I think to myself, "How long do I have this time before things get bad again?" as if that will help me deal with everything when it does get bad again. That never works. Filling my life with things I like and enjoy never really works either. I end up sinning by thought, word, or deed anyway.
I have severe suicide ideation and that never really goes away. And I get judged for it by other Christians. In fact, I feel so very judged all the time.
If God just took away some of my burdens I would be able to push past everything else and pull myself out of the pit. But God wont do that. I'm tired of people saying He will. I'm tired of people saying that He'll be there. It's fine and dandy to have someone "with you" when you're walking in darkness but if they never try to actively help you along the way then you get stuck there with no way out.
I'm tired of people saying that God will open my heart and give me peace and grace. Every time I turn to God things get worse because Satan loves to attack me. I am not strong enough to defend against these attacks plain and simple. No word from God will ever make me strong enough or armed enough. I'm not strong enough to carry my cross and I no longer want to carry my cross. I will not endure this race in grace and peace till the end. I will end up dying alone and miserable and will wake up in hell to spend the rest of eternity there.
Please, no comments that "things will get better" or "pray for god to save you" or "just submit". I've heard it all over and over and tried it all. I've heard every possible response under the sun. Honestly, I've had enough.
