Mea culpa.

First major test. First major failure. The spirit is willing but not willing enough it would seem. I knew I would fail there. I should have avoided the situation better. But also I wanted to feel something normal, something of myself. And of course now I wish I hadn't bothered, I don't feel a bit good about it. And it's opened up a can of worms. It's often been a rather guilt laden affair for me, even before. I just feel flat, I've let myself fall, it seemed inevitable. Probably it didn't have to be. Mea culpa mea culpa, mea maxima culpa. What's the point, this is not me is it. I'm the same as before, except it's a lot harder to like myself now. I thought I was pretty alright really, no angel but heart in the right place mostly, a loyal friend, a loving mother, daughter, sister, a bit lazy, a little easily led, not too wise I suppose but there's worse things. I was happy to be me, and now mostly I obsess about not being good enough and get anxious about not doing enough or cry about how utterly loathsome I am. What a pathetic creature. Not because of what I've just done but that just proves that my self loathing is not misplaced. Woe is me. Me me me. Strong pull to lose myself in a couple of bottles of wine now. Who cares.