For the last two days I have felt God pulling away from me. This time, not because of anything I have done, but because of what others have done to me. So I would get desperate enough to break down in tears and let all that pain out. So I would cry and scream in panic and give all of it to Him. So He could heal me.
I praise Him for it.
My past torments me. All of it. All day long. And I have to deal with it. Let Jesus take it off of my hands and hold it all in His hands. He once gave me the words to speak to a friend who was equally tormented as I was last year: "Our hearts can't stay broken forever, because God is always touching them". I know that God is constantly working all things out for my good, to give me a hope and a future. But the road to get there is painful and hard to walk.
I never learnt how to deal with my feelings, and especially not pain, and I never felt any sense of being loved after I was about 5 years old. It was all constant anguish. But when Christ came into my life, I felt loved for the first time.
That love has been constant in my life since then. But I haven't been receiving it as I should. I've been rejecting it, sometimes screaming at God to kill me or leave me forever (even yesterday and today I did that), because I didn't want to face the pain and confusion that was in the way, and then there was just more pain and confusion piling up in me. But God is faithful even when I can't be. And He knows what I need.
And now He is pushing all of that pain that has been keeping me from Him out of my heart. Because my heart belongs to Jesus, and He wants to fill it with joy.
It hurts. So much. It is overwhelmingly difficult to deal with 31 years of trauma, but God only breaks open those strongholds little by little, or I would probably physically die from the stress.
All this pain comes from hatred, abuse, bullying and condemnation, and it is based on fear. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. Only God can love us with a perfect love.
I have been trapped in constant worrying for the last two years. I was always messed up, but I got a year where everything seemed to make sense to me, then one year where I got trapped in fear again, and one year where it all went wrong. And today Jesus told me to just let go of all that worrying, and I felt it easing up. Like I could finally begin to let go of my past. I have no idea what that will look like, but God will be with me, so I don't have to worry about that either. My darkness seems to be passing completely, and life seems to begin to really make sense again. Praise the Lord!
Father, just keep loving me! I need You! In Jesus' name, Amen!
I praise Him for it.
My past torments me. All of it. All day long. And I have to deal with it. Let Jesus take it off of my hands and hold it all in His hands. He once gave me the words to speak to a friend who was equally tormented as I was last year: "Our hearts can't stay broken forever, because God is always touching them". I know that God is constantly working all things out for my good, to give me a hope and a future. But the road to get there is painful and hard to walk.
I never learnt how to deal with my feelings, and especially not pain, and I never felt any sense of being loved after I was about 5 years old. It was all constant anguish. But when Christ came into my life, I felt loved for the first time.
That love has been constant in my life since then. But I haven't been receiving it as I should. I've been rejecting it, sometimes screaming at God to kill me or leave me forever (even yesterday and today I did that), because I didn't want to face the pain and confusion that was in the way, and then there was just more pain and confusion piling up in me. But God is faithful even when I can't be. And He knows what I need.
And now He is pushing all of that pain that has been keeping me from Him out of my heart. Because my heart belongs to Jesus, and He wants to fill it with joy.
It hurts. So much. It is overwhelmingly difficult to deal with 31 years of trauma, but God only breaks open those strongholds little by little, or I would probably physically die from the stress.
All this pain comes from hatred, abuse, bullying and condemnation, and it is based on fear. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. Only God can love us with a perfect love.
I have been trapped in constant worrying for the last two years. I was always messed up, but I got a year where everything seemed to make sense to me, then one year where I got trapped in fear again, and one year where it all went wrong. And today Jesus told me to just let go of all that worrying, and I felt it easing up. Like I could finally begin to let go of my past. I have no idea what that will look like, but God will be with me, so I don't have to worry about that either. My darkness seems to be passing completely, and life seems to begin to really make sense again. Praise the Lord!
Father, just keep loving me! I need You! In Jesus' name, Amen!
