Lisboa

They seem to be having a gay pride party close to my apartment. I am reminded of the time I strayed into homosexuality and disbelief. I was afraid to be gay but ended up becoming convinced that I was a lesbian, and eventually allowed myself to be decieved and think homosexuality was okay. I think God has removed homosexuality from me now but I feel the weight of that depraved period still. Homosexuality, athiesm, taoism, tarot.... and I think, what if I already blew it, but the tares are growing with the wheat and I won't know until I'm dead that I had no chance (after straying not saying God failed me or something)? I remember what someone told me, a passage in ezekiel or ecclesiasties and that someone who experienced that would never backslide into athiesm. I think a number of people have belive that someone who backslides into athiesm wasn't really saved, or was and did not endure and will go to hell. It seems kind of bleak at the moment. I feel awfully emotionless yet also afraid.