I got let down, even purposefully slighted, yesterday, by one of my 'intimates,' Jesus. It takes so little for this one to hurt me. I am pondering this this morning....woke up at 4:30am, tossing about in bed. WHy? Am I being emotional or what?
Because, plain and simple, me and this one are healing....or trying to, anyway. It just seems that I am doing too much of the trying, lately. Teknon. My ever-present heartache. We get moving along. You minister things to me about my love with him and I feel myself growing in it. Then, I share what I'm learning, feeling, and I keep trying to open it back out to a healthier place..... and WHAMO.... he disregards me, doesn't keep his word, chooses to push something aside.... and I'm so [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth]ed I see SCARLET red.
I told him a few weeks ago, when he was upset about his Mom, that I would never leave him alone, unless he pushed me away. I told him that because, I felt the weight of his burden, being the only child to his battered women Mom. I was wrong ! I would leave him alone.... Not in any dire or life-threatening thing...I'd always come to his aid. But, in the sense that I don't NEED him near me to love him. I can love him with a planet between us. It hurts to love someone, whether they are THERE with you or parted from you, the pain is similar. I've learned to live with that. Got to, can't have loved ones around all the time or forever on this rock. BUT...if HE wants to be near ME...he is gonna have to express love to me, too. I need to correct that with him, somehow, well really YOU DO !!. He slights me a few times, and all the hurt and fear that are still lurking in my shadowy places are relived and remembered. I WANT to RUN FOR THE HILLS. When I forgive someone for something very painful and DO all the work that that requires....You ACTUALLY help me to forget about it. But, if they persist in repeating that thing AGAIN, I not only get hurt again, but I suddenly remember that past thing like it happened today, too. This is NOT hashing up the past, either. It's reacting to TODAY'S PAIN by remembering the past. If there was no NEW infraction, I'd still forget ! I keep telling him that I don't feel safe around him yet, that we need to spend more time together and get some stuff coughed up..... and when he hurts me.... well, I suddenly remember why I need that so much.
He doesn't feel the same need. Why? Because I am VERY forthcoming with my love and affection toward him...so he probably DOES feel safe. I'm a very NOW communicator. But, NOW, as I recall this pain, when I feel shoved under the counter and put aside and under-valued by him, like I did yesterday.... I REMEMBER how our relationship got so marred to begin with long ago. It's that cold disregard ....that less than valued thing .... that walled up heart of his that somehow misappropriates his own words, those that he does let out. But, worse, it's that COLD and STINGY caring that he does for me, that I remembered too well yesterday.
There really are NO LOVERS in this skin husk, except for Hubbs sometimes, who really love me back the way I love them.
YOU DID THIS TO ME, too. Our love is so real that most of these earthly ones are paled and shrunken in nature, by comparison. I can't LIVE without the love I have built with You, Jesus. I CAN'T leave You behind and DON'T WANT TO....
but, I think I could leave just about anybody else behind....
There's very very measely few who create a lack of fear in my heart with good loving of me. Why are You so stingy to pour it out toward me through other people, anyway? It's always moments of love and love in casual relationships that are centered around You and even the great grace that comes from strangers.... But, in this incest family, this BROKEN HEARTED group.... the love comes from me MUCH more than it ever comes TO ME ! I question what I am doing here all the time.
THANKS FOR BEING HERE with me, Jesus. Hug me today, please.
__________________
[FONT=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]You're sons of Light, daughters of Day.
[FONT=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]We live under wide open skies and know where we stand. [FONT=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]So let's not sleepwalk through life ...[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]Since we're creatures of Day, let's act like it.
[FONT=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]Walk out into the daylight sober, dressed up in [/FONT][FONT=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]faith, love, and the hope of salvation.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]1 THESSALONIANS 5:5...8 [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]~ The Message Remix ~[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]<--~~~-->[/FONT]
[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]
Because, plain and simple, me and this one are healing....or trying to, anyway. It just seems that I am doing too much of the trying, lately. Teknon. My ever-present heartache. We get moving along. You minister things to me about my love with him and I feel myself growing in it. Then, I share what I'm learning, feeling, and I keep trying to open it back out to a healthier place..... and WHAMO.... he disregards me, doesn't keep his word, chooses to push something aside.... and I'm so [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth]ed I see SCARLET red.
I told him a few weeks ago, when he was upset about his Mom, that I would never leave him alone, unless he pushed me away. I told him that because, I felt the weight of his burden, being the only child to his battered women Mom. I was wrong ! I would leave him alone.... Not in any dire or life-threatening thing...I'd always come to his aid. But, in the sense that I don't NEED him near me to love him. I can love him with a planet between us. It hurts to love someone, whether they are THERE with you or parted from you, the pain is similar. I've learned to live with that. Got to, can't have loved ones around all the time or forever on this rock. BUT...if HE wants to be near ME...he is gonna have to express love to me, too. I need to correct that with him, somehow, well really YOU DO !!. He slights me a few times, and all the hurt and fear that are still lurking in my shadowy places are relived and remembered. I WANT to RUN FOR THE HILLS. When I forgive someone for something very painful and DO all the work that that requires....You ACTUALLY help me to forget about it. But, if they persist in repeating that thing AGAIN, I not only get hurt again, but I suddenly remember that past thing like it happened today, too. This is NOT hashing up the past, either. It's reacting to TODAY'S PAIN by remembering the past. If there was no NEW infraction, I'd still forget ! I keep telling him that I don't feel safe around him yet, that we need to spend more time together and get some stuff coughed up..... and when he hurts me.... well, I suddenly remember why I need that so much.
He doesn't feel the same need. Why? Because I am VERY forthcoming with my love and affection toward him...so he probably DOES feel safe. I'm a very NOW communicator. But, NOW, as I recall this pain, when I feel shoved under the counter and put aside and under-valued by him, like I did yesterday.... I REMEMBER how our relationship got so marred to begin with long ago. It's that cold disregard ....that less than valued thing .... that walled up heart of his that somehow misappropriates his own words, those that he does let out. But, worse, it's that COLD and STINGY caring that he does for me, that I remembered too well yesterday.
YOU DID THIS TO ME, too. Our love is so real that most of these earthly ones are paled and shrunken in nature, by comparison. I can't LIVE without the love I have built with You, Jesus. I CAN'T leave You behind and DON'T WANT TO....
but, I think I could leave just about anybody else behind....
There's very very measely few who create a lack of fear in my heart with good loving of me. Why are You so stingy to pour it out toward me through other people, anyway? It's always moments of love and love in casual relationships that are centered around You and even the great grace that comes from strangers.... But, in this incest family, this BROKEN HEARTED group.... the love comes from me MUCH more than it ever comes TO ME ! I question what I am doing here all the time.
THANKS FOR BEING HERE with me, Jesus. Hug me today, please.
Psalm 146:9 (The Message)
3-9 Don't put your life in the hands of experts
who know nothing of life, of salvation life.
Mere humans don't have what it takes;
when they die, their projects die with them.
Instead, get help from the God of Jacob,
put your hope in God and know real blessing!
God made sky and soil,
sea and all the fish in it.
He always does what he says—
he defends the wronged,
he feeds the hungry.
God frees prisoners—
he gives sight to the blind,
he lifts up the fallen.
God loves good people, protects strangers,
takes the side of orphans and widows,
but makes short work of the wicked.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T502IGCobHc3-9 Don't put your life in the hands of experts
who know nothing of life, of salvation life.
Mere humans don't have what it takes;
when they die, their projects die with them.
Instead, get help from the God of Jacob,
put your hope in God and know real blessing!
God made sky and soil,
sea and all the fish in it.
He always does what he says—
he defends the wronged,
he feeds the hungry.
God frees prisoners—
he gives sight to the blind,
he lifts up the fallen.
God loves good people, protects strangers,
takes the side of orphans and widows,
but makes short work of the wicked.
"Safe" ~ Natalie Grant ~
__________________
Bow'nDown 
~~---->>> Love; from above and within, Shachah <<<----~~
<--~~~-->
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]Strong's: 7812[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]~ hxX:[FONT=Arial, Helvetica] ~ [FONT=Arial, Helvetica]Definition : [/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]to bow down, prostrate oneself before superior in[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]homage; before God in worship;...[/FONT]
<--~~~-->
~~---->>> Love; from above and within, Shachah <<<----~~
<--~~~-->
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]Strong's: 7812[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]~ hxX:[FONT=Arial, Helvetica] ~ [FONT=Arial, Helvetica]Definition : [/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]to bow down, prostrate oneself before superior in[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]homage; before God in worship;...[/FONT]
<--~~~-->
[FONT=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]You're sons of Light, daughters of Day.
[FONT=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]We live under wide open skies and know where we stand. [FONT=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]So let's not sleepwalk through life ...[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]Since we're creatures of Day, let's act like it.
[FONT=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]Walk out into the daylight sober, dressed up in [/FONT][FONT=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]faith, love, and the hope of salvation.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]1 THESSALONIANS 5:5...8 [/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]~ The Message Remix ~[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]<--~~~-->[/FONT]
[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]
