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Jonah And Black Lives Matter

By ZNP · Jul 6, 2020 · ·
  1. Jonah is a Bible story that every kid thinks they know, but no one tells them the real story. I believe people should know the whole story, warts and all, so I’ll tell you the story but you won’t believe me, you’ll think I’m making the whole thing up (I wish I had that good an imagination).

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  1. ZNP
    Sorry, I forgot to mention that last thing about the animals (I figured you wouldn’t believe me). Apparently these people in Nineveh were so clueless that many cared more about how animals were treated more than how people were treated. Yes, I used BLM prophets as an example, but at the same time there were people demanding the ethical treatment of animals as well. God heard them all. There is one other weird thing that absolutely no one talks about in this story because, frankly, it just makes the Bible seem completely unbelievable. There were other prophets who were very angry about trees dying, but didn’t care if God wiped out all the people and cities, just so long as the blasting heat and pestilence didn’t wipe out the trees. The climate changed while Jonah was hoping to see God rain down fire on Nineveh. Jonah represents all of these “angry prophets”. Oh yeah, even the cows repented, what was that all about? Apparently the cows were farting and that was what was changing the climate and making the plants die. Laugh if you want, I’m just telling you what the story said.
  2. ZNP
    God spoke to the leaders of the Black Lives Matter movement to go tell the evil king of the United States (Donald Trump) to repent or else they will be judged. These guys knew that God would forgive them and that was the last thing they wanted, so they ran the other way. Meanwhile this great storm has arisen, we have a pandemic raging throughout the entire world, we have climate change causing “biblical fires” in the arctic, in Siberia, in California and in Australia. It is also causing record breaking hurricanes, drought and floods. In the midst of this the cops go down into the ship, find these prophets of BLM, and wake them up. These prophets tell them that the “chickens have come home to roost” for all their sins. They want to know what they need to do? These prophets want the police to throw them into the sea, get the whole thing on video, and post a video that will go viral for all to see. They know they can’t fake it like Jussie Smollett, no, the cops need to do it. So they do that, but they beg God not to hold this sin to their account. And they worship God by sacrificing everyone who says or does anything that could be construed as an insult to God and to Black Lives Matter. Meanwhile the BLM prophets tell us how horrible slavery was. They were “deep in the realm of the dead”, God “hurled them into the depths, into the very heart of the sea”, “I said I have been banished”, “seaweed wrapped around my head, to the roots of the mountain I sank down”, “But you, Lord my God, brought my life up from the pit”, “What I have vowed I will make good. I will say, ‘salvation comes from the Lord’”. So they go to the great cities in the US and their message is “No justice, no peace”. But they repent! According to the Bible it will take Jonah four days to walk through the city (similar to the protests by the BLM), but they repent after 1 day! They even write “Black Lives Matter” in big giant letters in front of the Whitehouse where the Evil king Trump lives...
  3. ZNP
    So look, I get it, people back then don’t make any sense at all. So instead let’s consider the Black Lives Movement and say that their leaders are prophets of God, like Jonah. The “great city Nineveh” that Jonah hates so much will be the United States, a country of people who “don’t know their right from their left” according to God. The sailors that threw these protestors into the ocean to die will be the cops. The fish that brought them across the ocean to Nineveh and vomited them onto the land, that will be the slave trade.