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It's just the way I feel TODAY

  1. Things can happen in life that kick you around. Have you ever noticed that? I'm sure you have, we all have. This has been a weekend where I'm feeling pretty kicked around and wounded. Writing is therapy for me...here, where no one knows me and I can just get it out of my heart, and hopefully out of my mind.

    When a family member hurts you, there's not a lot of people you can talk to about it. You don't want to make other family members mad at your loved one, so you remain silent. Or, at least I do. I'm not even talking to my mom about it right now because she is older and ill, and I believe while Mom wouldn't be mad (for long) at her for hurting me, I believe it would upset her. My sisters (I have two) would be mad at her, and I don't want that. When it all blows over, which I'm sure it will, I don't want them to remember the things she did that hurt me so bad.

    Who is she? Well, she's my daughter.

    I have often, in the past, blamed myself for her issues. Surely it was the way I raised her, right? Maybe I should have not worked two jobs (one from home, one full-time day job) and gotten government assistance instead. I did yell too much. Really. I know that. I have apologized a few times for that. I can't help but wonder, looking back over the last 15 years, if I hadn't said, "I'm sorry I was such a bad mother." she wouldn't blame me so much for her problems? I don't know. Perhaps I gave her a way out instead of taking responsibility for her own actions, and now it's to easy to use me as a punching bag when things are bad in her life. (Verbally, not physically.)

    And things are bad for her right now. And she has once again torn into me like I was the bad guy, the one who hurt her. At the time, I was going out of my way to help her...because I wanted to, not because she asked me to, but I knew she needed the help. But maybe I should have left her to her own devices. I offered to help in several different ways, and she was non-committal about everything I said, so I probably should have stepped away...but hind-sight, and all that. I learned my lesson. Won't happen again.

    Before this particular time, when she raged at me, I told myself that was the last time. I would walk away or hang up the phone, but this time, we were in my car, in the middle of nowhere, an hour or so away from her home, with her children in the back seat, and I could not toss her out on her ear. Could I? No, no, I couldn't.

    Not sure that I would have even if we'd been in a town where it would have been excusable for me to do it. In her state, though, I'm not certain letting her out alone in a strange place would have been the answer, either.

    So I kept driving. I started praying for her, out loud, which made her madder. Thing is, I never saw it coming...this rage. It was just suddenly there before I could bring up the wits to do something to quell it before it escalated.

    Of course I'm leaving out details. For me to type everything would be a 4 part posting. But suffice it to say, I realized at that moment that my previous thoughts of "counseling might do her some good" was incorrect. So, the next morning (yesterday) I sent her a message (she had apologized the night before) and told her that it was imperative that she get help, if not for her sake, but for the sake of the children. Our brief phone conversation yesterday was uncomfortable, forced, and awkward...she called me, and when I hung up the phone, I so wished I had not answered, because my feelings were hurt all over again by her attitude, and yes, her words. It was almost like I was on punishment, like I had yelled at her, or started a fight. But I never opened my mouth during her rant, I did not even defend myself!

    Now, I have turned off my phone and left the house. (Daughter and I do not live together.) Hubby didn't seem interested in doing anything, so I have come out to the public library to lick my wounds and toss my problems into the great abyss that is the internet. (Who knew the library would be crowded on a Sunday afternoon? Not me, that's for sure.)

    My wounds are pretty deep today. After being...well, verbally abused...it just leaves me sad. Depressed. Feeling useless, worthless, unable to meet the most basic functions as a mother. I have always had issues with low self esteem, but over the years, I have been able to recognize it for what it is, and can usually overcome the feelings and function normally as a sane adult. But when my child...my only child...well, it just really makes me hurt. I'm heartbroken. And I can't let her know how I feel about the rages for fear that it will either make her feel guilty, which will not help anything, or make her mad, which will only end up backfiring on me.

    I took her to a counselor when she was a teenager...sent her to a Christian school, talked her into going to see a counselor years ago, but she only went one time...and she was never really open to help. Maybe I should have tried harder. I really didn't know what to. A good mother would have.

    If you are still reading, thank you. At some point, I am sure I will delete this entry, but if you stuck with me to read these many words, I appreciate it.
    hengesthorsa likes this.


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