I do. I was thinking about this on the way home from work today. I was trying to decide what to write in my blog post, and I decided to write about this.
When I was a younger, up through my pre-teen years, my dad always said he never had to worry about whether I was getting into trouble, because I would always tell on myself. And it was true. I told on myself to him, to my mom, my teachers, whatever. If I forgot to do my homework I just admitted it. Didn't clean my room? Yep, that was me. Sorry, I will try to do better. Spent all my allowance in one day? Yep. STILL me! That hasn't changed even as an adult!
But as I got older, into my high school years, I stopped being so upfront about telling on myself to my dad. As an adult, I hardly ever did unless I was forced to. But everyone else...still ratting myself out. To my mom, my professors, my brother, my friends...whatever. I had no shame. I would often genuinely be remorseful for whatever I had done, but I cheerfully told on myself....every....single.....time.
Except I no longer did that with my dad. With my dad I hid things from him.
My dad passed away six years ago, and ever since then I have never had a problem ratting myself out and confessing to wrongdoing. Until now.
This last...Saturday I think? I think Saturday night. I did something wrong. Something I KNEW at the time was wrong. No excuse. I did it knowing I shouldn't.
And ever since then....no praying. No reading the bible. Just...slinking around hoping God doesn't notice. Avoiding him so we didn't have to talk about it. Just like Adam and Even in the garden after they had sinned. I thought about it on the way home tonight, and realized to my horror that I wasn't ratting myself out to God. I was trying to hide my sin.
I hadn't dealt with doing this since my dad passed away, and tonight I realized WHY things are different with my Dad and God than things are with everyone else in this regard.
It's cause I care. I cared what my dad thought about me. I wanted him to think I was a good person, that I had my stuff together, that everything was going well for me. That I was making good choices, that I was a good person. Everyone else....well to be honest I really didn't care all that much. If they couldn't handle it...see you. No skin off my back, I am what I am.
But now, with regards to God, I care again. I don't want to seem like a crappy person who can't control themselves. I want God to think well of me.
Problem? I could hide things from my Dad. Not so much God.
When I was a younger, up through my pre-teen years, my dad always said he never had to worry about whether I was getting into trouble, because I would always tell on myself. And it was true. I told on myself to him, to my mom, my teachers, whatever. If I forgot to do my homework I just admitted it. Didn't clean my room? Yep, that was me. Sorry, I will try to do better. Spent all my allowance in one day? Yep. STILL me! That hasn't changed even as an adult!
But as I got older, into my high school years, I stopped being so upfront about telling on myself to my dad. As an adult, I hardly ever did unless I was forced to. But everyone else...still ratting myself out. To my mom, my professors, my brother, my friends...whatever. I had no shame. I would often genuinely be remorseful for whatever I had done, but I cheerfully told on myself....every....single.....time.
Except I no longer did that with my dad. With my dad I hid things from him.
My dad passed away six years ago, and ever since then I have never had a problem ratting myself out and confessing to wrongdoing. Until now.
This last...Saturday I think? I think Saturday night. I did something wrong. Something I KNEW at the time was wrong. No excuse. I did it knowing I shouldn't.
And ever since then....no praying. No reading the bible. Just...slinking around hoping God doesn't notice. Avoiding him so we didn't have to talk about it. Just like Adam and Even in the garden after they had sinned. I thought about it on the way home tonight, and realized to my horror that I wasn't ratting myself out to God. I was trying to hide my sin.
I hadn't dealt with doing this since my dad passed away, and tonight I realized WHY things are different with my Dad and God than things are with everyone else in this regard.
It's cause I care. I cared what my dad thought about me. I wanted him to think I was a good person, that I had my stuff together, that everything was going well for me. That I was making good choices, that I was a good person. Everyone else....well to be honest I really didn't care all that much. If they couldn't handle it...see you. No skin off my back, I am what I am.
But now, with regards to God, I care again. I don't want to seem like a crappy person who can't control themselves. I want God to think well of me.
Problem? I could hide things from my Dad. Not so much God.
