I'm a non-Christian, and this is a struggle.... So yeah. Why do I hate myself? Well for one, I mucked up my own life. Though I blame the bad influences, horrible upbringing, indoctrination and stupid life decisions, I am nonetheless the one who took the actions (or failed to take actions) that lead to the life I live now.
I know I can't blame anyone for my past or my future. I realize that I alone am responsible for what my life will become. I have a solid plan to bring about that life and I work everyday towards implementing that plan. But sometimes my past comes back to haunt me and it causes me to hate myself more than anything.
This is a weakness, I know, and I am usually pretty content. I don't struggle with mental issues. At least not of a psychotic nature. But the fact is, my life is hard. Very hard. And I deal with it. It's just that sometimes, when I've dealt with it for too long, the buildup is released in the form of anger and hatred... and it is towards myself.
I used to have a very bad outlook on life. I was extremely negative. I blamed everyone for everything. I thought the whole world owed me something. I thought God owed me something. Back then, when that anger surged, I would take it out on the world. I thought they deserved it. I was a mess. Then my life turned around as I began to awaken and realize just how wrong I was.
I now have a healthy thought process and a decent world view. But years of mental torture left scars too deep to ever be fully healed. I'm sure some of you might say that God can heal them. But he hasn't. The scars remain and I'm the one who suffers everytime they are felt.
I've had COUNTLESS people tell me that I'm not the only one. That some people have it worse. That life isn't fair. That life isn't easy. Man up. Deal with it. All that [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. (<--- Bull droppings. In case the word gets "blessed") None of that helps me one bit. Those are coward's responses due to lack of anything better to say. And I wasn't asking for advice when I got told those replies.
The point is, I can't stop hating myself. I mucked my life up and I blame myself a lot. Maybe one day I will look back and remember the days when I felt this way. Maybe one day things will be better. One thing is for sure though. I'm not just sitting back and waiting for that day to come. I'm actively working towards it. There is no in-between, which is where I'm at now. And that's why it doesn't feel so good. Because we aren't meant to live this way. But as I always say, either I'm going to have the life I want, or I'm going to die trying.
It's hard hating myself. But at least I don't hate the world anymore. And with enough effort towards self improvement, I'll one day love my self as much as I love the world.
Maybe I should put this in a blog. (I originally intended to post in the forum "non-Christian struggles")
I know I can't blame anyone for my past or my future. I realize that I alone am responsible for what my life will become. I have a solid plan to bring about that life and I work everyday towards implementing that plan. But sometimes my past comes back to haunt me and it causes me to hate myself more than anything.
This is a weakness, I know, and I am usually pretty content. I don't struggle with mental issues. At least not of a psychotic nature. But the fact is, my life is hard. Very hard. And I deal with it. It's just that sometimes, when I've dealt with it for too long, the buildup is released in the form of anger and hatred... and it is towards myself.
I used to have a very bad outlook on life. I was extremely negative. I blamed everyone for everything. I thought the whole world owed me something. I thought God owed me something. Back then, when that anger surged, I would take it out on the world. I thought they deserved it. I was a mess. Then my life turned around as I began to awaken and realize just how wrong I was.
I now have a healthy thought process and a decent world view. But years of mental torture left scars too deep to ever be fully healed. I'm sure some of you might say that God can heal them. But he hasn't. The scars remain and I'm the one who suffers everytime they are felt.
I've had COUNTLESS people tell me that I'm not the only one. That some people have it worse. That life isn't fair. That life isn't easy. Man up. Deal with it. All that [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. (<--- Bull droppings. In case the word gets "blessed") None of that helps me one bit. Those are coward's responses due to lack of anything better to say. And I wasn't asking for advice when I got told those replies.
The point is, I can't stop hating myself. I mucked my life up and I blame myself a lot. Maybe one day I will look back and remember the days when I felt this way. Maybe one day things will be better. One thing is for sure though. I'm not just sitting back and waiting for that day to come. I'm actively working towards it. There is no in-between, which is where I'm at now. And that's why it doesn't feel so good. Because we aren't meant to live this way. But as I always say, either I'm going to have the life I want, or I'm going to die trying.
It's hard hating myself. But at least I don't hate the world anymore. And with enough effort towards self improvement, I'll one day love my self as much as I love the world.
Maybe I should put this in a blog. (I originally intended to post in the forum "non-Christian struggles")
