I can be very cranky
“Advance, advance… Let nothing hinder your trustful steps forward;
Trustful---of course---since I am there”.
(He and I Pauline Press)
I find that my responses towards events in my life can be very cranky. When things slip out of my control, and I am already in a ‘mood’, then my lack of trust in others as well as with God is very apparent. I want to grasp ‘reality’ and make it do what I want. No wonder I get ornery at times. Reactions are spontaneous, out of one's control. It is how we deal with these situations that are important. When I am tired or being pulled in too many directions, my childish nature will arise and cause some turmoil. It does not have to be a big thing; in fact, it is often little things that can set me off because the big things I have to deal with in a manner that will not make things worse. In small events, I may not do so well.
This morning I was in one of my cranky-sulking-looking for a fight mood. As we were doing the first nocturne I wondered if I would be able to even begin to settle down in order to meditate. We have a 30-minute meditation session during vigils, between the first and second half. So I was going to go to my room and read in order to get this monkey off my back. Then I thought, no, I will do what I have learned over the years. To pray with my emotions, no matter what they are. So I sat and allowed my ‘spoiled-child-things are not going my way-inner tantrum’ to become the energy to propel me into meditation and prayer. Once I stop fighting this kind of moodiness and focus it towards prayer, things settle down.
Sometimes I think of the ‘Gordian-Knot’ the one that Alexander the Great cut in two with a sword. In dealing with this kind of knot in ones inner world, needs another approach. A weapon would only make things worse. I have found that whatever causes my moods, and I have decided that I will never really understand them fully, that just sitting and allowing the angry-frustrated energy to express itself but in a guided way, allows the knot to loosen, but does not unravel; which is enough for me. True it is not easy, focus can take time, but it is well worth the effort.
To accept ones ‘powerlessness’, is not the same as being ‘helpless’; one leads to inner freedom the other to despair. I am powerless to control other drivers on the highway; however, I am not helpless in how I react. To constantly be angry when driving is an indication of some deeper issue….control most likely one of them. The paradox, power is given over to those who are in other cars, giving them a power that they really don’t have or don’t want.
Pope Frances has a devotion to ‘Our Lady of the Knots’, so I think of Mary and ask her to help me disentangle in the right way. Sometimes the disentanglement comes from insight, at other times it is pure grace, a deep healing. It is when I think I have to control everything that I can cause myself some deep inner conflict which is not worth it….yet the only way is to consciously let go and move on. –Br.MD
