I have allowed sin to control my life. For years, I've allowed very dark and ugly sins to hide behind a curtain of shame, guilt, and fear. But only when brought into the light can these sins be torn up from the root. So I am now going to wholly and completely confess to the things that I've done. Because I refuse to believe the lie that I am held captive by them any longer.
My name is Megan. I'm 20 years old, and I've known God all my life. Only in the last year or so can I truly say that I've become a Christian. And in the last almost seven years, I have been battling sexual immorality.
I first saw porn on accident while googling something entirely unrelated. I clicked a link, unsure of what it was, and was faced with my very first porn website. It was startling, as I was a child who had been raised in a Christian household. I quickly closed out but the name of the website, I still remembered. And a year later, I intentionally went to that website for the first time. I have not been able to fully stop since then.
My mother, who doesn't know of my struggle, has since discussed very briefly with me her struggles as a child with sexual sin. I don't know a lot about it but she has said often how sexual sins are a vice like none other. Those images, they lodge themselves in your mind forever and you cannot get them out. And she's right, I can still remember images that I saw from seven years ago, clear as day.
I've admitted to the porn before. I have not admitted to the masturbation. It has always felt too ugly, too disgusting and shameful to say. But Satan won't hold that over me anymore, either. I am a masturbator. I won't say that I'm addicted to it, because I'm not. I'm just addicted to the feeling that it gives me. When I first started, it was a perfect cure for stress, emotional distress, pain, anything. It was like the drug I'd been searching for as a lonely, sad teenager. And to this day, that is one of the main reasons why I have continued to be trapped by this. It has become a conditioned response for me.
Since I started, I haven't been able to make it past three days without a relapse. Once I made it a month but that was a rare situation when I was grounded and didn't have my electronics. Three days. That is how weak I am.
it got worse when I started dating my first boyfriend. We never had sex but being with a non-Christian certainly fueled my sexual sins. I sent him nudes, I received nudes from him, and we frequently would sext each other. I felt sick about it at the time. I told God "I don't know why I'm doing this". God didn't say anything. (Which I'm sure was due do my blatant disobedience, seeing as I was secretly dating a boy that my parents warned me not to and I was lying to their faces).
Since breaking up with that ex, I've just gone back to the regular struggle of porn and masturbation. I have begged God to make me stop, I have pleaded with him. And yet I just kept doing it.
Tonight I read an article called Has My Sexual Sin Made Me Unsaveable? And it broke my heart. Finally my eyes have been opened to the gravity of what I have done and what I continue to do. Oh, the grace of God is so great for him to continue to return and forgive me after so so so many failures, after so many times of refusing him for just a tiny taste of worldly pleasure. Oh how deep is his love that he should find it in him to keep welcoming me home after each blatant rejection.
God have mercy on me. I do not deserve your forgiveness.
That is my confession and I am no longer believing the lie that I am helpless to my sin. God did not create me to be helpless. Christ did not die for me to be a spineless jellyfish, pulled along the currents of lust and desire with no hope of resisting. I am not helpless. I have Jesus Christ!
Oh victory in Jesus.
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I Am Not Helpless
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