Right so, there's no point beating myself up over my transgression. What's done is done. i felt very strongly at the time that it was not what I wanted to do, and that I shouldn't, and afterwards it has been abundantly clear that those strong feelings of 'don't do this' were there for good reason, which I already knew of course. But mistakes are valuable learning experiences. Partly I wanted to see if it would wash all this away, if it would put me firmly back in to a life I recognise and am comfortable with, if all this God stuff was madness and that was actual reality and it would wake me up. I'm glad it hasn't. I'm glad to have confirmation that I really do want to do things a different way now. Doing the wrong thing, wrong for me, doesn't make me bad, it makes me human. My head had been full of unhealthy thoughts, but since I prayed in earnest and in faith to be freed from them and to be allowed to rest I have slept like a baby. Slowly but surely He is cleaning me up, I think. And I surely don't deserve His help after I went back on my word, but how kind to help me now. He seems not to punish at all, I punish myself and He lets me know I can stop doing that. I think I'm getting over thoughts, incidents, set backs, much quicker and in a more real, more substantial way than before. And I feel bad for having let Him down, because I don't want to make Him sad, because He just seems to be really kind and good. 
