posted this in a thread. I'm really feeling lost...
I am SO confused! (This could be long...)
Some of you will know that I work in partyplan as a unit leader.
My strengths are:
Outgoing personality
Good saleswoman
Enthusiatic
Good presentation skills
Imagination
HUGE fan of the products
Quirky & original
Highly motivated by recognition
My weaknesses are:
Lack of organisation
Easily stressed
Scatty & forgetful
Procrastinator
Depression (current bout for coming up 11 months )
Now for some background (sorry if this is all over the place - it's hard to get my thoughts down logically)
We have had a very stressful year - my health, finances (paying two mortgages), homeschooling etc. I have been very much looking forward to selling our rental property (should complete next week ), and getting our finances straight, and not needing to work. I have a very strong desire to stay home, support my husband (I so desperately long for him to be fulfilled in his work ) & look after my daughter; be involved in my church & youth work. That's a lot to keep a person busy, don't you think?
Here's the dilemma...I'm very highly regarded by my company. My up-line Leader has been working very hard to build her business, and has just achieved promotion to the highest level (what is known as "RVP"). It's a very big deal, and I'm immensely proud of her. But now it seems all eyes are on me to do the same. Everyone ( by everyone, I mean the company Directors, and everyone in my upline) seems to believe I can do it, and part of me thinks I could as well - but not with depression, and not with my atrocious organisational skills - and do I even want it? We had a big national meeting on Thursday, where my Leader received recognition for her achievements, and 4 or 5 times our Sales & Marketing Director (head honcho), made very pointed comments, from the stage, in front of the whole room, about me being next. It's not the first time.
So this morning, the post arrived, and I have a letter from the Sales Director, asking me to attend a two day conference in January, staying in a luxury boutique hotel, paid for by the company, to build my business.
And I'm in turmoil.
All I want to do is God's will. Only He truly knows me. I'm absolutely desperate to be walking in His purposes. I'm actually crying over it. But where am I meant to be? How do I serve Him? It's an ongoing battle. I always seem to pre-empt Him, and do what I think He wants me to do. I'm too much of a thinker, and I always try to work out His will for my life in my own strength (I'm not called Sarah for nothing!). I'm certain this is why I've had this bout of depression for so long - He's keeping me low so I can't rush off in my own strength. I have to learn.
I know God will equip me for whatever He calls me to, but there's a voice in my head that tells me that no-one really knows me, and that they only think I can do what they want me to - if they knew how disorganised I am...I'm a fake.
My heart's desire is to serve my husband & daughter, be at home with them; but if I had a business at that level, it would enable hubby to leave work & pursue his drumming - the money is exceptional - I could reasonably earn the equivilant of $100K+ a year - but I couldn't cope with the stress of maintaining that (not in my own strength, anyway...)
I don't even know where to start - I'm SO confused. I'm sorry for all this rambling - I've only expressed a fraction of what's going on inside.
If you can make any sense of my chatic thoughts, I would appreciate your insights. Even if you can't (and I wouldn't blame you!), any prayers would be appreciated.
Some of you will know that I work in partyplan as a unit leader.
My strengths are:
Outgoing personality
Good saleswoman
Enthusiatic
Good presentation skills
Imagination
HUGE fan of the products
Quirky & original
Highly motivated by recognition
My weaknesses are:
Lack of organisation
Easily stressed
Scatty & forgetful
Procrastinator
Depression (current bout for coming up 11 months )
Now for some background (sorry if this is all over the place - it's hard to get my thoughts down logically)
We have had a very stressful year - my health, finances (paying two mortgages), homeschooling etc. I have been very much looking forward to selling our rental property (should complete next week ), and getting our finances straight, and not needing to work. I have a very strong desire to stay home, support my husband (I so desperately long for him to be fulfilled in his work ) & look after my daughter; be involved in my church & youth work. That's a lot to keep a person busy, don't you think?
Here's the dilemma...I'm very highly regarded by my company. My up-line Leader has been working very hard to build her business, and has just achieved promotion to the highest level (what is known as "RVP"). It's a very big deal, and I'm immensely proud of her. But now it seems all eyes are on me to do the same. Everyone ( by everyone, I mean the company Directors, and everyone in my upline) seems to believe I can do it, and part of me thinks I could as well - but not with depression, and not with my atrocious organisational skills - and do I even want it? We had a big national meeting on Thursday, where my Leader received recognition for her achievements, and 4 or 5 times our Sales & Marketing Director (head honcho), made very pointed comments, from the stage, in front of the whole room, about me being next. It's not the first time.
So this morning, the post arrived, and I have a letter from the Sales Director, asking me to attend a two day conference in January, staying in a luxury boutique hotel, paid for by the company, to build my business.
And I'm in turmoil.
All I want to do is God's will. Only He truly knows me. I'm absolutely desperate to be walking in His purposes. I'm actually crying over it. But where am I meant to be? How do I serve Him? It's an ongoing battle. I always seem to pre-empt Him, and do what I think He wants me to do. I'm too much of a thinker, and I always try to work out His will for my life in my own strength (I'm not called Sarah for nothing!). I'm certain this is why I've had this bout of depression for so long - He's keeping me low so I can't rush off in my own strength. I have to learn.
I know God will equip me for whatever He calls me to, but there's a voice in my head that tells me that no-one really knows me, and that they only think I can do what they want me to - if they knew how disorganised I am...I'm a fake.
My heart's desire is to serve my husband & daughter, be at home with them; but if I had a business at that level, it would enable hubby to leave work & pursue his drumming - the money is exceptional - I could reasonably earn the equivilant of $100K+ a year - but I couldn't cope with the stress of maintaining that (not in my own strength, anyway...)
I don't even know where to start - I'm SO confused. I'm sorry for all this rambling - I've only expressed a fraction of what's going on inside.
If you can make any sense of my chatic thoughts, I would appreciate your insights. Even if you can't (and I wouldn't blame you!), any prayers would be appreciated.