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Coming Back Home

  1. I wrote in my last blog entry how I had a vision of myself dying in the desert. Yesterday I had another vision of the desert, then a camel appeared, and my half dead body was on it's back, then I saw Jesus leading it away from the desert. It was beautiful. I felt myself starting to relax for the first time in a long time, knowing that the Lord is carrying me home. I don't have to walk when I'm too tired.

    He is calling me constantly: "Come home!" and I'm trying my hardest. I'm so tired though, and there are so many questions right now. And there are so much doubt and condemnation that Jesus and I have to work through together (He made me change that from "that I have to deal with", because I'm not alone) that other people have drilled deep into my mind. But it will be okay, because God is carrying me.

    Jesus has been healing me for days now. Deep wounds and confusion mostly. Pockets of trauma and fear in my soul. Lies I've been told. They are all being cleansed and healed. I'm feeling like I'm truly starting to become myself again, who I am in Christ. Free.

    My biggest struggle right now though, is I'm having trouble understanding what it means to be chosen. On a shallow or intellectual level, it makes sense, and even on a spiritual level, but looking at my life, and on my past, it's difficult to see how I could possibly have been chosen from the foundation of the world. It's so hard for me to feel loved sometimes. I'm still such a broken mess inside. It doesn't matter if I look at myself or at God, it doesn't make any sense at all... It's like my heart refuses to accept it. I think my heart wants me to be a homeless wanderer not belonging anywhere, because it's much more comfortable than having to face my issues.

    I'm still a mess.
    But the image of resting on the back of a camel, just resting until I'm out of the wilderness, makes me feel oddly comforted. :) I love Jesus, and He will get me to where I'm supposed to be. In His Kingdom! He will take care of everything, and I will try my hardest to not flee again. :) It's a good thing I'm too exhausted to walk.

    About Author

    Emli
    I'm Em, I live in Sweden. I've been saved since March 2015, and my life has been quite an adventure since then. Jesus Christ is everything to me. He brought me out of a deep darkness, and He has healed me from so much trauma, pain, madness, and all kinds of evil. Therefore I devote my life to Him, every day, no matter what that will look like. I'm a walking disaster most days, but I have seen Him bring forth some fruit, and I hope that will increase as I keep walking with Him. Godbless!
    Shoetoyou likes this.

Comments

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  1. joshua 1 9
    Many are called but few are chosen. We need to be washed and cleansed in the blood so we can live Holy Sanctified lives before God. When Jesus comes for the Bride she will be without spot, blemish or wrinkle. This is a reference to her garment or the flesh.
      Emli likes this.
    1. Emli
  2. Monna
    "looking at my life, and on my past, it's difficult to see how I could possibly have been chosen from the foundation of the world. It's so hard for me to feel loved sometimes. I'm still such a broken mess inside."

    My family gets really mad at me because I love to find (or keep) broken things and try to fix them. It's almost a passion of mine. Maybe your heavenly Father has a particular passion for messed up, broken people. I get that feeling from Jesus who he came "to proclaim good news to the poor, freedom to the prisoners, recovery of sight to the blind, to see the oppressed free, to proclaim the year of the Lord" (Luke 4:18-19). He certainly had an affinity for society's outcasts, disadvantaged, despised. I think he loves to restore self-respect to previously abused people, to show them honour, to lift them up, to give them important roles helping others who have been in similar situations. He can take all the horrible things you have lived through, and partner with you to take those experiences and mould in you special gifts for identifying and supporting others through emotional, physical, psyckological and spiritual healing. Emli, know that he loves you with an everlasting love!
      Mollie1 and Emli like this.
    1. Emli
      Thank you. :)
  3. Mollie1
      Emli likes this.
    1. Emli
      Those are very fitting verses! :) God bless you too!
      Mollie1 likes this.
  4. mukk_in
    Keep at it lil Emli and keep looking up. God bless :).
      Emli likes this.
    1. Emli
      :)
      mukk_in likes this.