I wrote in my last blog entry how I had a vision of myself dying in the desert. Yesterday I had another vision of the desert, then a camel appeared, and my half dead body was on it's back, then I saw Jesus leading it away from the desert. It was beautiful. I felt myself starting to relax for the first time in a long time, knowing that the Lord is carrying me home. I don't have to walk when I'm too tired.
He is calling me constantly: "Come home!" and I'm trying my hardest. I'm so tired though, and there are so many questions right now. And there are so much doubt and condemnation that Jesus and I have to work through together (He made me change that from "that I have to deal with", because I'm not alone) that other people have drilled deep into my mind. But it will be okay, because God is carrying me.
Jesus has been healing me for days now. Deep wounds and confusion mostly. Pockets of trauma and fear in my soul. Lies I've been told. They are all being cleansed and healed. I'm feeling like I'm truly starting to become myself again, who I am in Christ. Free.
My biggest struggle right now though, is I'm having trouble understanding what it means to be chosen. On a shallow or intellectual level, it makes sense, and even on a spiritual level, but looking at my life, and on my past, it's difficult to see how I could possibly have been chosen from the foundation of the world. It's so hard for me to feel loved sometimes. I'm still such a broken mess inside. It doesn't matter if I look at myself or at God, it doesn't make any sense at all... It's like my heart refuses to accept it. I think my heart wants me to be a homeless wanderer not belonging anywhere, because it's much more comfortable than having to face my issues.
I'm still a mess.
But the image of resting on the back of a camel, just resting until I'm out of the wilderness, makes me feel oddly comforted. I love Jesus, and He will get me to where I'm supposed to be. In His Kingdom! He will take care of everything, and I will try my hardest to not flee again. It's a good thing I'm too exhausted to walk.
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