I can't get it out of my head this week that it will be 3 years in december.
People around me don't know about how I feel. I wouldn't want to talk to anyone I know about it. I couldn't control the cancer, but I can control the grief. Meaning, I can choose to deal with it, or not, as much or as little as I need, when and where I want surely? Does it matter if I choose to ignore the finality of it until I am ready to?
Everyone is different. Every relationship is different. I know my brother isn't coming back. I know he is praising the Lord in heaven. That's a brother. Only lost him last year and it is so different. That hurts too but it is just different. How can one easily understand that losing their partner is forever? I don't want to believe it. I would rather just carry on living not thinking of it and expecting to see him in a few years. (Ok I know the truth but I'm on about a subconcious pretence. Not so much as a factual denial but like an ostrich.) Surely I can deal with this when it is easier, if it ever would be.
I don't have the luxury of falling apart. Have kids to look after. I have decided against counselling because I can't be thinking about it at that level for a number of weeks in a row. I'm better just thinking about it when it crops up. Surely?
I guess it is the Lord's wisdom I need. But what I do know is that He looks after me and cares for me. He gives me a disposition to still be happy even when sad, or able to compartmentalise the way I do. I thank Him that He is my Refuge, Shelter, High tower and Strength.
People around me don't know about how I feel. I wouldn't want to talk to anyone I know about it. I couldn't control the cancer, but I can control the grief. Meaning, I can choose to deal with it, or not, as much or as little as I need, when and where I want surely? Does it matter if I choose to ignore the finality of it until I am ready to?
Everyone is different. Every relationship is different. I know my brother isn't coming back. I know he is praising the Lord in heaven. That's a brother. Only lost him last year and it is so different. That hurts too but it is just different. How can one easily understand that losing their partner is forever? I don't want to believe it. I would rather just carry on living not thinking of it and expecting to see him in a few years. (Ok I know the truth but I'm on about a subconcious pretence. Not so much as a factual denial but like an ostrich.) Surely I can deal with this when it is easier, if it ever would be.
I don't have the luxury of falling apart. Have kids to look after. I have decided against counselling because I can't be thinking about it at that level for a number of weeks in a row. I'm better just thinking about it when it crops up. Surely?
I guess it is the Lord's wisdom I need. But what I do know is that He looks after me and cares for me. He gives me a disposition to still be happy even when sad, or able to compartmentalise the way I do. I thank Him that He is my Refuge, Shelter, High tower and Strength.
