I am broken.
That's just one label on a list of labels. But now that I am well and truly broken I can see all that was wrong with me up until this point.
I have been ignoring God despite the repeated times He has allowed calamity to happen to me in an attempt to get my attention. And then when I gave him my attention, I was quick to go back to my ways and ignore Him again to immerse myself in the things of this world. I gave into my worldly desires and sins and looking back on it now... they were terrible.
I have been disrespectful to my mother who, while she has her faults, loves me more than most people love their children. I sinned sexually with myself multiple times knowing that it was wrong and doing it anyway trying to convince myself that it was fine. I joined communities that promoted homosexuality and being transgender and even proclaimed myself bisexual. I spent so much time focusing on me and not others. I have been lazy, selfish, prideful, resentful, and pleasure-seeking.
Most people would look at me and say, "You're not a bad person at all! You're always making people smile and doing things to help others and you're really generous and loving!"
But was I? Was I really? Was I doing those things because I thought they made me a better person or was I doing them because it is right? Perhaps both which is still bad.
God gave me the wonderful gift of music and I didn't use it for Him. I used it for my own happiness. I used it to make myself feel good. So God decided to take it away by letting my body malfunction as a result of the curse of sin. He allowed me to lose more and more and more hearing and get more and more and more tinnitus. Now I cannot do anything with music, not even listen to it because sound causes me pain.
I am broken and in so much emotional pain and it's not God's fault. It's my own fault. And it hurts me so badly and likely will for a very long time! I cannot describe to you enough how much it hurts/ how painful it is. There are no human words on this earth to describe the amount of pain I am in. My tears will never run dry. I will cry every day for the rest of my life for what I have lost and how much I know it is my own fault.
And I know I can and will lose more. The knowledge of that pain makes it hard to want to continue on. I would continue to pray for death but I know that God won't let me leave this earth until He wants me to.
I'm waiting for Him to bring some kind of mercy my way. I don't deserve it. I really don't deserve it at all. I don't deserve His love or His kindness but without hope for it I would surely take my own life. I want to trust Him so badly. I want to so very badly because I am so hurt and in pain. I keep waiting and crying and waiting and trying to cope as best I can. I don't know where to go from here. I can't know where to go from here.
God broke me and I really hope he'll pick up the pieces because I can't. I can't do anything anymore.
That's just one label on a list of labels. But now that I am well and truly broken I can see all that was wrong with me up until this point.
I have been ignoring God despite the repeated times He has allowed calamity to happen to me in an attempt to get my attention. And then when I gave him my attention, I was quick to go back to my ways and ignore Him again to immerse myself in the things of this world. I gave into my worldly desires and sins and looking back on it now... they were terrible.
I have been disrespectful to my mother who, while she has her faults, loves me more than most people love their children. I sinned sexually with myself multiple times knowing that it was wrong and doing it anyway trying to convince myself that it was fine. I joined communities that promoted homosexuality and being transgender and even proclaimed myself bisexual. I spent so much time focusing on me and not others. I have been lazy, selfish, prideful, resentful, and pleasure-seeking.
Most people would look at me and say, "You're not a bad person at all! You're always making people smile and doing things to help others and you're really generous and loving!"
But was I? Was I really? Was I doing those things because I thought they made me a better person or was I doing them because it is right? Perhaps both which is still bad.
God gave me the wonderful gift of music and I didn't use it for Him. I used it for my own happiness. I used it to make myself feel good. So God decided to take it away by letting my body malfunction as a result of the curse of sin. He allowed me to lose more and more and more hearing and get more and more and more tinnitus. Now I cannot do anything with music, not even listen to it because sound causes me pain.
I am broken and in so much emotional pain and it's not God's fault. It's my own fault. And it hurts me so badly and likely will for a very long time! I cannot describe to you enough how much it hurts/ how painful it is. There are no human words on this earth to describe the amount of pain I am in. My tears will never run dry. I will cry every day for the rest of my life for what I have lost and how much I know it is my own fault.
And I know I can and will lose more. The knowledge of that pain makes it hard to want to continue on. I would continue to pray for death but I know that God won't let me leave this earth until He wants me to.
I'm waiting for Him to bring some kind of mercy my way. I don't deserve it. I really don't deserve it at all. I don't deserve His love or His kindness but without hope for it I would surely take my own life. I want to trust Him so badly. I want to so very badly because I am so hurt and in pain. I keep waiting and crying and waiting and trying to cope as best I can. I don't know where to go from here. I can't know where to go from here.
God broke me and I really hope he'll pick up the pieces because I can't. I can't do anything anymore.
