Don't know if anyone reads this.. so not sure how personal I can get.. but I just wish things would settle down emotionally.. and I just need to jot it down somewhere..
My ex-husband took the kids for a few hours today.. nice.. but I cannot be around him.. not that I don't want to be.. I am just shocked at myself around him.. I just start flirting.. I seem to not have any self control.. its embarrasing.. we almost went all the way but I got control of myself.. my gosh.. I am divorced now.. I cannot even be friends right now really.. I want all of it dear GOD.. but although I could with him.. its only just an act.. and then I am alone.. I know he will always be there that way.. but THATS not what I want.. I just wish I could say it was over over.. instead of still have feelings.. I wish something good would happen and I did not need to struggle over this relationship anymore.. either he came to GOD and our family got back together.. or whatever.. but something..
I did have a post on here about sex and being separated.. and people are right I should not go that way.. I did and I guess now it says to him.. this door is opened or has been.. I just have to keep being strong.. I know GOD will provide a way out of temptation its just so had when the temptation is there.. you know them so well and are comfortable with them.. sucks.. and especially when you light up like a christmas tree when they are in the room... wether you mean too or not..
I am glad the marriage is over.. because the door is open for GOD to bring a good believing man of GOD into my life and I can look forward not feel stuck.. and I know HE can do that.. but I look at my circumstances.. being hard of hearing.. having kids and also my financial status and think.. HOW... how is GOD going to do that.. and when...
I stopped caring about things.. myself.. the house.. even being the best mother I could be.. sigh.. but people are so very beautiful.. and patient.. and see through me (people sa I am transparent) and are encouraging me..
I am slowly healing.. but not very social.. I locked myself away.. I still do.. but I made myself walk today with my daughter.. it was lovely..
A few very special friends on face book are chatting regularly again.. funny how they are mostly guys.. helping me see that I CAN hold a conversation with a guy.. my ex and I did not talk much which drove me insane really.. not communicating.. was a major marriage killer..
I am still learning to be a better friend..
I am being a bit more active.. doing a ten week course with the local salvos.. the lady prays with me too.. next week we are doing a session on depression.. something I have struggled with..
I just have to be more regular in keeping my house tidy and making more healthy meals for my family..
I posted this scripture yesterday on face book.. I was very honest there about the struggle I have to get off the internet.. face book in general.. but even when I poured out my struggles.. still people were kind and I was so blessed.. I want to be a blessing wherever I go.. I want to be kind.. and caring.. and a good friend.. and I believe good things will happen.. GOD is with me.. and HE keeps loving on me even when I take ages to get where HE has for me to go..
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26
My ex-husband took the kids for a few hours today.. nice.. but I cannot be around him.. not that I don't want to be.. I am just shocked at myself around him.. I just start flirting.. I seem to not have any self control.. its embarrasing.. we almost went all the way but I got control of myself.. my gosh.. I am divorced now.. I cannot even be friends right now really.. I want all of it dear GOD.. but although I could with him.. its only just an act.. and then I am alone.. I know he will always be there that way.. but THATS not what I want.. I just wish I could say it was over over.. instead of still have feelings.. I wish something good would happen and I did not need to struggle over this relationship anymore.. either he came to GOD and our family got back together.. or whatever.. but something..
I did have a post on here about sex and being separated.. and people are right I should not go that way.. I did and I guess now it says to him.. this door is opened or has been.. I just have to keep being strong.. I know GOD will provide a way out of temptation its just so had when the temptation is there.. you know them so well and are comfortable with them.. sucks.. and especially when you light up like a christmas tree when they are in the room... wether you mean too or not..
I am glad the marriage is over.. because the door is open for GOD to bring a good believing man of GOD into my life and I can look forward not feel stuck.. and I know HE can do that.. but I look at my circumstances.. being hard of hearing.. having kids and also my financial status and think.. HOW... how is GOD going to do that.. and when...
I stopped caring about things.. myself.. the house.. even being the best mother I could be.. sigh.. but people are so very beautiful.. and patient.. and see through me (people sa I am transparent) and are encouraging me..
I am slowly healing.. but not very social.. I locked myself away.. I still do.. but I made myself walk today with my daughter.. it was lovely..
A few very special friends on face book are chatting regularly again.. funny how they are mostly guys.. helping me see that I CAN hold a conversation with a guy.. my ex and I did not talk much which drove me insane really.. not communicating.. was a major marriage killer..
I am still learning to be a better friend..
I am being a bit more active.. doing a ten week course with the local salvos.. the lady prays with me too.. next week we are doing a session on depression.. something I have struggled with..
I just have to be more regular in keeping my house tidy and making more healthy meals for my family..
I posted this scripture yesterday on face book.. I was very honest there about the struggle I have to get off the internet.. face book in general.. but even when I poured out my struggles.. still people were kind and I was so blessed.. I want to be a blessing wherever I go.. I want to be kind.. and caring.. and a good friend.. and I believe good things will happen.. GOD is with me.. and HE keeps loving on me even when I take ages to get where HE has for me to go..
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26
