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- Author omnicell
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Lots of PTSD stuff rolling through my head now! Ive been getting stronger, now its all showing up to be processed.
ITs all very hard, and Im not looking forward to these new memories!
My deeper feelings are associated with these memories! this means Im safer in the present! It...
Im in that space of getting better from my disorders!
The symptoms are going down! Im dealing with the past, the losses, and how I was not loved by anyone.. Im seeing and feeling more! its all very confusing and hard.
I see myself with a cozy family system, then Im thrown away as...
I know when Im getting better, when mental illness starts turning into laziness... that is a good sign. It does not mean I do not have the disorder conditions; it means part of it has been broken loose and opened up, and broken into pieces like a rock shattering on the ground!
Im...
As I wake up, More n more its about my mothers rejection at the core!
My mother rejected me more n more after I started to grow out of childhood!
Her rejection was at the core! I was hated at the core of self! I believe this was out of jealously, because I was a decent person. I...
Rude people! Rude Christians.. I suppose its not illegal to be a rude uncaring arrogant Christian!
Ive had more horror and personal murder from middle class Christians then any other Group!
My opinion is; get these people out of the help industries, like counseling and spiritual...
Im glad I have places to blog!
Im in situations with people that want attention; want to be noticed as stars! or celebs! Specifically when its my time to be noticed in a legitimate way! They want to rob me because I am legitimately working hard and they are not!
They are causing...
Im going through really crazy stuff right now!
The past is a bit more open to me; and my feelings! Im letting bits out! not much! it makes me feel vulnerable and crazy and weird and lonely and alone and scared and rejected and not accepted.. I feel hated and thrown away! I feel like no...
Keep the cloths clean, keep the apartment clean, and keep doing the art work!
So, there it is!
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My disorders are alive and well as I wake up, what am I waking up to!, the same thing that I remember as a child before I went into the cloud. I had my childhood...
As I wake up, Im stuck!
Its like being on a diving board I got stuck on 40 years ago!
Philosophy speaking;
My condition is like a boy who was to scared to jump off the diving board, and to scared to turn around and go back down the diving boards latter.
I am that boy! and I...
Im slowly getting better! I don't know what it means... Ive never been this far as an adult. My memories are coming back, I don't get it!
God is with me! Im remembering! I suppose I feel safe because Im getting honest. Because Im getting honest, the inside of me is trusting the...
In God I trust! He but me on this planet for a second time!
Now, I am learning about myself and my handicaps...
I do not love myself, I have deep contempt for myself. It was not always so, it was after the bulling, it was after being thrown away by my parents.
I could not...
I have to step back from my church!
I am hated at this place. Contempt!
I have had massive PTSD long term problems! CPTSD,
I was diagnosed 100% dissociative disorder! I was put on social security! I was 100% disabled.
THe church Im at is calling me a lier, or down...
How do you let others in when you have been damaged. You are so damaged you cannot feel anymore, nor, can you take judgment from others... You are at the end of your rope from judgment!
Here is an example response of non judgment to a question:
" Hi! tell me about the condition...
My father wanted nothing to do with me! Im sorry he didn't! Im not sure what he was thinking.
Im beginning to understand the meetings a bit more! They are unsafe places of un-regulations. One has to learn who to talk to, and speak wisely.
Im attempting to wake up, Im weak in these...
Im healing, and getting tougher..
I was at my church today, I have a key! its a tiny church! I feel very guilty being there because I do not like the minister and his sermons are ineffective, yet, I get to play drums for free! No heat, but a building, and I get to play the piano and...
At some-point I must leave the church Im at. they are getting to arrogant for me! I do not like it anymore, they have no respect for me! they have lost what little respect was left.
Most middle class people and most sociopaths do not like me! Never did! both of these groups tend to...
Its getting hard! I have to trust God! I think I wrote a blog earlier, Im not sure!
I was attacked subtly at a meeting today! Its a from of identity murder. Those around me do not want me to get better! they will not participate in my life, instead in my destruction.
The 12...
They don't like me at chruchie because I don't pay any money and I don't fit in!
I don't kiss A___s to the minister, and could care less... Why should I. I get tired of these idiot narcissist pigs. Im so tired of them. Its ridiculous.
Im on my knees to God all day long, I have...
At the meeting today, I walked away from several goons, thAt was a good thing.
I walked away from the Christian 12 step group, that was good, they are to immature! something horribly wrong at that place! it was bad for my PTSD problems... anyway, I will trust God that he will...