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Blog Entries from Bumble Bee

  1. July 16, 2013

    Ach, it's been a while since I posted. I was at a wedding this weekend, so I didn't have access to my computer. And I'm going to be far more honest in this post than I'm comfortable with, so I will probably slink down and hide after I click the post button. Because I am full of shame. I have been fighting against my sin for a long time now. I always come back to it and then hate myself and then get better and then come back in an endless cycle. It drives me nuts. There are so many...
  2. July 11, 2013

    My reading this morning took me to Matthew 18:19-20. When two or more people gather to pray for God's will, their prayers will be answered. This has so many applications for me right now. I need to pray for my relationship, for my boyfriend to find a job, and for direction on my future. I really need to work on my prayer life. I know how to pray, but I always feel like I'm not praying in a "good enough" manner. I certainly don't pray enough. And I am rather casual about it. I have a...
  3. July 10, 2013

    This morning I read Matthew 16:5-12 and it made me laugh because I am so like the disciples. They forgot to pack food and were panicking about what to eat. Then Jesus said "Beware the leaven of the pharisees." They were so confused, thinking "What are we supposed to eat, then?" Then Jesus reminded them of what He had done in feeding the 5,000 and, later, the 4,000. The disciples heard that and they realized He was talking about false teaching. It made me laugh because they did not trust...
  4. July 9, 2013

    I did not make it to 10 days clean, although it was fully in my power to do so. I gave up trying because I was so hurt yesterday. It's no excuse. I'm just so... weary. I'm ready for life to slow down. I'm ready to not be working 2 jobs. This morning I came across two things in my reading. Matthew 12:36-27 tells us that when we stand before God, we will have to give account for every word we speak. Our words will either condemn us or set us free. That makes me want to be extra sure...
  5. Count Your Blessings

    I woke up this morning in a bad mood. I always wake up in a bad mood, but this morning especially so. I cried through my entire 3 mile walk. Yes, I added an extra mile just for more time to cry. I picked at my boyfriend for a couple hours because I hate it that we are still long distance, and I especially hate it that we have to be long distance for two more years at the very least. It's not his fault. It's no one's fault. That's just how it is. We are where God wants us right now....
  6. July 8, 2013

    This morning I read Matthew 9-11. 10:16 says that Jesus is sending us out into the world. We are to be wise yet innocent. I take this to mean that I need to be wise in my interactions with people (especially at work) and watch what I say, but I also need to stand firm to maintain by innocence. I can be wise in listening to the people around me without compromising my standards. I am 9 days clean today.... officially a record. It seems that with each day my mood gets worse. I'm...
  7. July 7, 2013

    I have been 8 days clean. I wanted to fall yesterday but God gave me the strength to despise my sin and stand firm. I feel God's call on my life to teach others, and it is no longer only a call to teach children. No, I am supposed to teach everyone about Christ and His love. I am so unworthy of such a calling, yet God has raised me up. This morning I read Matthew 6-8. 6:1 stood out to me as a check for my motives in my quest for righteousness. Am I serving God for His glory or my own?...
  8. July 6, 2013

    This morning I received the opportunity to fall back into my sin, but for the first time I was the one to resist. By the grace of God, I was able to resist and I am now seven days clean. This is where I am getting nervous because I have never made it past this point today. Extra prayers sent my way would be appreciated because I know the battle is far from over. This morning I read Matthew 3-5 and noticed that it repeats "the kingdom of heaven is near." That made me think. If the...
  9. July 5, 2013

    I have been rather enjoying my time not teaching Sunday school because it has allowed me to focus on what God is teaching me. I have been able to put time and energy into getting free from my sin and I am 6 days clean today. I love being able to go deeper into God's word and learn from personal devotions because it makes sermons and studies mean so much more. This morning in my reading I came across 2 Timothy 4:2-3. Paul says to always be prepared to teach, both in season and out,...
  10. July 4, 2013

    I am doing things a little differently today in that I am posting to my blog before writing in my journal. There are a lot of thoughts and questions circling in my head and I am still trying to process through them. This morning I read 2 Timothy 1-3. I was searching for the answers to my questions and did not find those answers, but I did find other interesting things. 2 Timothy 2:22-26 hit me in a new way. I have just graduated college and started teaching in a "real" job instead of...
  11. July 3, 2013

    I have now been clean for four days. I wanted to fall this morning but have not done so yet. May God give me the strength to keep resisting. Today I read Galatians 4-6. Verse 5:1 says that Christ has set us free, so we should not let anything make us slaves again. It is so easy to become a slave to sin. I have been a slave for almost 4 years now and it has been a struggle to get free. My record has been 7 days clean. I'm aiming for a lifetime. It will be a long struggle but a worthy...
  12. July 2, 2013

    Today I am three days clean from my sin. I almost fell last night but God gave me the strength to withstand. Today I read Galatians 1-3 and a few things popped out at me. Galatians 1:11 says that God gave Paul the gospel. It didn't come from man. This means that the gospel is the truth, not just a story. Galatians 2:6 says that those who seem important are not so important in the end. God doesn't look at outside appearance. This is especially important to remember when our society is...
  13. For Such a Time as This

    I know I have posted an excessive number of blog entries today, but I keep thinking and I have to get the thoughts out. All over the Bible there are reminders that God has us where He wants us for a purpose. Esther was named queen "for such a time as this" so that she could save her people. Moses was sent into Pharoah's household so that he could save his people. Romans 8:28 says that God works all things for good. And I have seen that in my life this year. In January my student...
  14. What God Has Done For Me, pt. 3

    This one is probably the most emotional one I will write. My whole life, I have been taught without words that I am not worth anything. That I am an object to be used by men. When I was 6, the neighbor's teenage son touched me and made me touch him. When I was 12, a visiting missionary started spending his summers groping me. When I was 16, two of my guy friends did nothing but lie about who they were and what they wanted. When I was 18, my boyfriend used every manipulation he could...
  15. What God Has Done For Me, pt. 2

    So I know the last entry was super long and I'm sorry. I will try to keep this one shorter. My family has never had very much money. Part of that is because my parents had a lot of credit card debt in the beginning, part is that my dad does not have a very high paying job, and part is that my family is full of medical issues. I took over paying most of my expenses when I was a sophomore in college. I have always paid my own phone bill and car insurance, and I have been paying my own...
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