Well, I want to be more optimistic. I keep thinking I'm going to hell though. I keep thinking that if I get a certain grade in school then I will be instantly put into hell. I really like school, but it has become very hard for me to go to school because I have this belief. I didn't used to care so much about my grades, but now it seems to be a matter of life and death.
I want to believe God loves me, but I hear voices in my head all the time that are very distressing. One of the voices I hear laughs at my constantly. He loves it when bad things happen to me. Whenever something bad happens to me, he starts laughing and he will laugh and laugh and laugh.
One of the other voices tells me God loves me. He says that just because I hear voices doesn't mean God hates me. He says I'm not a bad person. He says that I have a choice whether to be bad or good, and the past doesn't really matter. He says that the past is in the past and I can choose whether to be bad or good in the present.
This makes me feel better, but I often argue with the voice, saying that my past is too bad to be forgiven. I cite all the numerous bad things I've done. If I'm ever going to feel better, I'll have to let go of the past. The past weighs heavy on me and I often feel unforgivable.
If you read this, please pray for me. I want things to get better, but I always fear that things will get worse and worse. I'm really afraid of going to hell. The voices in my head make me feel bad all the time.
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