In reading and thinking about some things, one of my favorite topics- abnormal psych, Cluster B disorders, I 've come to a blank wall.
I think I know some things about BPD, can even relate to many of the things that are a part of it- extreme emotions, impusiveness, rage, black or white thinking, abandonment issues, even to some degree the self- harming (although I applied that in more indirect ways such as alcohol abuse, self-neglect, dangerous risk taking)... but I have absolutely no clue about this issue of feeling like you have no core identity.
It's such a blank wall to me, I can't even wrap my mind around the question itself.
As a young child I can remember having a certain type of personality. I thought I had a solid sense of who I was (maybe too much so) structured around my personality, my likes and dislikes, my skills & abilites, my family & friends. Then my life changed at around 9 and I went through what I felt was an "identity crisis". My environment changed: I moved, changed schools, and in the process lost all my friends & previous standing. I was also in a social change trying to figure out how to adjust because of my gender at that age group. And, also my mother left me for a yr. and a half or so.
I went through a big personality change then, but it wasn't like I felt I had no self, or didn't know who I was. It (I was changing) and though I didn't like those changes I still knew who I was.
Then I went through some smaller changes back and forth through the coming years.
Certain things about me were always the same: liked music, liked having friends, liked being active, was considered smart or bright, tough/strong, liked sports but not into or wiling to join any groups or teams (sports, stuff like the Girlscouts, or any outside classes like music lessons), agressive, didn't mind getting in trouble with authorities, had to start dealing with stuff having to do with appearance, became less talkative & friendly (becoming more selective about that),
became more self-concious & insecure- part way because of a teacher making a big deal about me wearing glasses- in front of the whole class, and being seperated because of having to leave the class and go to the special or gifted reading group, and because of being thrown into a basically not mixed environment where many were prejudiced.
It was a very hard time for me, but I don't remember feeling anything about my identity- Just that others were trying to shape it, and I didn't like the direction it was going in, and that I was going to resist that and fight it all the way.
Then I had some major changes to my identity as a teen I'd say around 16. Again, basically I was the same person, but felt outside influences trying to reshape me. Although I judged some of this to be better for me and went along with them. Basically thought much of it was for the better.
It was weird, towards the end of my teen yrs. it was like part of me was getting much worse and part was getting much better. Thank God, thanks to the Holy Spirit the "better" part won out.
I came to realize as a teen that I was wearing a mask, that I had become split in a way. I had certain things and ways that I allowed myself to reveal or be around others, and another side(s) I would not. I realised sometimes I had got myself caught up in a routine/pattern of behaviors that I didn't really want to be, or to be to that extent. I had to decide how I really wanted to be, how I should be, made note of what really mattered to me.
After observation of and experience with different people and situations (mostly the painful ones) I came to formulate what I thought was really most important in life and about life. And so figuring, that is what I should go after. Some things that I had involved myself in I realized was a waste of time and some harmful. I found myself in contrast to many around me, who did not notice these things or have my newly understood values. It was very hard and lonely...that once you are starting to feel like you fit in again, then seeing deep down -no you really don't.
My new value was about valuing people. This, having gone from not valuing people (except how maybe I can use them)- for the first 12 yrs. of my life, to not really caring, to seeing they have value in and of themselves, to placing great value on them, to then wanting to actively do something to help /improve the life of/build up those I knew, to looking at it that way but in a broader sense to include those I didn't really know and society in general.
I became disgusted with the non caring /non interested attitude of many of those close to me. Others I was frustrated with, because they couldn't understand my desire to wanting to expand that feeeling beyond just family & friends. I kept sensing there was something bigger & broader. I would play songs to, try to talk about it with certain others- but felt they just didn't get it.
It was like at around 13 this realization was broken into my life (thanks mostly due to a friend of mine) that there was more to life than just me, and what I wanted and how I felt & thought- and anything else was just a tool or prop. Then at around 17 I started dealing with there is more to it than just my little circle.
I was wrestling with this, and also my inner demons (some literally). Too many things there to write about now. Like I said , the worst wanting to take over me, and my best potential. The root of it, a lot of feelings I just couldn't deal with. Expressing them couldn't make them go away, hiding them didn't make thm go away, ignoring them didn't do it, nor distracting myself from them- which worked a bit, but they came back to stare me in the face.
Then the something more that I needed was there all the time. I just had to put it first. That was God, my belief in Jesus as Savior.
"It" hadn't worked for me completely before, because I hadn't totally relied on it, on Him God- the Christian faith. God hadn't changed, only I came to realize it was I who had the wrong concept of what it meant to be a Christian. God was always on my list since I was like 3 and my mother used to teach my Christian Science stuff. I had my first personal understanding of God when I was about 6 and used to love to look up and look into the sky all the time, and realized there had to have been a greater being than humans, who created all this.
Then at around 8 I was sent to a local Vacation Bible School by my mother who wanted to keep my busy & out of trouble. There I understood and firmly formulated that Jesus was God, who loved me. Also, there I learned the the Bible was from God-was His book, and and was the source of truth. This truely was a work of God, of the Holy Spirit depositing spiritual seeds in me. I'll never forget when I was a teen that my best friend was talking to me a whole bunch of stuff about religion.They were like trying to tell me that there was more than one way to God. Something deep inside me couldn't accept that. I knew that I knew Jesus was the only way. No matter what this person of a supposedly high postion had told them, I could sense they were being misguided, I knew that person, no matter how expert they seemed- what they were saying wasn't true. Yes, I was right, it is in the Bible. Doesn't matter who says what- God through His word to us says- Jesus is the only way.
Think that was like a test for me, thanks to those Baptists who planted the seeds of truth in me, that were solid- the truth is solid. These two seeds did help keep me from many worse things, things of confusion. Never thought getting caught up in multiple religions/beliefs was "cool" or arty. I mean, I wanted to be rogue, cool and arty but wasn't going to adapt or compromise there.
Never had any doubts about God, the way to God, or where to find out what's true about God- through the Bible.
I went to religious schools for like 5 yrs. I hate to say, that these 2 previous revelations stuck more than anything from those 5 yrs. I don't remember much teaching or got much religous understanding from it in all that time.
I thought I believed it, but I really didn't know what that meant (nor didn't know I didn't know). I was often, sometimes even frequently, daily reaching out to God- through praying, reading the Bible, stating "affirmations" that I thought were positive. Sometimes, especailly when in need I was frustrated God didn't respond to me. I wasn't mad at God for that, or for various difficult situations in my life. 1. I always knew God was good and loved me. 2. God was God, He could do whatever he wanted- why waste my time getting mad about that- He probably knows what He's doing.
I was more frustrated on why couldn't I "hear" Him, why couldn't He speak back to me- like He did with other people in the Bible. Why didn't I sense Him close to me and working in my life?
Occasionly I would think about this from time to time from 11 and on.
Then in my later teen years, it all came together. In my life then, it was Armeggedon. Amidst all this, the Holy Spirit was dealing with me, making me realize that though, I had mental & emotional assent to God & Christianity but I wasn't giving God the proper place/role in my live that a belief in the Creator would imply. If there was a God, then He would have to be something great perfect and full of love & wisdom. Since I believed this...what then kind of response does this deserve? What should my response to this being be? Place Him 3rd or 4th on my list?
I repented for neglecting God, for not giving Him the place He was due (even if only due to His nature of just being God). Then I was led to see in the Bible, that this was not just my idea, that this was not some philosophy I just made up. I read in the Bible, yes, this was what God/Jesus required if you say you are a believer in Him. The Bible showed true faith is a daily, core, first place thing. I saw how self-willed I was, how it was all about me, my independence, and me directling my own life.
I then gave my will over to God, it became then- whatever He wanted. That was OK, it was good, because I knew He was perfect in wisdom, love, knowledge and good motives toward me- so who better (even than flawed me) to direct my life?
So then I had another and I think my last drastic change to self, identity. My core self, then became me as a Christian. My belief in Jesus and who I am in Him and what that means to be a Christian is my identity, it is to be non-changing, non negotionable.
All my other stuff/parts/sides are still there but only on the peripheral. I've offered these up, and they can change. Things such as me as wife, as mother, ministry roles, operating in whatever gift... these things could change but my core can still stay solid and together because it is set in Christ. This also helps to make me more adaptable in many ways, more than before. It's all about what God wants for me, the rest can shift- it won't squash/kill who I am.
I am what I've (God has) made out of my past, I am the decisions I've made, I am who the Bible says I am, I am who God has created (& gifts/empowerment), and then called me to be and what He has for me, I am my current lifestyle and behavior, I am how I am thinking and feeling now, and who and what I have chosen (and also that who have little choice over) to be a part of my life is also a part of who I am today.
Whew, I didn't expect this to be so long, but one thought led to another...
I think I know some things about BPD, can even relate to many of the things that are a part of it- extreme emotions, impusiveness, rage, black or white thinking, abandonment issues, even to some degree the self- harming (although I applied that in more indirect ways such as alcohol abuse, self-neglect, dangerous risk taking)... but I have absolutely no clue about this issue of feeling like you have no core identity.
It's such a blank wall to me, I can't even wrap my mind around the question itself.
As a young child I can remember having a certain type of personality. I thought I had a solid sense of who I was (maybe too much so) structured around my personality, my likes and dislikes, my skills & abilites, my family & friends. Then my life changed at around 9 and I went through what I felt was an "identity crisis". My environment changed: I moved, changed schools, and in the process lost all my friends & previous standing. I was also in a social change trying to figure out how to adjust because of my gender at that age group. And, also my mother left me for a yr. and a half or so.
I went through a big personality change then, but it wasn't like I felt I had no self, or didn't know who I was. It (I was changing) and though I didn't like those changes I still knew who I was.
Then I went through some smaller changes back and forth through the coming years.
Certain things about me were always the same: liked music, liked having friends, liked being active, was considered smart or bright, tough/strong, liked sports but not into or wiling to join any groups or teams (sports, stuff like the Girlscouts, or any outside classes like music lessons), agressive, didn't mind getting in trouble with authorities, had to start dealing with stuff having to do with appearance, became less talkative & friendly (becoming more selective about that),
became more self-concious & insecure- part way because of a teacher making a big deal about me wearing glasses- in front of the whole class, and being seperated because of having to leave the class and go to the special or gifted reading group, and because of being thrown into a basically not mixed environment where many were prejudiced.
It was a very hard time for me, but I don't remember feeling anything about my identity- Just that others were trying to shape it, and I didn't like the direction it was going in, and that I was going to resist that and fight it all the way.
Then I had some major changes to my identity as a teen I'd say around 16. Again, basically I was the same person, but felt outside influences trying to reshape me. Although I judged some of this to be better for me and went along with them. Basically thought much of it was for the better.
It was weird, towards the end of my teen yrs. it was like part of me was getting much worse and part was getting much better. Thank God, thanks to the Holy Spirit the "better" part won out.
I came to realize as a teen that I was wearing a mask, that I had become split in a way. I had certain things and ways that I allowed myself to reveal or be around others, and another side(s) I would not. I realised sometimes I had got myself caught up in a routine/pattern of behaviors that I didn't really want to be, or to be to that extent. I had to decide how I really wanted to be, how I should be, made note of what really mattered to me.
After observation of and experience with different people and situations (mostly the painful ones) I came to formulate what I thought was really most important in life and about life. And so figuring, that is what I should go after. Some things that I had involved myself in I realized was a waste of time and some harmful. I found myself in contrast to many around me, who did not notice these things or have my newly understood values. It was very hard and lonely...that once you are starting to feel like you fit in again, then seeing deep down -no you really don't.
My new value was about valuing people. This, having gone from not valuing people (except how maybe I can use them)- for the first 12 yrs. of my life, to not really caring, to seeing they have value in and of themselves, to placing great value on them, to then wanting to actively do something to help /improve the life of/build up those I knew, to looking at it that way but in a broader sense to include those I didn't really know and society in general.
I became disgusted with the non caring /non interested attitude of many of those close to me. Others I was frustrated with, because they couldn't understand my desire to wanting to expand that feeeling beyond just family & friends. I kept sensing there was something bigger & broader. I would play songs to, try to talk about it with certain others- but felt they just didn't get it.
It was like at around 13 this realization was broken into my life (thanks mostly due to a friend of mine) that there was more to life than just me, and what I wanted and how I felt & thought- and anything else was just a tool or prop. Then at around 17 I started dealing with there is more to it than just my little circle.
I was wrestling with this, and also my inner demons (some literally). Too many things there to write about now. Like I said , the worst wanting to take over me, and my best potential. The root of it, a lot of feelings I just couldn't deal with. Expressing them couldn't make them go away, hiding them didn't make thm go away, ignoring them didn't do it, nor distracting myself from them- which worked a bit, but they came back to stare me in the face.
Then the something more that I needed was there all the time. I just had to put it first. That was God, my belief in Jesus as Savior.
"It" hadn't worked for me completely before, because I hadn't totally relied on it, on Him God- the Christian faith. God hadn't changed, only I came to realize it was I who had the wrong concept of what it meant to be a Christian. God was always on my list since I was like 3 and my mother used to teach my Christian Science stuff. I had my first personal understanding of God when I was about 6 and used to love to look up and look into the sky all the time, and realized there had to have been a greater being than humans, who created all this.
Then at around 8 I was sent to a local Vacation Bible School by my mother who wanted to keep my busy & out of trouble. There I understood and firmly formulated that Jesus was God, who loved me. Also, there I learned the the Bible was from God-was His book, and and was the source of truth. This truely was a work of God, of the Holy Spirit depositing spiritual seeds in me. I'll never forget when I was a teen that my best friend was talking to me a whole bunch of stuff about religion.They were like trying to tell me that there was more than one way to God. Something deep inside me couldn't accept that. I knew that I knew Jesus was the only way. No matter what this person of a supposedly high postion had told them, I could sense they were being misguided, I knew that person, no matter how expert they seemed- what they were saying wasn't true. Yes, I was right, it is in the Bible. Doesn't matter who says what- God through His word to us says- Jesus is the only way.
Think that was like a test for me, thanks to those Baptists who planted the seeds of truth in me, that were solid- the truth is solid. These two seeds did help keep me from many worse things, things of confusion. Never thought getting caught up in multiple religions/beliefs was "cool" or arty. I mean, I wanted to be rogue, cool and arty but wasn't going to adapt or compromise there.
Never had any doubts about God, the way to God, or where to find out what's true about God- through the Bible.
I went to religious schools for like 5 yrs. I hate to say, that these 2 previous revelations stuck more than anything from those 5 yrs. I don't remember much teaching or got much religous understanding from it in all that time.
I thought I believed it, but I really didn't know what that meant (nor didn't know I didn't know). I was often, sometimes even frequently, daily reaching out to God- through praying, reading the Bible, stating "affirmations" that I thought were positive. Sometimes, especailly when in need I was frustrated God didn't respond to me. I wasn't mad at God for that, or for various difficult situations in my life. 1. I always knew God was good and loved me. 2. God was God, He could do whatever he wanted- why waste my time getting mad about that- He probably knows what He's doing.
I was more frustrated on why couldn't I "hear" Him, why couldn't He speak back to me- like He did with other people in the Bible. Why didn't I sense Him close to me and working in my life?
Occasionly I would think about this from time to time from 11 and on.
Then in my later teen years, it all came together. In my life then, it was Armeggedon. Amidst all this, the Holy Spirit was dealing with me, making me realize that though, I had mental & emotional assent to God & Christianity but I wasn't giving God the proper place/role in my live that a belief in the Creator would imply. If there was a God, then He would have to be something great perfect and full of love & wisdom. Since I believed this...what then kind of response does this deserve? What should my response to this being be? Place Him 3rd or 4th on my list?
I repented for neglecting God, for not giving Him the place He was due (even if only due to His nature of just being God). Then I was led to see in the Bible, that this was not just my idea, that this was not some philosophy I just made up. I read in the Bible, yes, this was what God/Jesus required if you say you are a believer in Him. The Bible showed true faith is a daily, core, first place thing. I saw how self-willed I was, how it was all about me, my independence, and me directling my own life.
I then gave my will over to God, it became then- whatever He wanted. That was OK, it was good, because I knew He was perfect in wisdom, love, knowledge and good motives toward me- so who better (even than flawed me) to direct my life?
So then I had another and I think my last drastic change to self, identity. My core self, then became me as a Christian. My belief in Jesus and who I am in Him and what that means to be a Christian is my identity, it is to be non-changing, non negotionable.
All my other stuff/parts/sides are still there but only on the peripheral. I've offered these up, and they can change. Things such as me as wife, as mother, ministry roles, operating in whatever gift... these things could change but my core can still stay solid and together because it is set in Christ. This also helps to make me more adaptable in many ways, more than before. It's all about what God wants for me, the rest can shift- it won't squash/kill who I am.
I am what I've (God has) made out of my past, I am the decisions I've made, I am who the Bible says I am, I am who God has created (& gifts/empowerment), and then called me to be and what He has for me, I am my current lifestyle and behavior, I am how I am thinking and feeling now, and who and what I have chosen (and also that who have little choice over) to be a part of my life is also a part of who I am today.
Whew, I didn't expect this to be so long, but one thought led to another...
