I use to tell myself that it wasn't always this way; that I used to love and cherish my mother once upon a time.
But now looking back over my life, I realize that my relationship with her was always off.
My mom is a narcissist. People hear that word and think it means someone who's full of themself. But when it comes to parenting, narcissistic parents are abusive and damage their children in many ways. My mom's narcissism was somewhat veiled when I was a child but as I got older and sicker it came out in full force.
This is why I never talk about my feelings with her. She'll just steamroll over me, tell me I'm just not trying hard enough, that I should be more like her, that her problems are more important than mine, that I am just generally not enough or to her standard. If she's confronted with any wrongdoing that she's committed or if her opinions are proven to be wrong or evil she throws a fit and goes on the attack. Sometimes she even gets physical. It breaks my heart.
I've been made to feel like I'm not enough my entire life by her. My friends even noticed it when I was younger and frequently commented on her behavior towards me.
The fact that I found out months ago that she lied to me about not being married to my father ever and was never intending to tell me the truth drove a wedge in our relationship that I don't think will ever be fixed because she doesn't think she was in the wrong.
I wish she would change but I know she wont. I've prayed that God would change her heart but He hasn't and wont. She's supposed to be a Christian but the night she conceived me out of wedlock, she knew she was doing wrong and did it anyway despite being Christian. She still doesn't believe she did wrong. She believes that because I was born, I must have been God's plan.
But I don't think I was. I think God did not have a plan for me being born because I was conceived sinfully. But He tried to make the best of my life but it wasn't really enough.
I feel like all my problems are me paying for my mother's sin. I feel like I'm the one paying for her having sex after knowing my father for only four months and not intending to marry him while she KNEW it was wrong to do because she was not married, she was divorced, and she was almost too old to have a baby without complications. I feel like I'm the one paying for it all.
I just go from day to day mourning all the things that could have been and trying so hard to not crumble under the weight of all my burdens. I shed tears every single night because I don't understand why my heart holds out hope that God will bring me something to make my ears and eyes and overall health better when it's clear that He's not. He's just not going to.
I wish I were dead every single day. But no one cares. This is a harsh world where no one cares about other people's problems. You're just expected to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and quit complaining and crying. I'm so not made for this world. I'm not even worthy enough to receive God's help and maybe that's why He won't help me. I sometimes feel that my life is so unbelievable and my suffering is so great that there's no way that this can really be me. There's no way that this life is really mine. Not when I have so much inside of me that I could offer the world. I have so much in my mind and heart that I want to offer the world but I can't because I'm trapped inside a body that doesn't work properly.
And my mother and I will never be close ever again. I don't even think we were really, truly, or purely close in the first place. My whole life is a product of her sin and of living under her sin. And that's how it will always be. I've tried to change my situation so many times. I've tried to leave, to get a better job. I've tried so hard for so long but God won't let me get out of all of this. The only way out I see sometimes is to take my own life but it would be such an insult to God and such an insult to how far I've managed to come and how many things I've barely survived.
It's so devastating at the end of the day to know that my entire life I've never had an earthly parent that could love me in the way that they are supposed to. I'm not just a bastard but also essentially an orphan.
I just keep waiting for God to have mercy on me but He hasn't. I don't know if He ever will.
But now looking back over my life, I realize that my relationship with her was always off.
My mom is a narcissist. People hear that word and think it means someone who's full of themself. But when it comes to parenting, narcissistic parents are abusive and damage their children in many ways. My mom's narcissism was somewhat veiled when I was a child but as I got older and sicker it came out in full force.
This is why I never talk about my feelings with her. She'll just steamroll over me, tell me I'm just not trying hard enough, that I should be more like her, that her problems are more important than mine, that I am just generally not enough or to her standard. If she's confronted with any wrongdoing that she's committed or if her opinions are proven to be wrong or evil she throws a fit and goes on the attack. Sometimes she even gets physical. It breaks my heart.
I've been made to feel like I'm not enough my entire life by her. My friends even noticed it when I was younger and frequently commented on her behavior towards me.
The fact that I found out months ago that she lied to me about not being married to my father ever and was never intending to tell me the truth drove a wedge in our relationship that I don't think will ever be fixed because she doesn't think she was in the wrong.
I wish she would change but I know she wont. I've prayed that God would change her heart but He hasn't and wont. She's supposed to be a Christian but the night she conceived me out of wedlock, she knew she was doing wrong and did it anyway despite being Christian. She still doesn't believe she did wrong. She believes that because I was born, I must have been God's plan.
But I don't think I was. I think God did not have a plan for me being born because I was conceived sinfully. But He tried to make the best of my life but it wasn't really enough.
I feel like all my problems are me paying for my mother's sin. I feel like I'm the one paying for her having sex after knowing my father for only four months and not intending to marry him while she KNEW it was wrong to do because she was not married, she was divorced, and she was almost too old to have a baby without complications. I feel like I'm the one paying for it all.
I just go from day to day mourning all the things that could have been and trying so hard to not crumble under the weight of all my burdens. I shed tears every single night because I don't understand why my heart holds out hope that God will bring me something to make my ears and eyes and overall health better when it's clear that He's not. He's just not going to.
I wish I were dead every single day. But no one cares. This is a harsh world where no one cares about other people's problems. You're just expected to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and quit complaining and crying. I'm so not made for this world. I'm not even worthy enough to receive God's help and maybe that's why He won't help me. I sometimes feel that my life is so unbelievable and my suffering is so great that there's no way that this can really be me. There's no way that this life is really mine. Not when I have so much inside of me that I could offer the world. I have so much in my mind and heart that I want to offer the world but I can't because I'm trapped inside a body that doesn't work properly.
And my mother and I will never be close ever again. I don't even think we were really, truly, or purely close in the first place. My whole life is a product of her sin and of living under her sin. And that's how it will always be. I've tried to change my situation so many times. I've tried to leave, to get a better job. I've tried so hard for so long but God won't let me get out of all of this. The only way out I see sometimes is to take my own life but it would be such an insult to God and such an insult to how far I've managed to come and how many things I've barely survived.
It's so devastating at the end of the day to know that my entire life I've never had an earthly parent that could love me in the way that they are supposed to. I'm not just a bastard but also essentially an orphan.
I just keep waiting for God to have mercy on me but He hasn't. I don't know if He ever will.
