Wulp, here I go again. (Autocorrect tries to make "Wulp" pulp. Just a fun tidbit for ya)
Anyways...I'm not really sure how well I will be able to articulate the thoughts and feelings I've been having lately, but I'll give it the old college try.
My life is selfish. Its absolutely selfish. And by selfish I mean...Im not doing anything to make a difference. Yes, I am (financially) poor, but there are others who have it MUCH worse. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, etc. So many others do not. And what am I doing about it?
Nothing, that's what. And I am really starting to anger and disgust myself. More and more I feel...I don't know if "guilty" is the right word... Yep, here is where articulating gets slightly difficult. More and more lately I feel the Need to be doing Something- things that make a difference- but I don't know where to start or what to do or how and the longer I go without doing something the worse I feel. I feel utterly Selfish. My life should NOT be about me.
Ill repeat that. MY life (my earthly existence) should NOT be about me. Billions of people walk this earth and its not so that each one of them can go about there days as if the others don't exist, never helping others, just going through the motions, living out their lives strictly for themselves. Understand, Im not accusing anyone, Im not pointing fingers. Im just saying we as people, are meant to help each other "love one another" there are not as many of us as there is (are? Grammar Nazis reading this, help me out) so that we can all go it alone-individually. No. We are meant to be one. (Did I perhaps say something profound? Oh my ego. Lord break me down to size)
Warning: this blog entry is likely going to lack proper flow and be choppy. (Just go with it)
Earlier this evening I had on "The Lucy Show" (Big Lucille Ball fan) it had been playing while I gave my kids a bath and I was about to read them a story so I paused it. When story time was over I stared at the TV screen and thought, "Who is that for?" Answer?
Now, I haven't ever felt...what's the word...ugh...haven't ever felt...bad-convicted-guilty...(?) before for watching TV. It wasn't because of what show it was (though, Lucy is often deceptive in both "I love Lucy" and "the Lucy show") it was that I was spending my time on Myself. I've been finding most everything I do absolutely selfish lately. My life revolves around me. Yes, I have to kids, and I take care of them, that, I know is not selfish. But...ok...here is a typical day...
Get up. Get myself dressed for work. Wake my son and get him ready for school. Wake my daughter (she's a baby and sometimes I have to wake her. I have to be the bad guy) get her ready for daycare. Drive. Drive. DRIVE. (A good hour on the road) Work. Cook. Bath kids. Put kids to bed. (Blog on Cf when I should be sleeping) Get everything ready to do it all again the next day. On the weekends when there is no school and I don't work I stay home and try (but fail miserably) to work on cleaning my apartment unless there's an event going on. (Ex: Market days, VBS, family fun nights, etc.) And on Sunday we go to church of course. Now, its not selfish to go work, or to care for my kids. Absolutely not. But I go through my days doing what *I* need to do. The best way I can think to explain is that I have my own things to do, I live in my own little world, tending to what I need to tend to, that pertains to me and my kids. That's it. At the end of the day all my needs and my children's needs are met but what have I done for anyone else outside my own little world? Nothing. Today I can say I spent time with a friend, cooked dinner (Italian sausage with parmesan cheese flavored rice, diced tomatoes and green beans. Delicious.) I read "the mouse and the lion" to my kids and I blogged (half asleep). (Ok, three fourths asleep). I can not say that I did anything to make a difference in the world around me.
Perhaps Im being hard on myself? Idk. I just know that the urge to do something, and Im talking about things like feeding homeless, making blankets, raising money for missions (Im crafty, I should be selling crafts) is getting stronger. And everyday I do nothing I feel even more selfish and like Im wasting time.
My life is Not about me. Better yet, its Not For me. At least, it shouldn't be. My life should be For God. My life Should be about Him working through me. And every minute its not, just feels lived in vain.
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