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A Selfish Life

  1. Wulp, here I go again. (Autocorrect tries to make "Wulp" pulp. Just a fun tidbit for ya)
    Anyways...I'm not really sure how well I will be able to articulate the thoughts and feelings I've been having lately, but I'll give it the old college try.
    My life is selfish. Its absolutely selfish. And by selfish I mean...Im not doing anything to make a difference. Yes, I am (financially) poor, but there are others who have it MUCH worse. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, etc. So many others do not. And what am I doing about it?
    Nothing.
    Nothing, that's what. And I am really starting to anger and disgust myself. More and more I feel...I don't know if "guilty" is the right word... Yep, here is where articulating gets slightly difficult. More and more lately I feel the Need to be doing Something- things that make a difference- but I don't know where to start or what to do or how and the longer I go without doing something the worse I feel. I feel utterly Selfish. My life should NOT be about me.
    Ill repeat that. MY life (my earthly existence) should NOT be about me. Billions of people walk this earth and its not so that each one of them can go about there days as if the others don't exist, never helping others, just going through the motions, living out their lives strictly for themselves. Understand, Im not accusing anyone, Im not pointing fingers. Im just saying we as people, are meant to help each other "love one another" there are not as many of us as there is (are? Grammar Nazis reading this, help me out) so that we can all go it alone-individually. No. We are meant to be one. (Did I perhaps say something profound? Oh my ego. Lord break me down to size)
    Warning: this blog entry is likely going to lack proper flow and be choppy. (Just go with it)
    Earlier this evening I had on "The Lucy Show" (Big Lucille Ball fan) it had been playing while I gave my kids a bath and I was about to read them a story so I paused it. When story time was over I stared at the TV screen and thought, "Who is that for?" Answer?
    Me.
    Now, I haven't ever felt...what's the word...ugh...haven't ever felt...bad-convicted-guilty...(?) before for watching TV. It wasn't because of what show it was (though, Lucy is often deceptive in both "I love Lucy" and "the Lucy show") it was that I was spending my time on Myself. I've been finding most everything I do absolutely selfish lately. My life revolves around me. Yes, I have to kids, and I take care of them, that, I know is not selfish. But...ok...here is a typical day...
    Get up. Get myself dressed for work. Wake my son and get him ready for school. Wake my daughter (she's a baby and sometimes I have to wake her. I have to be the bad guy) get her ready for daycare. Drive. Drive. DRIVE. (A good hour on the road) Work. Cook. Bath kids. Put kids to bed. (Blog on Cf when I should be sleeping) Get everything ready to do it all again the next day. On the weekends when there is no school and I don't work I stay home and try (but fail miserably) to work on cleaning my apartment unless there's an event going on. (Ex: Market days, VBS, family fun nights, etc.) And on Sunday we go to church of course. Now, its not selfish to go work, or to care for my kids. Absolutely not. But I go through my days doing what *I* need to do. The best way I can think to explain is that I have my own things to do, I live in my own little world, tending to what I need to tend to, that pertains to me and my kids. That's it. At the end of the day all my needs and my children's needs are met but what have I done for anyone else outside my own little world? Nothing. Today I can say I spent time with a friend, cooked dinner (Italian sausage with parmesan cheese flavored rice, diced tomatoes and green beans. Delicious.) I read "the mouse and the lion" to my kids and I blogged (half asleep). (Ok, three fourths asleep). I can not say that I did anything to make a difference in the world around me.
    Perhaps Im being hard on myself? Idk. I just know that the urge to do something, and Im talking about things like feeding homeless, making blankets, raising money for missions (Im crafty, I should be selling crafts) is getting stronger. And everyday I do nothing I feel even more selfish and like Im wasting time.
    My life is Not about me. Better yet, its Not For me. At least, it shouldn't be. My life should be For God. My life Should be about Him working through me. And every minute its not, just feels lived in vain.
    Sam91, CtC and paul1149 like this.

Comments

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  1. Sam91
    I often feel the same way. People tell me the same things.

    Maybe the Lord will show you how else you can serve. Whether faithfully praying for others around you, your Church etc, or actively listening and supporting other Christians, showing Christ to others by your lifestyle. Sorry, those are solutions I came up with for myself, thought I would share, your probably doing most of that already though.
      WilliamBo likes this.
    1. Beautyinsteadofashes
      I really enjoy cooking for/feeding people. Its something I really enjoy and find rewarding. Id love to help feed people in third world countries...but thats a dream. I've also always wanted to feed homeless. That i can do
      Sam91 likes this.
    2. Beautyinsteadofashes
      And make them blankets! One granny square at a time! Lol (im a beginner so it takes awhile
      Sam91 likes this.
    3. Sam91
      How wonderful! :)
  2. CtC
    It doesn't take much to see that you aren't completely selfish. However, I think we all struggle with this. I imagine myself in the missions field, praying with people, reading the word, sharing in the struggles with people have nothing compared to what we are used to here.

    However, I don't believe God calls us all to that lifestyle. Instead, there are many roles we can fill. Raising children is one of the most prominent and important. How many times does the word of God speak about children? It is a lot, I bet.

    You are on the right path, I think. Keep seeking His will for you. In the meantime, be still and know He is God.
      Sam91 likes this.
  3. THE W
    how old are your children?
    1. View previous replies...
    2. THE W
      you don't think raising two children to be godly people and productive citizens is doing something to make a difference?
      CtC likes this.
    3. Beautyinsteadofashes
      I hadn't thought about it like that. It is making a difference. I guess as far as giving to others and being a blessing, I feel I could be doing more.
      CtC likes this.
    4. THE W
      certainly don't give up those aspirations, but do realize the giving, difference making, and blessing you are right now in raising your children and given them opportunities in life that you may not have had. be faithful in a little and you'll be given more, though I wouldn't say raising our future is 'little'.
      CtC and Beautyinsteadofashes like this.
  4. WilliamBo
    Christina, without Christ the only thing we CAN do is be selfish... that's the nature of our flesh/fallen nature. Don't be hard on yourself but know that we have to crucify our own desires and give our life to God. We must press into Him for everything, He gives us strength and power over our weaknesses
      CtC likes this.
    1. Beautyinsteadofashes
      Maybe Im feeling this way because I don't have enough of Him?
      CtC likes this.
    2. WilliamBo
      I don't know, maybe. Growing in Christ is a process. He knows where you're at, don't give up, keeping pursuing intimacy with Him
      CtC and Beautyinsteadofashes like this.
  5. mukk_in
    Some of what you just described is the result of living (and you aren't alone in feeling that way). Nothing to be sorry about. God bless :).