Considering things again, praying & thinking.
My care/love what does it do what can it do, really? Oh but the love of God can change everything. The Bible even says- "the greatest of these is love". Guts spilled out on the ground, for what, for what purpose? Yet God Himself already did such a thing- to with great effect, if one will receive it.
The Bible also says- "Unless the Lord builds the house the people labor in vain"...
I had a horrible attack of the devil (some evil spirit) against me last night- ug it was so painful, like childbirth. My whole midsection was in pain, unlike anything I had ever felt before. I cant even describe it wasn't local to any particular spot (like gut problems usually are) it wasn't throbbing or in waves. It just hit like a bomb and was intense pain and like my whole midsection (stomach, intestines and all mid organs) were on fire. So I went into the bathroom (though I could barely walk). Seriously I realized why some people would take pain meds, if they feel that much pain ( I almost felt like, I'd rather die than feel this).
Then I prayed and rebuked the attack and it was gone, suddenly just like that.
So then I kept praying, reminding myself that God knows best. We think something would be good for us, but we really don't know, the end from the beginning & everything in between.
Then this morning I got a grip, and reminded myself of reality. Part of me wanted to feel guilty or something like that like I should be patient. Then I remembered, hey it's been 20 years, isn't that patient enough? LOL I guess there is a time to stop being "persistent" persevering whatever. I guess at other times it might be considered stubbornness or even foolishness- maybe this case. I mean like (slap myself) come on, in comparison I see they have a real relationship with this other person like open communication etc. etc... It's not that I'm jealous or anything but I'd really be fooling myself to think then that they care anything for me. If anything isn't forthcoming after this long, I don't think it ever will. Combine that with the fruitless/purposelessness of my own feelings, what does that add up to? Paranoia is like these persistent fear thoughts & feelings in spite of actual evidence- just suspicions & faulty perceptions. So I guess I've kind of had something similar but in a positive sense.
I've had a lot of good relationship moments, why should I keep holding on to this? If it's God's will whatever will come again, from which ever direction (I just have to keep myself open)..
My care/love what does it do what can it do, really? Oh but the love of God can change everything. The Bible even says- "the greatest of these is love". Guts spilled out on the ground, for what, for what purpose? Yet God Himself already did such a thing- to with great effect, if one will receive it.
The Bible also says- "Unless the Lord builds the house the people labor in vain"...
I had a horrible attack of the devil (some evil spirit) against me last night- ug it was so painful, like childbirth. My whole midsection was in pain, unlike anything I had ever felt before. I cant even describe it wasn't local to any particular spot (like gut problems usually are) it wasn't throbbing or in waves. It just hit like a bomb and was intense pain and like my whole midsection (stomach, intestines and all mid organs) were on fire. So I went into the bathroom (though I could barely walk). Seriously I realized why some people would take pain meds, if they feel that much pain ( I almost felt like, I'd rather die than feel this).
Then I prayed and rebuked the attack and it was gone, suddenly just like that.
So then I kept praying, reminding myself that God knows best. We think something would be good for us, but we really don't know, the end from the beginning & everything in between.
Then this morning I got a grip, and reminded myself of reality. Part of me wanted to feel guilty or something like that like I should be patient. Then I remembered, hey it's been 20 years, isn't that patient enough? LOL I guess there is a time to stop being "persistent" persevering whatever. I guess at other times it might be considered stubbornness or even foolishness- maybe this case. I mean like (slap myself) come on, in comparison I see they have a real relationship with this other person like open communication etc. etc... It's not that I'm jealous or anything but I'd really be fooling myself to think then that they care anything for me. If anything isn't forthcoming after this long, I don't think it ever will. Combine that with the fruitless/purposelessness of my own feelings, what does that add up to? Paranoia is like these persistent fear thoughts & feelings in spite of actual evidence- just suspicions & faulty perceptions. So I guess I've kind of had something similar but in a positive sense.
I've had a lot of good relationship moments, why should I keep holding on to this? If it's God's will whatever will come again, from which ever direction (I just have to keep myself open)..
