Your Favorite Biblical/Christian Jokes

[MrSnow]

Anyone have any good ones? I'll share one.

George W. Bush was walking down the street one day when he happened to see Moses walking the other direction. Bush looked intently at him to see if it was really him. All the while Moses just looked straight at the ground. Once they passed each other Bush realized that it really was the Moses from the Bible. So he turned around and yelled "Moses!" When Moses didn't respond, Bush started running towards him and yelled "Moses!" again. When he still didn't respond, Bush finally caught up to him, grabbed him by the shoulders, turned him around and said "Moses, I've been calling your name, and I know you heard me. Why didn't you answer me?" Moses replied, "the last time I spoke to a bush I ended up wandering in the desert for 40 years."

 

[SpiritPsalmist]

Anyone have any good ones? I'll share one.

George W. Bush was walking down the street one day when he happened to see Moses walking the other direction. Bush looked intently at him to see if it was really him. All the while Moses just looked straight at the ground. Once they passed each other Bush realized that it really was the Moses from the Bible. So he turned around and yelled "Moses!" When Moses didn't respond, Bush started running towards him and yelled "Moses!" again. When he still didn't respond, Bush finally caught up to him, grabbed him by the shoulders, turned him around and said "Moses, I've been calling your name, and I know you heard me. Why didn't you answer me?" Moses replied, "the last time I spoke to a bush I ended up wandering in the desert for 40 years."

My fave joke is:

There was a Jewish deli looking for a chef. One afternoon there were three gentlemen to interview. The interviewer took the first man aside and handed the applicant a knife and said, "show me your cutting skills" as he let a fly out of a box. Quickly the applicant sliced the fly in half and the fly dropped dead to the table. With the second applicant the interviewer did the same thing. The applicant sliced the fly in quarters and the fly dropped dead to the table. The third applicant the interviewer did the same. This time however, as the knife whisked through the air, the fly only faltered a bit and then flew away.

The interviewer said, "so what was that? The fly is still living". The applicant smiled and said, "ah, circumcision not meant to kill".

 

[he4rty]

The Pope arrives at heaven and is greeted by Jesus, Jesus begins to show the Pope around Heaven and asks the Pope if there is anything he would really like to see.
The Pope without hesitation responds, "I would like to see the original bible written by Gods Hand."
"No Problem," replies Jesus and he leads the pope down a long narrow corridor to a small wooden door, opening the door into a small room, the Pope sees a lectern standing in the middle of the room and resting on the lectern is the Bible.
Jesus looks to the Pope "Go, have a read, I'll wait outside until your ready."

Jesus is waiting patiently outside, the hours pass by when suddenly loud wailing can be heard from within the room, Jesus quickly rushes into the room
"Whats the matter." he exclaims


"CELEBRATE, the word is CELEBRATE!" wails the Pope.

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

A minister was pleased to see a new member join his congregation but the man's attendance was hit and miss. One day he noticed that the parishioner hasn't attended a service so the minister decided to make a home visit. On reaching the man's house, he knocked on the door and seeing that someone was inside, was puzzled that they didn't open the door.

The next Sunday he saw the member back at church. So as not to cause embarrassment and to let him know that it was him who'd called by, the minister wrote "Rev 3:20" and handed it to him.

At the end of the service the man handed the note back to the minister and left. The minister opened the note and saw "Gen 3:10"

 

[SpiritPsalmist]

Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven."


The boy replied, "I don't think I'll be there... You don't even know your way to the post office."

 

[SavedByGrace3]

1 King 18:


22 Then Elijah said to them, “I am the only prophet of the Lord who is left, but Baal has 450 prophets. 23 Now bring two bulls. The prophets of Baal may choose whichever one they wish and cut it into pieces and lay it on the wood of their altar, but without setting fire to it. I will prepare the other bull and lay it on the wood on the altar, but not set fire to it. 24 Then call on the name of your god, and I will call on the name of the Lord. The god who answers by setting fire to the wood is the true God!” And all the people agreed.
25 Then Elijah said to the prophets of Baal, “You go first, for there are many of you. Choose one of the bulls, and prepare it and call on the name of your god. But do not set fire to the wood.”
26 So they prepared one of the bulls and placed it on the altar. Then they called on the name of Baal from morning until noontime, shouting, “O Baal, answer us!” But there was no reply of any kind. Then they danced, hobbling around the altar they had made. 27 About noontime Elijah began mocking them. “You’ll have to shout louder,” he scoffed, “for surely he is a god! Perhaps he is daydreaming, or is relieving himself. Or maybe he is away on a trip, or is asleep and needs to be wakened!”


(Contemporary English Version)
27At noon, Elijah began making fun of them. "Pray louder!" he said. "Baal must be a god. Maybe he's day-dreaming or using the toilet or traveling somewhere. Or maybe he's asleep, and you have to wake him up."


(New International Reader's Version)
27 At noon Elijah began to tease them. "Shout louder!" he said. "I'm sure Baal is a god! Perhaps he has too much to think about. Or maybe he has gone to the toilet. Or perhaps he's away on a trip. Maybe he's sleeping. You might have to wake him up."

 

[MrSnow]

A minister was pleased to see a new member join his congregation but the man's attendance was hit and miss. One day he noticed that the parishioner hasn't attended a service so the minister decided to make a home visit. On reaching the man's house, he knocked on the door and seeing that someone was inside, was puzzled that they didn't open the door.

The next Sunday he saw the member back at church. So as not to cause embarrassment and to let him know that it was him who'd called by, the minister wrote "Rev 3:20" and handed it to him.

At the end of the service the man handed the note back to the minister and left. The minister opened the note and saw "Gen 3:10"

Made me do a little research. I laughed pretty hard at that one.

The Pope was in his office attending to some pontifical affairs when one of his cardinals rushed through the door exclaiming, "Holy Father, Holy Father!"
The Pope calmly replied "what is it, Cardinal?"
He answered the Pope, "Well, I have some good news and some bad news."
"Let's start with the good news", said the Pope.
"The good news is that the second coming of Christ just happened. Jesus has returned to earth after over 2000 years!"
"Well that's wonderful! That's the best news I've heard in all my life. How could there possibly be bad news associated with that?"
The cardinal sighed, bit his bottom lip, hesitated, then said, "He's in Utah."

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

Made me do a little research. I laughed pretty hard at that one.

Two nuns are out driving in Transylvania when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of their car. "Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross!"
So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "OI! YOU! GET OFF THE CAR!"

 

[Lotuspetal_uk]

This is dh's favourite joke (have no idea why )

Just minutes before the church services started the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't" said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony forever?"

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 45 years."

 

[MrSnow]

God said to Abraham "kill me a son."
Abe said "man you must be puttin' me on"
God said "no."
Abe said "what?"
God say "you can do what you wanna but,
the next time you see me comin' you better run."
Well Abe said "where d'you want this killin' done?"
God said "out on highway 61."

I know it's not a joke, but it crossed my mind narrytheless.


Billy Graham, President Hinkley (the prophet of the CoJCoLDS), and the Pope were all walking through the woods one day. They came across a river, but it had a powerful current. As they contemplated how to get across, the Pope just started walking right on top of the water over to the other side. Shortly thereafter President Hinkley did the same thing. Billy Graham said a short prayer, took a step, and fell right into the river, but fortunately was able to grab onto a tree limb and not go down the river. The Pope said to President Hinkley "should we tell him about the rocks?" President Hinkley responded, "what rocks?"

I dated a Mormon some years ago, hence my seemingly pro-Mormon jokes.

 

[nephilimiyr]

There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS
town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church,
the Church of Christ, the Catholic Church and the
Jewish Synagogue Each church and Synagogue was overrun
with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to
decide what to do about the squirrels. After much
prayer and consideration they Determined that the
squirrels were predestined to be there and they
shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up
habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and
decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown
the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow
and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Church of Christ got together and decided that
they were not in a position to harm any of God's
creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels
and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three
days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and
most effective solution.They baptized the squirrels
and registered them as members of the church. Now
they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but
they took one squirrel and had a short service with
him called circumcision and they haven't seen a
squirrel on the property since!

 

[he4rty]

A Man arrives in Heaven and is greeted by ST. Peter, St. Peter leads the man down a large corridor with loads of doors aligning either side.
As the slowly walk past the first ornate wooden door, Peter slowly opens it and inside are masses of people on their knees praying, "That will be the Catholics" said Peter.
Soon they pass another Door made of just plain wood, Peter opens this second door and inside are loads of people sitting down to a feast, "That will be the Baptists" Peter Replied.
They continued down the corridor with Peter showing the Man each of the rooms behind each door, till eventually they came to a door made of the thickest steel you could image, Peter whispering to the man said "We don't go in there and the rule is you never talk when you pass this door"
"Why?" asked the man curiously.
"Because that's where the Charismatics are and they believe they are the only ones hear." said Peter.

 

[SpiritPsalmist]

1 King 18:


22 Then Elijah said to them, “I am the only prophet of the Lord who is left, but Baal has 450 prophets. 23 Now bring two bulls. The prophets of Baal may choose whichever one they wish and cut it into pieces and lay it on the wood of their altar, but without setting fire to it. I will prepare the other bull and lay it on the wood on the altar, but not set fire to it. 24 Then call on the name of your god, and I will call on the name of the Lord. The god who answers by setting fire to the wood is the true God!” And all the people agreed.
25 Then Elijah said to the prophets of Baal, “You go first, for there are many of you. Choose one of the bulls, and prepare it and call on the name of your god. But do not set fire to the wood.”
26 So they prepared one of the bulls and placed it on the altar. Then they called on the name of Baal from morning until noontime, shouting, “O Baal, answer us!” But there was no reply of any kind. Then they danced, hobbling around the altar they had made. 27 About noontime Elijah began mocking them. “You’ll have to shout louder,” he scoffed, “for surely he is a god! Perhaps he is daydreaming, or is relieving himself. Or maybe he is away on a trip, or is asleep and needs to be wakened!”


(Contemporary English Version)
27At noon, Elijah began making fun of them. "Pray louder!" he said. "Baal must be a god. Maybe he's day-dreaming or using the toilet or traveling somewhere. Or maybe he's asleep, and you have to wake him up."


(New International Reader's Version)
27 At noon Elijah began to tease them. "Shout louder!" he said. "I'm sure Baal is a god! Perhaps he has too much to think about. Or maybe he has gone to the toilet. Or perhaps he's away on a trip. Maybe he's sleeping. You might have to wake him up."

That is pretty funny dids. I always thought it funny too when God was dishing out all the plagues through Moses, and the Egyptian magicians duplicated them. Ya know, like there's already 1 million frogs and the Magicians have now added another million....what sense did that make?

 

[SpiritPsalmist]

[FONT=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]There was a tailor named Mendel and he was worried about his business. Mendel was down to his last $50 and was torn between buying a sign and getting food for his family. Mendel decided to pray.

"Dear G-D," he said, "I don't know what to do. If I buy
a sign it may bring in business, but I need to buy groceries for my family...and if the sign doesn't bring in sales, we will starve.

G-D replied, "Mendel buy the sign. Don't worry, your family won't starve."

So, Mendel bought the sign and business took off. The tailor fed his family and all was well. However, as time passed it became evident that Mendel couldn't keep up with orders all by himself. He contemplated hiring on a helper, but wondered if he could afford it. So, he asked G-D if getting help would be a prudent move.

"Go ahead," G-D tells Mendel, "hire some help, you'll do okay."

And so Mendel did. And business took off beyond his wildest dreams. After a time, the tailor decided to move to a larger site that would accommodate the growing demands of his business. As he surveyed certain locations, he found a perfect storefront, but the rental price was really steep.

"G-D" Mendel again prayed, "I found the perfect place to relocate my business. But the cost of the lease worries me. I don't want to get in over my head."

"Go ahead and a get a lease on the store, Mendel," said G-D. "Trust me, you'll be okay--I haven't steered you wrong yet, have I?"

So Mendel signed a lease on the 5th Avenue store and profits from his business went through the roof. Out of heartfelt gratitude, Mendel proposed to the Almighty that he dedicate the store to Him.

"How do you like the name "Yaweh and Mendel," the tailor asked.

"Nah," G-D said. "Let's go with 'Lord and Taylor.'"'
[/FONT]

 

[SpiritPsalmist]

The main course at the big civic dinner was baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes. Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed to him.
"When," scolded Father Kelly playfully, "are you going to forget that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?"
Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied "At your wedding reception, Father Kelly."

 

[SpiritPsalmist]

A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly. It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really "Gladly The Cross I'd Bear,"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


This reminds me of one of my previous pastors little girl. With the song "We Bring the Sacrifice of Praise", she thought we were singing "We bring a sack of fries and Pray"

 

[SpiritPsalmist]

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.


She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."


The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."


So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.


The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"


He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."


The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."


The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"

 

[Strong in Him]

Some years ago, my brother's family sang the chorus "Make Way", at their church on Palm Sunday and waved Palm leaves. For some time afterwards, my youngest niece thought the song was "make waves".


But then, as we are all called to "make waves" and turn the world upside down for God, maybe she wasn't too far wrong.

 

[MrSnow]

The main course at the big civic dinner was baked ham with glazed sweet potatoes. Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was passed to him.
"When," scolded Father Kelly playfully, "are you going to forget that silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?"
Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied "At your wedding reception, Father Kelly."

That was good!

 

[razzelflabben]

A man was asked by the pastor to join his family for dinner. The man agreed and sat down with the pastors family to an incredible dinner, complete with a homemade hot salsa.

As the man prepared his plate, the hot salsa was passed and he took some upon his plate. Eventually he ate the salsa and it was hot. In fact it was so hot that tears came to his eyes, and sweat began pouring from his face. The man's mouth was burning but despite this he tried to ask for water. The fire in his mouth was so hot that word did not come and so the man stood and grabbed the pitcher of water sitting on the table, drinking it down all at once.

When finally the man was able to talk again, he looked at the pastor and said, "I have heard a lot of pastors preach hell fire in my life, but your the first I have ever known to give samples."