Years of backsliding

[cmudave]

Years ago, around 2003 or 2004, I gave my life to Christ. I was water baptized and walked in repentance to the best of my ability. I had an active prayer life, stayed in the word every day, and tried to live for Yeshua to the best of my ability. My only desires were to serve him and do the best I could to honor him, and even led some people to him, who to this day are still faithful and serving him. In my free time I would pray for people, help with the less fortunate, learn more about him and try to draw as close as I possibly could to him. Over time I started to give in to different sins. It eventually became a snowball effect to where I grew farther away that I could have ever imagined. It's been years. I have given into fornication, alcohol, and drugs and I am terrified and ashamed at what I have become.

I feel that I have fallen too far. I feel like Judas in betraying him. He gave me everything, genuine peace and happiness, and I let myself fall into the temptations of the world. I feel like the seed that was spoken of in Matthew 13:5 "Some fell on stony places, where they did not have much earth; and they immediately sprang up because they had no depth of earth. 6 But when the sun was up they were scorched, and because they had no root they withered away." I am also terrified by the verse Hebrews 6:4. "For it is impossible for those who were once enlightened, and have tasted the heavenly gift, and have become partakers of the Holy Spirit, 5 and have tasted the good word of God and the powers of the age to come, 6 if they fall away, to renew them again to repentance, since they crucify again for themselves the Son of God, and put Him to an open shame."

It has been on my mind since the day I started falling, and reading that, it seems to say that there is no hope in me being able to have a chance to be close to him again.

I want nothing more than to be close to him again, and to walk in righteousness, and to live for him, to walk in the spirit and not in the flesh. I want to feel his presence again. I want to feel his forgiveness. I wish that I would have never let myself fall so far. Even tonight I have done drugs and alcohol, and am still not in a sober state of mind, but I know this is my heart, and even when I wake up and am sober, I know that what I am typing now is what is truly coming from my heart. I think about my situation, and God, and my future and my past every day, and I feel so hopeless and doomed, every day. I just want to be close to him like I was when I was walking in repentance and seeking him with all of my heart.

Is it still possible for me to have what I once had? Is Hebrews 6:4 saying that there is no hope? What should I do? Where should I start?

 

[mikeforjesus]

Christ Jesus came into the world to heal the broken hearted and make His home with them

There is always hope if you have a true contrite heart. But only God can determine that. Be reconciled to God today
Have a heart like the servant who waits for his master when He will return
Today is the day of salvation. Tommorow is not promised. No one knows when he will die. God is patient many times and will give a time for people to repent but we don't know when He chooses to take us so we should try to be always ready. You are lucky you are alive today God has found you worthy do not waste it. If you have commited willful sins you can be reconciled to God today. We should live as though we will die soon and be ready to give account. To sin wilfully probably means to abandon the faith but even Jesus said if your hand causes you to sin cut it off so there is danger if you are enjoying sin. The proof of a living faith is repentance. For only those in the faith can be renewed unto repentance. Have hope but be like the wise virgins who prepared for christs return with works befitting repentance always waiting for His coming and fearful He comes without enough oil which is true repentance and fearful He comes when they are in sin so they preferred never to be in sin

 

[Hospes]

I want nothing more than to be close to him again, and to walk in righteousness, and to live for him, to walk in the spirit and not in the flesh. I want to feel his presence again. I want to feel his forgiveness. I wish that I would have never let myself fall so far... I just want to be close to him like I was when I was walking in repentance and seeking him with all of my heart.

What you have written above tells me you are not too far gone. Only God gives the heart the desire to write such things, i.e. He's not done with you or he would have not given you these desires.

Is it still possible for me to have what I once had? Is Hebrews 6:4 saying that there is no hope? What should I do? Where should I start?

Find a mature believer, one who truly loves God and has walked with him for years, and ask for help to walk your way out of the mess you have fallen in to.

Grace to you.

 

[paul1149]

I know that what I am typing now is what is truly coming from my heart

It is, and do not doubt that.

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account. -Heb 4:12-13​

The Lord Jesus is very good at distinguishing between performance and the heart. We can be messing up pretty bad, but still not go beyond the reach of His grace. And then some might have what looks like a very commendable walk, but their hearts might not be His.

Consider the guy in 1Cor 5, who was sleeping with his stepmother. Even in the judgment Paul pronounces on him, the stated intent is not punishment, but rather the salvation of his soul.

Now turn to 2Cor 1-2, and observe the tender mercies Paul extends to the man, now repentant. The same infraction he had said not even gentiles do, he now minimizes, and he is absolutely solicitous of the wellbeing of the man's soul. This is how Jesus treats the repentant sinner. And this discourse on compassion and mercy toward the weak leads directly to the glorious 3rd chapter, on Spirit over letter.

Read ALL of Ps 51.

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. -Ps 51:17​

Do not give up hope. The heart is what Jesus cares about, not performance. He knows how messed up we can get. Wait for the Good Shepherd (Lk 15). He will go out looking for the lost sheep. His love is incalculable and He will not rest until you are safely back in the flock.

Examine Heb. 6 very carefully. Perhaps it is impossible for man to bridge the gap to repentance when the heart has fallen so far into the trap of sin, which the writer later goes on to say "so easily entangles". But you need to incorporate the FULL counsel of God to avoid error (Acts 20). "What is impossible with men, is possible with God". The writer is making a point in ch 6. He admits his writing "in this manner" is intended to prevent his readers from falling into that trap, and he states that his purpose is to exhort. If you interpret this passage at a superficial level it comes close to reducing God to favoritism, which would be a violation of Scripture. Clearly something deeper is intended, and this passage does not stand alone.

The Son of Man, who is the Word of god, came to save, not condemn (Jn 3). And Scripture, the written Word of God, is given for precisely the same purpose. No portion of scripture should be taken fatalistically. It is there to warn, to reprove, to exhort, sometimes in the harshest of terms. But not to condemn. There is no sin, repented, that can withstand the grace of God based on the atoning sacrifice of the perfect man, the Lord Jesus Christ. Plead the Blood!

Keep trusting in Him, even before you feel the victory. Do not let the world, flesh and devil deceive you with their lies. The devil is already defeated, and the foundational works of Christ are completed. Rest in them, pursue the promises, and the Lord will cause you to walk in triumphal procession.

For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace. -Rom 6:14​

 

[Goodbook]

I recommend reading the parable of the prodigal son. A Father always welcomes his son back, even if hes gone astray and was sleeping with the pigs.

 

[aiki]

Years ago, around 2003 or 2004, I gave my life to Christ. I was water baptized and walked in repentance to the best of my ability. I had an active prayer life, stayed in the word every day, and tried to live for Yeshua to the best of my ability. My only desires were to serve him and do the best I could to honor him, and even led some people to him, who to this day are still faithful and serving him. In my free time I would pray for people, help with the less fortunate, learn more about him and try to draw as close as I possibly could to him. Over time I started to give in to different sins. It eventually became a snowball effect to where I grew farther away that I could have ever imagined. It's been years. I have given into fornication, alcohol, and drugs and I am terrified and ashamed at what I have become.

Sounds like you weren't properly discipled. I think if you had been, your experience might have been very different. Too often new believers are left to school themselves in the faith and are encouraged to do rather than be as disciples of Christ.

I feel that I have fallen too far.

Romans 5:20
20 ...But where sin abounded, grace abounded much more,

Your sin cannot exceed God's grace, and mercy, and love.

I feel like Judas in betraying him.

Or maybe the apostle Peter? He flatly betrayed Christ three times! Even after he had been warned by Jesus that he would! But he went on to be a faithful follower of Jesus, used mightily by God to establish the Early Church.

It has been on my mind since the day I started falling, and reading that, it seems to say that there is no hope in me being able to have a chance to be close to him again.

Do you think God feels surprised or let down by your backsliding? Not hardly! He knew from eternity past all that you would ever do, and think, and feel. None of your sinful living, then, disappoints God, or shocks Him, or fails to meet His expectations. He doesn't like or approve of your sin at all, but He is not scandalized by it.

Your salvation cannot ever be obtained on the basis of your good deeds (Eph. 2:8, 9; Tit 3:5; Ga. 2:16). God accepts you because of your faith in the saving work of His Son on your behalf on the cross. Paul writes that we are "accepted in the beloved" who is Jesus (Eph. 1:6) and it is only on this basis that we are accepted by God. God accepts you because He sees you "in Christ," clothed in his righteousness, and thus made acceptable to Himself. The character of your living, then, has nothing to do with your being saved and it has nothing to do with remaining accepted by God. The righteousness of Christ that has been imputed to you is perfect and unchanging even when your living is sinful. So, God does not look at your sin and say, "Oh! He's done it again! Well, that's it! I've had enough! I reject this wretched fellow!" As I said, your success in living as God commands had nothing to do with why He accepted you in the first place and it has nothing to do with whether or not He continues to accept you.

It has been on my mind since the day I started falling, and reading that, it seems to say that there is no hope in me being able to have a chance to be close to him again.

I think you've misread the verse. If King David could be restored to fellowship with God after committing adultery and murder, you can certainly be restored! Hebrew 6:4-6 describes those who have heard the Gospel, been enlightened by God's Spirit to its truth, and have even been enthused about it, but who nonetheless ultimately reject it. Such people, having clearly understood the Gospel as the sole means of their salvation but rejecting it, leave themselves without hope of salvation. It is not that God would not save them if they turned in repentance and faith to Him, but that on their end they have willfully shut the door on such an option. And until they re-open it, which they have determined not to do, they are doomed. But this doesn't sound like you. Such people do not pine for a better relationship with God and mourn the loss of their fellowship with Him as you are doing.

I want nothing more than to be close to him again, and to walk in righteousness, and to live for him, to walk in the spirit and not in the flesh. I want to feel his presence again. I want to feel his forgiveness. I wish that I would have never let myself fall so far.

1 John 1:8-9
8 If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.
9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Philippians 3:12-14
12 Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me.
13 Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead,
14 I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Romans 12:1-2
1 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service.
2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

Selah.

 

[Purge187]

I want nothing more than to be close to him again, and to walk in righteousness, and to live for him, to walk in the spirit and not in the flesh.

Your desire for betterment is proof that you haven't fallen too far. I speak from experience.

Jesus took the eternal penalty of our sins at Calvary, but until then, we'll struggle with the persuasions of sin. It isn't a matter of compromise; it's a matter of fact.