Would God tell me.......

[KleinerApfel]

When a man is unable to stand up to his birth family, even to defend his precious wife, there is a deep and painful reason in his heart that got sown there a long, long time ago.

If those people make you, a confident adult woman, a child of God who knows who she really is, feel threatened or abused, then how could a small boy have ever coped with them?

Perhaps a little boy's heart turned to jelly as it absorbed years of criticism instead of encouragement.
God isn't "calling" him a jellyfish, but maybe He's alerting you to the seriousness of his wounds.

I'm sure your husband loves you dearly and feels very badly about this, and wishes with all his heart he could be bold.
This is hard for you, your needs are not being fully met by your man, but know this - it isn't because he doesn't care.

God blesses your marriage, He has His hand upon it, He is revealing things to you. Lean on God. I know, I know, it's not easy. That's all we can do though, so trust Him - He didn't bring you this far to leave you!

 

[Jpark]

what's a jellyfish?

 

[Faulty]

what's a jellyfish?

Sort of like a tuna fish, but tastes better with peanut butter.

He may be a jellyfish, but, God didn’t make him to be one.

Ask God to give you a picture of who He wants your husband to be.

If he tells you a “Lion”

Then you start calling him a lion


John O.

Very well said.

 

[Christian_Economist]

Haha, Yes I am serious :0

My husband is very weak when it comes to confronting people. For instance, certain members of his family have treated me badly over the years and he never confronted and dealt with those people as he should have. And as I contemplated this one night, I was thinking, "He's.........., and the words "a jellyfish" was dropped into my mind before I could finish the sentence. Well, I had never heard that expression before, so did some research on the internet to see if it was in fact an expressiion used to describe people and discovered that it is used to descibe people lacking a "backbone"

Initially I was surprised and doubted that God would call my husband a jellyfish , but after thinking about it I am beginning to believe that maybe He would, but I'm still not certain and wanted know what others thought.

It sure makes sense to me.

My dad was the same kind of man when my parents were married. Once my mom actually stopped talking to my dad's sister for awhile because of how she treated her. My aunt felt bad and questioned my dad, and my dad reassured my aunt that she did nothing wrong and repeatedly said "She's like that." Your husband was born into his family and will likely be a part of it until the day he dies, but when he married you he started his own. I don't know if you two have kids but my point is that he chose to spend his life with you and has a responsibility.

 

[kathie]

Hi TLB,

My huband was loved by his parents. They didn't criticise him, but encouraged him throughout his childhood. But when he was little his father used to drink and hit his mother sometimes. This didn't continue throughout his whole childhood, but only for a short time earlier on in his childhood.

To be honest, this fault in my husband has had a major lasting effect on my marriage.

 

[KleinerApfel]

Hi TLB,

My huband was loved by his parents. They didn't criticise him, but encouraged him throughout his childhood. But when he was little his father used to drink and hit his mother sometimes. This didn't continue throughout his whole childhood, but only for a short time earlier on in his childhood.

Your husband tells you this because it's how he's talked himself into seeing it. If you'd been able to be a fly on the wall at times in his childhood you may see that he's remembered selectively, recorded some things and not others, put a gloss on life in order to survive. We all have this to some extent, but the healthier we are the less it happens!

If his father was a violent drunk that has made a huge and lasting impact, no matter how short a period it lasted.
When you are small and helpless, to see your big strong father out of contol in rage, to see you sweet tender mother assaulted, it's an event of seismic proportions, and that kind of trauma doesn't generally just vanish without being addressed.

It appeared to the child that his father stopped drinking, never again struck his mother, and maybe this was true, or maybe it was less frequent, or better hidden, but whichever it is those tapes still exist in that child's heart unless they are dealt with. The fear remained throughout his childhood and impacted how he related to people - fear that he made people angry, (because children feel responsible for much of the stuff going on around them that is really not anything to do with them).

So your husband, to survive, learned to appease, fit in, tow the line, agree with everyone, make sure everyone was happy with him and nobody got drunk or angry or hurt ever again... do you see this is how a child might react? Does it maybe fit with his behaviour today?

And the relationship between his parents may have been restored and truly wonderful at some time after that, but that didn't happen overnight - where a woman has been afraid of her husband, there isn't just a sudden rosy picture when he says he's sorry and manages to not repeat the act. Something got broken there, and a child was harmed.

Also, children in difficult situations learn to defend their parents rather than face the terrifying reality that there is nowhere safe for them to turn.
Your husband chose to see his parents as wonderfully loving and affirming, but even with the little you speak of here, we know that this was a troubled relationship. Fear, drunkuness, violence, even a little bit for a short time, is toxic, and it will have affected him.

To be honest, this fault in my husband has had a major lasting effect on my marriage.

Yes, I can see that. I hope that seeing there is a reason for his behaviour might give you more tools to help you to cope, although of course it's unbearably hard for you.
It might just make it easier for you if you see him as wounded rather than just uncaring, but I understand this hurts, and it's not your fault in any way that this is emotional mess has been perpetuated by him in your marriage. You need and desire your man to uphold and defend you and tell his family, tell the world in fact, that you are his treasure.


It may be impossible to get him to counselling, at least for now, but you could benefit from talking this through with someone who knows how human beings tick, and exploring ways to improve things a little.

Some pastors are up for that, most are probably not, or even if they're willing they don't know what they're doing. :o
I suggest looking for a cognitive therapist who is also a Spirit filled Christian.
(Rare as hen's teeth around here but I finally got started with one for stuff I'm dealing with and heartily recommend this as a safe route. )

 

[Jesus Is Real]

Hi TLB,

My huband was loved by his parents. They didn't criticise him, but encouraged him throughout his childhood. But when he was little his father used to drink and hit his mother sometimes. This didn't continue throughout his whole childhood, but only for a short time earlier on in his childhood.

To be honest, this fault in my husband has had a major lasting effect on my marriage.

Kathie,

To make this conversation more aright with God and His Way, I'll ask you, is your husband a Born-Again Christian - loving the Lord with all his heart and alive by God's Holy Spirit? How is your own walk with the Lord Jesus?

 

[surfingangel]

He may be a jellyfish, but, God didn’t make him to be one.

Ask God to give you a picture of who He wants your husband to be.

If he tells you a “Lion”

Then you start calling him a lion


John O.

Amen, great post!