Will my husband's assault charge affect my job?

[chrisdrama99]

Need some advice ladies. I have drama in my head and I need some objective perspective.

My husband and I had issues about a year ago. He was charged with assault for hurting me during an argument. It was kind of an accident but it was still his fault. I pressed for charges and they were eventually dismissed. He went to therapy and we are reconciled. In fact I am 3 months pregnant. We are doing much better. However none of my friends or family like him much anymore. They warned me about going back. I have dealt with that but here's a bigger problem.

My bosses found out. One of them told me they were sorry that happened to me and they assumed that we divorced. I never mentioned my personal life since.

Next week I have a big work Conference. My husband has insisted on coming along. He is very upset that people may think we are not together.

I am concerned about what my bosses might think and I'm also worried about my husband attending dinners with them.

Am I overthinking this? My DH says that if they can't accept him than I don't need to work for them. But I am worried about my job. I need to keep my income in case we don't stay on the same path.

 

[DZoolander]

I'm going to answer it like a guy.

Them not liking him is a direct consequence of his actions. People that care about you will not like someone that hurts you. That's the simple fact of the matter, and a year isn't that long. Most people are going to think you're making a mistake by staying with him. Most people aren't going to want to be around him, and being around him will make them uncomfortable.

He, and you, ought not expect others to immediately go "ohhhh, she's forgiven him, so I'm cool with it too. If she's okay with it, then things must be okay, because she knows best." The world is full of weak people who have stayed with abusive partners out of the fear of being alone or whatever. In their eyes, there's a very good chance you're one of those, potentially opening yourself up for future abuse. Of course they're not going to be cool with him.

What he ought do is take his medicine. Time is what heals wounds. Being a devoted husband for a prolonged period of time, void of any drama, is what will prove to people that he has changed and that you made the right decision. Until then, he ought keep his head low and understand WHY people won't be cool with him around.

...and not put you or them into that position.

 

[Hank77]

Need some advice ladies. I have drama in my head and I need some objective perspective.

My husband and I had issues about a year ago. He was charged with assault for hurting me during an argument. It was kind of an accident but it was still his fault. I pressed for charges and they were eventually dismissed. He went to therapy and we are reconciled. In fact I am 3 months pregnant. We are doing much better. However none of my friends or family like him much anymore. They warned me about going back. I have dealt with that but here's a bigger problem.

My bosses found out. One of them told me they were sorry that happened to me and they assumed that we divorced. I never mentioned my personal life since.

Next week I have a big work Conference. My husband has insisted on coming along. He is very upset that people may think we are not together.

I am concerned about what my bosses might think and I'm also worried about my husband attending dinners with them.

Am I overthinking this? My DH says that if they can't accept him than I don't need to work for them. But I am worried about my job. I need to keep my income in case we don't stay on the same path.

When you say work conference are you talking about something out of town where you will be gone overnight?

 

[Paidiske]

Is it normal for partners to come to such a conference in your employment context? (It would not be the same everywhere, and that would colour my answer).

 

[Honesty-SJ]

I saw this post last night but just read it and then shared some thoughts with my husband. He's well equipped in psychology of both men and women. His response to your husband wanting to attend your conference was, "I know what he is thinking as a man and that is; he needs to take charge, make it known he is the leader of his household and he needs to know that you honor him publicly. By doing that and knowing 100% that his wife respects him, he will attend the conference whether people "like" him or not and that is because you said [One of them told me they were sorry that happened to me and they assumed that we divorced]. They "assumed" meaning what your husband is gathering from that is you didn't deny it. He will plant his foot and he will make his presence known so anything you might want to tell him should be said now. I agree with what my husband had to say about this. It is the only rational explanation for him wanting to attend, especially if he has never cared to before. Also, it would be good to remember that you're the one who had him charged so it might help him if you could just be understanding about him wanting to prove his authority.


The other thing I'd like to address is,
"But I am worried about my job. I need to keep my income in case we don't stay on the same path"

This is a shame. Divorce rates are so high but when it also perverts the Christian community, that is a huge problem. We are not following the commands our Father in Heaven gave us. I wish, just once, I could read something other than this negativity on this forum, especially from wives. I myself am one, was married at 19 and I value my marriage more than anything on this earth, regardless of fights or any other petty things that might come our way. I, myself, come from a broken home. (I swore up and down from the time I was old enough to consider having a husband that I would never divorce and I'll go to death with that.) My home wasn't built on a solid foundation. My parents were not Christians. My dad had taken us to church when I was younger but when they lost their 2nd son, 4th child when he was only 4 months old, it drew them out of church, away from God and each other, which lead to separation when I was only 9 and finally divorce when I was 19.

That is the kind of nonsense we are willing to give up our earthly love for when God NEVER abandoned His church. They beat Him, spat on Him, made Him carry His own cross, nailed Him there, watched Him die, mocking Him and finally stuck Him in the side with a sharp object to make sure His flesh was no more. Please, tell me, what was His response?.. Oh yes, (Luke 23:34) Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”[fn] And they divided up his clothes by casting lots. FORGIVE them. US. His church, His bride. We put Him there and yet He provides for us every day we even have an ounce of breath in us.

We only have countless bible verses that tell us that divorce is not biblical. It is almost laughable to be saying, but (1 Corinthians 7:11) To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband.
See how Paul states, not he but the Lord? That is because man does not have the right to permit things that are against God's will. (Mark 10:9) Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
People these days are soft, ignorant and full of deceit. It's unbelievable that this could even be considered in the heart of someone who is a Christian. Our "happiness" is a lie made to convince the selfish to go about doing what they want, forgetting that they have responsibilities and duties. They tell you to seek what pleases you, look out for "numero uno", that it's okay because you will be forgiven.. So on and so forth.

Is this what you will allow to determine the future of your marriage? A job? If I were you, I would be ever so thankful for that child your husband gave you. That was his and God's will. I would shed any thoughts of holding onto a job because why does that matter so much to women these days? It's very bizarre. We don't think about being homemakers and mom's anymore. My husband breaks it down to "Modern day feminism" Eww.. nails on a chalkboard. I absolutely hate the word but it is true. Even times when I've noticed myself acting a bit foolish and not complying with my husband's will, I have to stop myself and cry or something because otherwise, I will not be able to hold onto that gentle, weak and needy woman he holds so dear.

So, my advice to you, love your husband, pray without ceasing, especially for healing in your marriage. Above all, don't turn your back on God.
It was within His providence that your husband and you were brought together. It's not just some crazy coincidence that he is the man you are married to so why can you shrug your shoulders at the idea of it being no more?

God.
Spouse.
Children.

That is the proper hierarchy.
(1 Corinthians 11:3) But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.

 

[chrisdrama99]

The problem is everyday he tells me that he and I are done. He threatens our relationship constantly. I cry. I beg him to stop. He says it's just the price I have to pay for my actions. And he says when I cry. I am manipulating.

Tonight he told me I was a horrible partner because he spent 30 dollars s month on a new phone for me. And didn't tell me. He said it was my new business expense. When I told him nicely that I would like for him to tell me these things before he freaked out and says I am ungrateful and we are done.

So I cling to my job because daily he threatens to leave me and I am worried I won't be able to survive.

 

[Paidiske]

You say in your OP that you are "doing much better" but what you've just described doesn't sound healthy. It sounds abusive.

I strongly recommend a return to therapy for both of you.

 

[Stillicidia]

As a wife one is not to submit to abuse. I would not consider what you said to be proper abuse. If he offers love, take it. You submit to his love, not his abuse.

Hate not the good, you should have him tag along those meetings in your workplace if he's even allowed there.

 

[ValleyGal]

Yes, the charge could affect your job, but so could bringing him to the conference. After all, you hear horror stories of abusive partners stalking their spouse at work, and even making threats at work, and yes, even attacking them at work. Your employer does not want your personal home problems to visit his professional establishment.

Your husband is abusive. Call his bluff. Next time he says you're through, pack your things and leave (or pack his things and tell him to leave). Imo, both of you have a whole lot of work to do before you should even be under the same roof - he needs to learn how to have respect in his relationships and to manage his temper in a healthier way. You need to learn how to respect yourself and set appropriate boundaries pertaining to how you let people treat you.

God can change both your heart and his, but this will likely take years of therapy and intentional learning/retraining how you think and behave. In the meantime, do not allow him to attend the conference unless other employee's spouses are going to be there. Why would he go? I mean, is he going just to make sure your co-workers will like him? To make sure you don't cheat on him? To control what you do when you are not in the conference? What's the real reason? Why does he care so much that your colleagues might not think you are together?

 

[DZoolander]

Just out of curiosity, how old are you two?

 

[DZoolander]

And I agree with the other posters. From what you're describing, that doesn't sound "all better".

Telling you that "your coworkers ought to respect him else you need not be working there" is IMHO nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt to get you to lose your job, thereby making you even more dependent and able to be controlled/subject to that crap.

Sorry, but things ain't looking good.

 

[DZoolander]

It was within His providence that your husband and you were brought together. It's not just some crazy coincidence that he is the man you are married to so why can you shrug your shoulders at the idea of it being no more?

I disagree. Who and how we end up with people is our own doing, 100%.

 

[chrisdrama99]

I can't tell him he isn't going -- he already bought the ticket. And honestly, I believe that he will leave me if I do that OR he will make my life a living hell while I'm there, accusing me of flirting with people or having a good time with my bosses. In addition, He will tell me HE is going OUT with his friend who is consistency in the club scene. He knows how to get to me and make me feel vulnerable. So, I'm not quite sure what to do.

Taking him to this conference is going to be more than him just being seen there. He's going be with me every moment - every step of the way. He also told me that if my bosses say anything in the least bit disrespectful about him or what happened that he will "let them have it" and he's not going to be bullied by them -- he said they are "pieces of [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]" and I should worry more about protecting my husband than what they think.

BUT -- the thing no one is understanding here is that he's starting his OWN BUSINESS and will be solely depending on MY INCOME for our future. He says it will probably take 3-5 years before he's profitable.... SO, this job is extremely important. I can not lose it. I have asked to reduce hours and travel/pressure. He said NO. I can't and I can't even consider that for the next 3-5 years.

And he told me that he is going to be busy with building his business so he has no idea what I'm going to do when the baby comes. I said we will have to hire a sitter a couple of days a week. He said we can't afford that. I said well if you want me to support us -- that's the ONLY choice!

He said he's not going to be Mr. Mom and I need to get a clear picture that he's not going to be watching the baby while I'm "out in the world ...working or socializing at work."

 

[DZoolander]

Sounds like you've got a real winner there.

 

[chrisdrama99]

i have called his bluff before. I have left. I have packed and gone and he begged me back -- several times. This was before the assault charge that was dismissed.

Since I came back after this being dismissed -- I haven't left. But, he says I have given him PtSD. He literally fought/yelled at me for 9 hours yesterday. I came out of the store and he immediately started in on me and told me he was sick of my indecision. He wants to know where we are going to live -- since I am going to be supporting us. We have to sell the house and he has postponed that because he doesn't truly want to move and sell. I have told him he knows his business best and I support us no matter what. He said that it's clear I need to move closer to my family (about 2 hours away) and that while I SAY that I will support us living away from them my "passive aggressing bit*hing" is killing him. I said what do you mean? He said that I will say things like "i miss my family..." Or "I missed this family event this weekend..." He said that's "harassment"!!!!

I said who cares -- I am going to say I "miss things" that doesn't mean that I have live there -- he said that's not the case and he can't deal with my insanity anymore. Again, he yelled at me for 9 hours. I tried to go for a walk -- he told me that was a fatal decision because he may not be there when I got back.

When I got back of course he was there. AND I said let's go get something to eat. In the restaurant he started yelling at me. I said can't we focus on something good??? He said there's nothing good. Life is horrible right now and my request to talk about or focus on something good ... is more proof I have zero touch with reality.

Yes, the charge could affect your job, but so could bringing him to the conference. After all, you hear horror stories of abusive partners stalking their spouse at work, and even making threats at work, and yes, even attacking them at work. Your employer does not want your personal home problems to visit his professional establishment.

Your husband is abusive. Call his bluff. Next time he says you're through, pack your things and leave (or pack his things and tell him to leave). Imo, both of you have a whole lot of work to do before you should even be under the same roof - he needs to learn how to have respect in his relationships and to manage his temper in a healthier way. You need to learn how to respect yourself and set appropriate boundaries pertaining to how you let people treat you.

God can change both your heart and his, but this will likely take years of therapy and intentional learning/retraining how you think and behave. In the meantime, do not allow him to attend the conference unless other employee's spouses are going to be there. Why would he go? I mean, is he going just to make sure your co-workers will like him? To make sure you don't cheat on him? To control what you do when you are not in the conference? What's the real reason? Why does he care so much that your colleagues might not think you are together?

 

[DZoolander]

Tell him he's not going. Tell him that he's not going to jeopardize the one thing that's actually keeping you afloat by "letting them have it". Tell him that he'd better get ahold of himself, because you're the one actually floating the boat in that tragedy of a life you've got going on there. Tell him that he'd better get a grip on himself and not continue making threats like that. Tell him that if he doesn't like it and can't start behaving like an adult he can pack his crap and go.

 

[DZoolander]

and this time you won't be reconciling.

 

[DZoolander]

So, "choose wisely."

 

[chrisdrama99]

I am scared. I will be honest with you. If I told him any of that -- and actually go on this work trip without him. I will not hold up. He will leave me -- and the idea that he's out with his friends and telling me about it in a way that leads me to worry about his being with other women -- will leave me totally emotional.

Tell him he's not going. Tell him that he's not going to jeopardize the one thing that's actually keeping you afloat by "letting them have it". Tell him that he'd better get ahold of himself, because you're the one actually floating the boat in that tragedy of a life you've got going on there. Tell him that he'd better get a grip on himself and not continue making threats like that. Tell him that if he doesn't like it and behave like an adult he can pack his crap and go.

 

[DZoolander]

If you're no longer with him, who cares what he does? That's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about being done with him.