Wife's ex-husband not providing his 50% of support

[CTGuy]

Hi Everyone and thank you for your time and help. I'm a Christian and need some fellow Christian guidance. My wife and ex-husband had agreed on a 50/50 split of their 3 kids when they divorced 8 years ago.

My wife’s ex-husband makes about $10,000 more than my wife. I pay for her three kids medical insurance. My wife is the first to put money towards activities and it takes months for her ex-husband to pay her back. I do what I can to fill the gap but since I pay a lot of money to my ex-wife, I’m unable to take on everything. The situation is that we go back and forth and it’s based on my wife’s mood at the time whether we should take her ex-husband back to court and get child support since he makes more money, my wife ends up spending more on the kids, has to upfront a lot of money and takes months to pay back, and we (myself) pays for the kids medical insurance. I know the bible/Jesus says in the book of Matthew “And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.” So maybe it’s best we just deal with it and not take him to court..but on the other hand shouldn’t we stand up and what are we teaching the kids about owning up responsibility? In addition, the ex-husband gets away with all this and the stress over money spills into my relationship with my wife ….for example our date nights often are replaced spending time on this issue and precious time together is focused on this subject instead. One other note is that she is divorced for 8 years and her name is on a house in which her ex was supposed to keep up and is now in foreclosure which as ruined her credit for years. There’s more..so the big question here is should we not take her ex-husband to court and just try harder to find ways to deal with it…or take him to court not for any type of revenge but simply be able to provided what he supposed as the father – his half. What are your thoughts? Thank you!

 

[David4223]

MOD HAT ON

This thread is being moved from the lounge to Christian Advice as it fits more closely with that forum.

MOD HAT OFF​

 

[Goodbook]

You reap what you sow...i take it the exes are not christians? If they not it wont be easy to talk with them and discuss.

Take it to the Lord and ask Him to provide. When christians go to court it does not do anyone favours and gives the Lord a bad name. Although sometimes it is necessary.

 

[Cernunnos]

I am in a similar boat. So, advice I will give is from a Christian perspective as a man with three stepsons & a near deadbeat wife's ex:

Man, you can't get blood out of a turnip. Our deadbeat is over $45K USD behind in child support, occasionally . . .a few months out of the year he gives some money to support his children. When I say some money I mean less than a quarter of one month's obligation. He spends a couple hours with them one day a week, usually arrives late and leaves early, though we have an open door to him & he could spend as much time with them as he wanted. I call his children "my boys" and they have me in their cellphones as "dad" because I actually live the role. I haven't tried to displace him, but his actions have had that result. Oh yes & the foreclosure. . . he kept the house he was supposed to sell & rented it out to the woman he had cheated on my wife with (when they were married) and that ended with her skipping rent payments and eventually moving out with no forwarding . . so foreclosure. Really, I relate to your story.

Should we take our deadbeats to court? It crosses my mind from time to time. In the end, it always come down to "do I want the State involved in our affairs?" and "what would change if we went to court?" For us, we'd rather pay our taxes and have our involvement with the State end there. If the courts enforced child support, I don't honestly believe he'd pay. He'd have his driver's license revoked (because that is one of the sanctions for failing to pay here) and that would cost him his job. .. he still wouldn't pay. . . he'd end up in jail (the next sanction or a consequence of driving on a revoked license) and still wouldn't be paying. It just wouldn't yield the intended result. It isn't right, but the wrong is on him. .. it is his sin and shame to live with & not my job to "bring him to justice". Meanwhile, while I don't involve the State & continue to support his kids, I have the ability to speak Jesus into his life. . . the opportunity to witness quietly . . . I am not pushing Jesus tracts at him, but I know he sees his ex-wife and children happier than they ever had been, healthier, thriving, asking to go to church. When he comes over, he comes into a God fearing Christian home & our hand and door is always open to him. Maybe one day he will decide this life is something he wants more than drinking away money he should be supporting his kids with while he lives with his addict/girlfriend. Our ability to speak Grace through Christ into his life, goes away the moment we file enforcement papers.

Hope this helps

 

[Autumnleaf]

The guy is probably trying to move on after a painful divorce. Many men avoid such things until they have to address them. Its not right but it seems to be that way.

 

[BFine]

When the judge ruled on your wife's divorce and
said that her ex is to pay child support etc, if he's
not doing that, then your wife should hold her ex
accountable.

Your wife has to decide whether or not to pursue
legal means of getting the child support and whatever
else her ex is suppose to pay.

Why would one not pursue legal means of getting
child support from the ex?
Legal means were pursued already...that's how
divorce happens...there's an ex.

Matters concerning what's happened inside the
church should be handled inside the church.

The court can be used in matters outside of church...
The children's father isn't paying court ordered child,
then this matter needs to be addressed by the children's
mother (to the court.)

I'd think a parent would be deeply ashamed not to provide
for his/her own child/children.
How does one lay down at night and sleep knowing their flesh and blood isn't getting what he or she needs from both parents?
Children should be loved/nurtured/protected/and even provided for financially etc.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

this is really about the difference between the Source and channels to the Source. God is the only Source, and the people we get money from are channels (people we work for, people who decide on what tax breaks are available to us, people who set prices for things we consume, people who 'mange' 'investments' for us, people who owe us money according to man's laws, etc.). channels are potentially unreliable in every case because people are potentially unreliable in every case - but the Source is absolutely reliable - so the challenge is to depend on the Source (God) and be open to changes to channels to that Source, without developing dependence on specific channels. if the ex passed away, the channel would obviously be gone; what would you do in that case?

but available wealth depends as much on level of consumption as it does on level of supply. my Daddy had a saying that has served me well in my life when i kept it in mind: he would say that if i can't eat something, and it doesn't help keep me warm and dry, then it is a want and not a need. look closely at what you spend your money on with this in mind - especially your recurring expenses. for example, a car is a need for most people because it is the only method of getting to work, and pay is what feeds and keeps most people warm and dry; but a toyota corolla will take you to and from work as effectively as a corvette. a prepaid cellphone is just as effective to make an emergency call with when your car breaks down as the latest iphone with an unlimited data plan.

God is really, really smart; and He can see ahead of time what channels will be dependable at what times, and what times a channel will not be dependable - the more effectively you can perceive His leading on what channels become available and what channels become unreliable, the more consistent you will be in connecting to the Source - but you must also regularly look at what you spend money on so that want doesn't become confused with need.

 

[John 1:1 GodCZU]

This is why the scriptures warn against divorce. And then if the next marriage results in children and then divorce, and the next, and the next?

http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/css
Child Support Enforcement in the U.S.

Woe to the shepherd that deserts his flock. Take him to court. He brought the children into the world as an equal partner with the mother. He should be held accountable at all times. If you let him get away with paying when he wants he shall continue to do what he wants. He has no respect for his ex-wife or his children. Court can't change that. But they can take his money that he's owing. Show him that you'll not be taken advantage of. He could think he can get away with this slacking off because Christians Bible tells them not to sue.
Prove him wrong in court.

 

[Mister_Al]

I think you should be thankful for whatever it is you're getting as child support and just deal with it. Blessed are the merciful for they will receive mercy.

Alan

 

[John 1:1 GodCZU]

1 Timothy 5:8

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I'd say if he doesn't want to provide the money then theres not much you can do. Some men would rather go to prison the provide child support. Best thing to do is just pray and rely on God for provisions.