Wife eats lunch daily with male co-worker

[AureliaSoleil]

I agree that if he continues to feel this way, she needs to honor his feelings. However, as his question asked if this is a thing ok for a Christian woman to do, I stand by what I said earlier.

I agree that there need to be boundaries of some sort - and a husband or wife's opinion is important for that - but my personal opinion of whether it is ok for a Christian woman to do (and incidentally my husband's) is that it is not inherently a bad thing.

We will have to agree to disagree on this. I understand that in your marriage, your spouse is okay with you having opposite sex friendships. You haven't had any issues with infidelity or problems maintaining boundaries. However, if you're going to ask whether this is something in general that a Christian wife to do, shouldn't you take into account what the general recommendation is (from therapists, ministers etc.) rather than just from your own personal experience? From the sources I've read so far, having close and intimate friendships with those of the opposite sex is an unwise decision to make. They can be a breeding ground for emotional affairs. While it's not an inherently bad thing to do, it most definitely is an unwise decision to make especially when one's spouse has already objected to the relationship.

Here are some articles from Christian sources:
Today's Christian Woman
Foundation Restoration
Focus on the Family
Marriage Builders

In Scientific American, they reviewed a study where the findings Here is a quote, "Although women seem to be genuine in their belief that opposite-sex friendships are platonic, men seem unable to turn off their desire for something more."

 

[rivulet]

As a female, I have a really difficult time making friends with females. I don't know why. But I have a lot of close guy friends (even some I'd consider best friends). However, I would NEVER go out to lunch with a male friend or coworker without another party present.

I'm not saying that lunch would lead to infidelity but I'd never want to disrespect my husband like that!

 

[tenderheart1]

I feel it comes down to boundaries and how much you trust your wife to uphold the agreed upon boundaries in any situation. In my opinion, it's never ok to speak to the opposite sex about marital issues. It's never ok to discuss sexuality or display sensuality in any form. You should speak with your wife about what you feel the boundaries should be. I agree that when there are male/female friendships, it opens the door for satan to have a foothold and cause havoc. Your wife must keep everything in check. Personally, I would not feel comfortable, as a married woman, having lunch and exercising with any man besides my husband.

 

[Tinkerbells]

It is whatever you two have agreed upon. If you are not comfortable with it and desire her to stop, she should.

Prior to getting married, my husband and I had an incredibly candid discussion about close relationships with the opposite sex (who are not of our family). We both determined that while occasionally, nothing may never happen, you are still putting the relationship at risk. Given what the bible says about adultery. Given what happens to many marriages (infidelity-either in the heart or physically). Given what the bible says about us being tempted….it was a no brainer for us to create some rules:

1) No one on one meals/get togethers/events/etc. with the opposite sex. Unless it’s something we discuss in detail and him or myself know the other person and are entirely comfortable with it.

2) No in depth talks with anyone of the opposite sex. No talks about deep feelings or turning your emotions over to them. Etc. That is for your spouse only. My deep emotional feelings do not belong to another man and I certainly should never discuss my marital issues with someone of the opposite sex. Catching up from time to time is perfectly OK, even discussing things in detail. I’m talking leaning on someone of the opposite sex for emotions support on more than one occasion. I don’t believe that is right.

3) No daily text, talk, etc. with the opposite sex. Again, entirely inappropriate.

This includes work.

My husband is a police officer. He is gone nearly 11 hours a day and has committed to not being in the patrol car with another female cop. He has never gotten in trouble for requesting this and it has made our relationship stronger. Too many marriages end because of affairs and it is often a friend or a coworker with which the affair occurs.

If people are too blind and too prideful (my assumption-I apologize if this is harsh) to realize this so as to put their marriage at risk, then I am sorry.

I have heard too many people say: “I never thought anything would ever happen between her/him and I”
“I never thought I would ever cheat.”

and these people MEANT it…but the affair still happened. Why? They let their guard down and did not take precautions.

I myself have been in that situation with one of my male friends, prior to getting married and I can assure you that I did not think it would happen. I still regret what I did with him to this day (We no longer talk).

Recently my husband and watched a sermon on lust and the pastor said: “It’s not if lust will occur, it is when.”

The problem with too many married Christians and non Christians alike is they think they are strong enough to ward off Satan. They think Satan could never tempt them enough. Wrong. This is exactly what Satan wants you to think to get you to let your guard down.

Don’t fall for what Satan wants you to believe: that you or your wife are invincible to infidelity. Or any sin for that matter.

Continue to keep your guard up. I agree your wife should as well by no longer engaging in one on one lunches and/or walks with a male coworker.

 

[kmrichard7]

My husband and I agree this is not behavior we wish to partake in for that very reason. We don't want doors opened to possible feelings for someone else. All Dorr closed tightly once we got married. Every couple is different though. If she doesn't understand why you feel this way maybe the two of you should meet with a pastor/church elder and see if you can come to an agreement about appropriate behavior

 

[PixieSunbelle]

If i put such boundaries on my husband then we wouldn't have a relationship any longer. There needs to be an actual threat to our relationship for us to demand such things. When a woman is inappropriate to him he stops hanging out with her. It's that simple. In college i had male friends and I still do. We aren't interested in each other. One thinks of me as a second sister. We all talk about games and the internet. Maybe you're wife just gets a long better with guys than girls. My best friend has always had more guy friends than girl friends. Her now husband who isna previous ex once told her she couldn't have guy friends. They didn't last long at that time. Eventually they got back together after she got through other relationships. I wouldn't want someone to tell me i couldn't hang out with a particular gender. Now, if there is a concern with a certain person's behavior I'd like that voiced. Like if there are inappropriate texts being sent to a spouse or is touching the person. When my husband and I were still dating he would talk in the car with friends. One girl decided that she could just give him a hand job. He was done with her after that. He was like whoa we're just talking! I agreed with him that he should stop hanging around her because she obviously cannot be trusted. It wasn't even a secret he had a girlfriend either.

 

[faroukfarouk]

If i put such boundaries on my husband then we wouldn't have a relationship any longer. There needs to be an actual threat to our relationship for us to demand such things. When a woman is inappropriate to him he stops hanging out with her. It's that simple. In college i had male friends and I still do. We aren't interested in each other. One thinks of me as a second sister. We all talk about games and the internet. Maybe you're wife just gets a long better with guys than girls. My best friend has always had more guy friends than girl friends. Her now husband who isna previous ex once told her she couldn't have guy friends. They didn't last long at that time. Eventually they got back together after she got through other relationships. I wouldn't want someone to tell me i couldn't hang out with a particular gender. Now, if there is a concern with a certain person's behavior I'd like that voiced. Like if there are inappropriate texts being sent to a spouse or is touching the person. When my husband and I were still dating he would talk in the car with friends. One girl decided that she could just give him a hand job. He was done with her after that. He was like whoa we're just talking! I agreed with him that he should stop hanging around her because she obviously cannot be trusted. It wasn't even a secret he had a girlfriend either.

Hi there; it's good you have mutual confidence; my wife and I seem to have a lot of it also, by God's grace. It's sad when there is what may seem a raging jealously and suspicion among couples, which is not the Christian way.

 

[LinkH]

There are plenty of people who, if they feel a relationship is inappropriate, will pull back. But other people have a blind spot in that area, or a weakness. It's reasonable to expect your spouse not to spend time alone with a non-related member of the opposite sex eating lunch every day. That's obviously a potential source for either temptation, or else gossip that can cause trouble for the parties involved. Some people think, "I don't care what other people think" but it is important. It can effect your witness and how people respect you in your job. The latter can effect your ability to be promoted or if you stick around during layoffs or downsizing.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

My husband and I both have opposite sex friends. Leah and Lori are no more a threat to me than Jeff and Dave are to Mike. We're both capable of self-control, and we both know who we're going home to.

 

[Navari]

deleted

 

[faroukfarouk]

I'm with LovebirdsFlying with this one. Every couple is different, and at the end of the day every couple will set their own boundaries. I can only speak for my husband and I. I have girl friends and guy friends, I still talk to 2 of my ex's. My husband knows all of my friends and is usually friends with them too. I am just more social than he is, so I keep in touch with everyone, our male and female friends. We do a lot of online gaming. A lot of the people we game with are men. He works on a team that is is half women. I trust him, he trusts me. We have never given each other a reason not to. Transparency seems to be the key for us. The only time he has ever said anything, was when my ex was talking about moving to our town. All he said was, "They know your not available right?" I responded, "Of course!" He never mentioned it again. Trust and reassurance when needed.

I do agree with some of the points the ladies have made here though. I don't vent to my male friends. I don't talk to them about my husband. If they say anything that is even remotely inappropriate I shut it down. My husband has seen and heard me do all of these things. It makes a difference. I don't go to dinner with male friends. We could meet for lunch or coffee, but I wouldn't go to dinner. These are boundaries I have set for myself to respect my husband, and I require others to respect our relationship as well.

This also seems to be a generational thing. My parents generation didn't have friends across genders. My husband and I, and most of the couples we am friends with do have friends of both sexes. I have only had to set a boundary with one of his female friends one time. She was texting him at 3am, I told her if she felt the need to text that late she needed to CC me on the messages. It wasn't don't be friends with him, it was be friends with US. And that was between her and I.

Being paranoid and super jealous of friends is not necessary. My wife knows loads of ppl from before our marriage and the same comment applies to me.

 

[bluegreysky]

My husband has classes with girls and sometimes gets paired into group projects with them. last year, one of them started crying and dishing to him about her problem boyfriend so he gave her advice and she listened to him and broke up with the guy for a better guy.
I'll admit it did make me uncomfortable though that he was in these school settings long enough to have these kind of conversations but I just had to trust that it wouldn't lead to a misunderstanding.
Then I had a male coworker for about 9 months but I hated working with him he was such a butt. However, my husband and I coming home at the end of the day and dishing about the problems we had at work/school with the opposite sex was actually a hilarious thing to bond over.

 

[faroukfarouk]

I'm with LovebirdsFlying with this one. Every couple is different, and at the end of the day every couple will set their own boundaries. I can only speak for my husband and I. I have girl friends and guy friends, I still talk to 2 of my ex's. My husband knows all of my friends and is usually friends with them too. I am just more social than he is, so I keep in touch with everyone, our male and female friends. We do a lot of online gaming. A lot of the people we game with are men. He works on a team that is is half women. I trust him, he trusts me. We have never given each other a reason not to. Transparency seems to be the key for us. The only time he has ever said anything, was when my ex was talking about moving to our town. All he said was, "They know your not available right?" I responded, "Of course!" He never mentioned it again. Trust and reassurance when needed.

I do agree with some of the points the ladies have made here though. I don't vent to my male friends. I don't talk to them about my husband. If they say anything that is even remotely inappropriate I shut it down. My husband has seen and heard me do all of these things. It makes a difference. I don't go to dinner with male friends. We could meet for lunch or coffee, but I wouldn't go to dinner. These are boundaries I have set for myself to respect my husband, and I require others to respect our relationship as well.

This also seems to be a generational thing. My parents generation didn't have friends across genders. My husband and I, and most of the couples we am friends with do have friends of both sexes. I have only had to set a boundary with one of his female friends one time. She was texting him at 3am, I told her if she felt the need to text that late she needed to CC me on the messages. It wasn't don't be friends with him, it was be friends with US. And that was between her and I.

Navari: Another thing I guess is that if coworkers smoke, they are bound to end up in the smoking area together; it's kind of inevitable. I've quit; and it's best to quit, of course; but I don't think spouses should be paranoid about the 'other half' being around other coworkers in naturally occurring circumstances (if this makes sense?)
Blessings.

 

[heatedmonk]

My wife eats lunch at work daily with a male co-worker and sometimes 2 of them and she proceeds to go for 30 minutes walks around the work property after lunch. I have expressed my concerns with this because , I believe it leaves hers susceptible to growing close to these gentleman and it concerns me due to what it might lead to. Is this what A Christian woman ought to be participating in?

It boils down to one question. Do you trust your wife?

 

[faroukfarouk]

My wife eats lunch at work daily with a male co-worker and sometimes 2 of them and she proceeds to go for 30 minutes walks around the work property after lunch. I have expressed my concerns with this because , I believe it leaves hers susceptible to growing close to these gentleman and it concerns me due to what it might lead to. Is this what A Christian woman ought to be participating in?

I guess a lot depends on the shape and size of the lunch room! like, sometimes it's unavoidable! Also, if she were in the military, she would be in close proximity with a lot of folk, I guess.

 

[KwanLove]

I don't see my male friends as any different from my female friends, and I don't see my husband's female friends as being any different from his male friends. Regardless of gender, there's no chance of either of us will fall into sin because we love each other deeply. If one of us feels temptation to commit adultery, it means there is something else wrong in our marriage. In addition, we completely trust one another to tell each other if one of our friends has been inappropriate or made us feel like they are trying to tempt us.

 

[Dave-W]

I don't see my male friends as any different from my female friends, and I don't see my husband's female friends as being any different from his male friends. Regardless of gender, there's no chance of either of us will fall into sin because we love each other deeply. If one of us feels temptation to commit adultery, it means there is something else wrong in our marriage. In addition, we completely trust one another to tell each other if one of our friends has been inappropriate or made us feel like they are trying to tempt us.

I would submit that this is a bit nieve. Human nature is fallen and the devil finds ways of tempting us in areas we may not even be aware of. When you think "there's no chance of either of us will fall into sin;" look out because that will be taken by the devil as a challenge.

 

[counJS]

My wife eats lunch at work daily with a male co-worker and sometimes 2 of them and she proceeds to go for 30 minutes walks around the work property after lunch. I have expressed my concerns with this because , I believe it leaves hers susceptible to growing close to these gentleman and it concerns me due to what it might lead to. Is this what A Christian woman ought to be participating in?

I think you should trust her and let this go. Good for her that she is getting some exercise walking