Wife eats lunch daily with male co-worker

[RicK P]

My wife eats lunch at work daily with a male co-worker and sometimes 2 of them and she proceeds to go for 30 minutes walks around the work property after lunch. I have expressed my concerns with this because , I believe it leaves hers susceptible to growing close to these gentleman and it concerns me due to what it might lead to. Is this what A Christian woman ought to be participating in?

 

[All4Christ]

My wife eats lunch at work daily with a male co-worker and sometimes 2 of them and she proceeds to go for 30 minutes walks around the work property after lunch. I have expressed my concerns with this because , I believe it leaves hers susceptible to growing close to these gentleman and it concerns me due to what it might lead to. Is this what A Christian woman ought to be participating in?

I honestly don't see a problem with this as long as it sticks to while they are at work. I have two close guy friends at work and we exercise walk and meet up for lunch up to a couple times a week. My husband knows them both as well, and we go on group dates together. That said, each couple is different. I really don't see it as a problem.

I guess it comes down to trust. Not all friendships with men lead to something 'more'. It is very common to have fully platonic relationships with people of the other sex, though I would avoid dinners out with someone (by ourselves) and try to make sure my husband and I are completely transparent with eachother about our friendships.

 

[Guy Incognito]

I honestly don't see a problem with this as long as it sticks to while they are at work. I have two close guy friends at work and we exercise walk and meet up for lunch up to a couple times a week. My husband knows them both as well, and we go on group dates together. That said, each couple is different. I really don't see it as a problem.

I guess it comes down to trust. Not all friendships with men lead to something 'more'. It is very common to have fully platonic relationships with people of the other sex, though I would avoid dinners out with someone (by ourselves) and try to make sure my husband and I are completely transparent with eachother about our friendships.

This.

 

[AureliaSoleil]

No, it is not appropriate behavior for a married woman -- Christian or not. As the friendship and emotional attachment deepens, the risk of having an emotional affair increases. Being a Christian does not mean you are immune to temptation. Furthermore, if you aren't comfortable with it, that should be reason enough for your wife to stop doing it. Take a quick peek at this article on The Risk of Opposite-Sex Friendships. Here is an excerpt from the article:

To summarize my criterion for off-limits acquaintances of the opposite sex:

1. Any friend of the opposite sex that is not enthusiastically agreed upon by your spouse.
2. Any friend of the opposite sex that had been a former lover.
3. Any friend of the opposite sex that you know might have what it takes to trigger a feeling of romantic love (or may have already triggered that feeling in the past).
4. Any friend of the opposite sex that meets your need for affection, intimate conversation, recreational companionship , honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, or admiration. This is especially important when your friend does a better job meeting your needs than your spouse in any of these areas. In that case you should drop everything you're doing to immediately fix the problem. But even if your spouse does a better job meeting these needs, a friend can make enough Love Bank deposits by meeting these need for you that you may wake up one morning in love with that person. And if that happens your judgment will be severely damaged.
5. Any friend of the opposite sex with whom you have a private, personal, and bilateral relationship. It's private in the sense that conversation is generally one-on-one, and sometimes kept secret because the spouse would be threatened in some way by it if it were done with the spouse present. It's personal in the sense that personal information is revealed, especially problems faced in life, along with a willingness to help if needed. And it's bilateral in the sense that both people share personal information with each other and have proven that they have what it takes to help each other.

 

[All4Christ]

T

No, it is not appropriate behavior for a married woman -- Christian or not. As the friendship and emotional attachment deepens, the risk of having an emotional affair increases. Being a Christian does not mean you are immune to temptation. Furthermore, if you aren't comfortable with it, that should be reason enough for your wife to stop doing it. Take a quick peek at this article on The Risk of Opposite-Sex Friendships. Here is an excerpt from the article:

To summarize my criterion for off-limits acquaintances of the opposite sex:

1. Any friend of the opposite sex that is not enthusiastically agreed upon by your spouse.
2. Any friend of the opposite sex that had been a former lover.
3. Any friend of the opposite sex that you know might have what it takes to trigger a feeling of romantic love (or may have already triggered that feeling in the past).
4. Any friend of the opposite sex that meets your need for affection, intimate conversation, recreational companionship , honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, or admiration. This is especially important when your friend does a better job meeting your needs than your spouse in any of these areas. In that case you should drop everything you're doing to immediately fix the problem. But even if your spouse does a better job meeting these needs, a friend can make enough Love Bank deposits by meeting these need for you that you may wake up one morning in love with that person. And if that happens your judgment will be severely damaged.
5. Any friend of the opposite sex with whom you have a private, personal, and bilateral relationship. It's private in the sense that conversation is generally one-on-one, and sometimes kept secret because the spouse would be threatened in some way by it if it were done with the spouse present. It's personal in the sense that personal information is revealed, especially problems faced in life, along with a willingness to help if needed. And it's bilateral in the sense that both people share personal information with each other and have proven that they have what it takes to help each other.

To assume that all friendships with the opposite sex lead to depositing too much on the "love bank" no matter what, is not accurate in my opinion. Yes, you need to balance and be vigilant with friendships with the opposite sex. You shouldn't be putting more of your faith in a friend than in your spouse, nor should you use your friend of the opposite sex to fulfill needs your spouse is not fulfilling.

However, it is sad to me that the world today has made it necessary for these restrictions...that it has gotten to a point that people don't think that it is possible or likely to have a friendship with a person of he opposite sex that goes nowhere beyond a platonic friend. I respect it when that happens though.

That said, I have the following restrictions self-imposed on myself.
1. I introduce any friend I have (that I spend any amount of time with outside of purely work) to my husband. He is fully aware of all my friendships as I am with his.
2. My guy friends are not the ones I discuss marriage problems with. Nothing they say should discourage me and my marriage, otherwise the friendship stops. Incidentally, this is the same with female friends.
3. If I feel like I have to hide a friendship from my husband or if my friend feels like he has to hide a friendship from his wife, I pull back.
4. If a guy starts to like me on a more than friend level, I pull back.
5. Again, 100% transparency with my husband.
6. I limit my activities with male friends to reasonable friend-like activities. Only times I have dinner with them are with a group of friends or with our spouses. In fact, I coordinate with their wives to set up any dinners outside of work.
7. If I am having trouble with my marriage, my husband comes first, and I work things out with him before putting effort into friendships with other guys.

It seems like there are logical boundaries to put on friendships with the opposite sex. That said, if I am friends with a guy purely platonically for years, then I'm not likely to change that now! It would be sad if I couldn't trust my or my husband's self-control enough to be aware of our opposite sex friendship relationships and to always put each other first.

We do need boundaries, but walking around the building at work and going to lunch is not necessarily a dangerous thing. there isn't anything in the OPs original post saying that she definitely is in the situation of one of the points the article made.

Just my 2 cents! Each couple is different, but it is not a black and white scenario where all friendships with the opposite sex are bad.

 

[Odetta]

I have worked in male dominated industries my whole adult life. To me lunch with male co-workers are just lunch with co-workers. A lot of shop talk happens over lunch. In some cases, it's professional suicide to have such a rigid, negative view of a person's capability to control him/herself.

Although I have to say, when I had dinner with my male boss and a client couple at his club, I'm sure it did look funny. But it was a working dinner. Work with food on the side. Not an affair. And all spouses knew what the dinner was about - winning a million dollar client.

If someone is looking to have an affair, it doesn't matter if they do lunch or not. If it's troubling you that your wife is having lunch with a male co-worker, perhaps the real issue is lack of trust. Do you have reason to suspect that she is untrustworthy?

 

[Matthias Rose]

If I thought that my wife having a male friend was a risk to my marriage, there would be deeper problems than my wife having a male friend!

It seems like there are logical boundaries to put on friendships with the opposite sex. That said, if I am friends with a guy purely platonically for years, then I'm not likely to change that now! It would be sad if I couldn't trust my or my husband's self-control enough to be aware of our opposite sex friendship relationships and to always put each other first.

I would take this further: there are boundaries to any relationship. Any friendship. Any work relationship. Even a marriage will have healthy boundaries.

I like All4Christ's list of personal boundaries because they are based on behavior and feelings -- not appearances.

So to Rick, I would say: if you feel that there is something inappropriate here, pay attention to that intuition. Open a conversation with your wife. Not necessarily about her lunches, but about her feelings.

Remember that you need to win her, every day. You need to fight for her. She needs to know that you love her, desire her, and want her... in your life, as your wife. If you turn this into an accusation, it is likely to backfire. If you focus on appearances, you may actually end up hiding a deeper problem or concern. But if you make this about her knowing how much you love her, and wanting to be sure that you in turn have all her love, the substance and the qualities of her answers to you will make it very clear what her feelings are.

You might share All4Christ's list or something like them with her to see if there are any areas in which she might have concerns. And if she does, then not only would you encourage her (in freedom) to back off from those relationships, but the real burden would be on you to win her back! Your best outcome is that she wants to step back from any way her heart might be drifting because she wants you as much as you want her!

 

[favoritetoyisjoy]

Love God with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength and through your example and encouragement, influence your wife to do the same.

 

[AureliaSoleil]

It seems like there are logical boundaries to put on friendships with the opposite sex. That said, if I am friends with a guy purely platonically for years, then I'm not likely to change that now! It would be sad if I couldn't trust my or my husband's self-control enough to be aware of our opposite sex friendship relationships and to always put each other first.

Depositing into the love bank of the opposite sex is a risk. Will it always end up in the worst case scenario? No, but that is why the boundaries are there in the first place. An appropriate boundary to set in place is to honor your spouses wishes when it comes to the friendship. Rick is uncomfortable. His wife should honor his feelings by restricting her friendship with this coworker if he continues to feel this way.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Why take A CHANCE? Your wife should sacrifice her being with those men so that she can assure you that nothing will happen. That is not a huge sacrifice.

 

[LinkH]

If you have a problem with it, she shouldn't do it. For believers, how things look should be an issue, not the top issue, but our testimony should be a consideration. I'd think it okay for a married woman to eat with a group of people for lunch. But one-on-one, every day, looks bad and could open her up for temptation.

If it were my wife, she'd tell me about it and ask my opinion. She had a business lunch with a man once and cleared it with me. I knew the guy, and I trusted her and him. But I wouldn't want her eating lunch one-on-one with another man every day. She has an intercessory prayer group she Skypes, and there is an older man she'd Skyped about something, but he suggested we all three have a Skype meeting. It is a good idea for a woman to let her husband meet a man she spends a lot of time with. That doesn't affair proof everything, but it is a good thing to do.

I don't spend time hanging out one-on-one with young women who aren't related either.

She may not think it is a big deal, but if it is a big deal to you, then it should be a big deal to her because you are her husband.

 

[All4Christ]

Depositing into the love bank of the opposite sex is a risk. Will it always end up in the worst case scenario? No, but that is why the boundaries are there in the first place. An appropriate boundary to set in place is to honor your spouses wishes when it comes to the friendship. Rick is uncomfortable. His wife should honor his feelings by restricting her friendship with this coworker if he continues to feel this way.

I agree that if he continues to feel this way, she needs to honor his feelings. However, as his question asked if this is a thing ok for a Christian woman to do, I stand by what I said earlier.

I agree that there need to be boundaries of some sort - and a husband or wife's opinion is important for that - but my personal opinion of whether it is ok for a Christian woman to do (and incidentally my husband's) is that it is not inherently a bad thing. It is important to respect and honor each other though, so ultimately, after discussion together, if Rick asks her to stop, she should do so for the sake of the marriage. I don't think it is necessary to ask her to terminate the friendship though.


Perhaps an alternative would be to ask her to mix up her schedule with hanging out with some other people as well?

Also, regarding appearances, I guess different people have different opinions on what 'looks' bad. From my perspective, going to a nice dinner with a guy by myself, or going one on one to dinner on a regular basis for that matter, has the appearance of more. I won't do that even if I know it won't amount to anything, because it wouldn't be something my spouse is comfortable with, or that I feel is appropriate for that matter. Also, it is good to mix up the people a person spends time with.

It is a balance. Each couple works it out themselves and we need to honor each other and foster trust between each other.

 

[Dave-W]

Did not Our Lord lambaste certain groups of Pharisees for placing unbiblical "boundaries" around biblical commands; thereby expanding the Word into saying something that it did not actually say?

How is adding a bunch of rules any different? The biblical command is "Thou shalt not commit adultery." Period. But these rulse are saying Thou shalt not have close friends of the opposite gender.

 

[sdmsanjose]

The wife has a choice. She can demand her right to spend time with other men by having lunch and walks with them or she can be concerned enough about her husband to sacrifice her time with other men in order to honor her husband and care about his feelings.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

My best friend of MANY years is a man (I'm not). We worked together early on in my career and have stayed friends for the last almost 30 years. Have I ever been "interested" in him? Nope. Have we done things together, hung out, etc.? Yes. At one point, he and I would go racing while HIS wife and MY husband would go do something else. Sadly, his wife died unexpectedly 6 years ago. And yes, we (my husband and I) dropped everything and went to him...his son ended up staying with us for a little while, long story, short version, he was a junior in high school and didn't want to be known as "the kid who's mom dropped dead in front of him". He stayed with us until he finished high school. We attended my friend's wedding to his new wife a couple of years ago and I was the "best man".

If there are solid boundaries in place, I honestly don't see the problem.

 

[LinkH]

I'd say if you aren't comfortable with it, she needs to accommodate your concerns. Other people are comfortable with it, and that may work in their marriages. You also know your own feelings better than we do, and you know your wife. There is also intuition that some people have if their spouse is forming an inappropriate relationship, and some people just have jealousy and insecurity. Even if it is the latter, your wife should listen to you and heed you on the matter.

 

[HannahT]

My wife eats lunch at work daily with a male co-worker and sometimes 2 of them and she proceeds to go for 30 minutes walks around the work property after lunch. I have expressed my concerns with this because , I believe it leaves hers susceptible to growing close to these gentleman and it concerns me due to what it might lead to. Is this what A Christian woman ought to be participating in?

Your questions seem a little to general to really answer any questions.

I know we had some people from my old job that used to eat, and then take a walk - because of their weight watchers program. It never led to anything, but they did use each other for encourage to continue towards their goals of being healthy. Other than that their interactions were on the business level only.

Do you have concerns about this person other than the perception part? That is something you two should really be discussing, instead of asking strangers online about it. Have you offered to go for walks after dinner, breakfast, etc?

I know in many places you don't have many choices on whom you eat with, and at my old job I would eat daily with my boss (male). It was mostly talking about the process of deliveries, parts, and staff issues. There was an occasional personal discussion, but it wasn't anything really deep. Many people participate in business lunches in which majority of the time you speak business...and that's it.

Should a Christian woman be participating in that? You really haven't given much information on the circumstances, and although we here can dream up the worse or best and answer your question - I'm not so sure it would be helpful. I've been in business for many years, and under all kinds of circumstances. You can eat, discuss, walk, etc without any inkling of anything surfacing. Matter of fact that tends to happen most of the time in business.

I'm not sure if you are writing out of genuine concern - or wording things so people would empathize with your insecurities. Genuine concern should be able to be worked out with any healthy relationship. Insecurities tend to muck any resolution.

 

[mkgal1]

Genuine concern should be able to be worked out with any healthy relationship. Insecurities tend to muck any resolution.

QFE.....very good point!

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I understand people can be tempted by the opposite sex, but it depends on the person. I don't get along with guys because we usually have nothing in common. I'm a introvert whos not into sports, talking smack, competing.....manly man stuff. So I have LOTS of female friends. My wife doesn't mind because she knows I am loyal. I don't see these women as objects of anything but sisters in the Lord.

Is she falling for him? Does she seem to have changed towards you? If you have legit reasons about whats going on then tell her about it again. But if theres no real evidence that shes changed then I wouldn't worry about it. If you want you can always just ask her if theres something she would like changed in the marriage. Because sometimes when something is lacking in a marriage there is temptation to get it from someone outside of the marriage. Or you two could always get counseling, she may open up with the consular if there is something going on that she won't talk about. Again thats sort of an extreme option since right now your not 100% sure if theres something going on between her and this guy.

 

[joshua 1 9]

My wife eats lunch at work daily with a male co-worker and sometimes 2 of them and she proceeds to go for 30 minutes walks around the work property after lunch. I have expressed my concerns with this because , I believe it leaves hers susceptible to growing close to these gentleman and it concerns me due to what it might lead to. Is this what A Christian woman ought to be participating in?

Depends on how open your marriage is. It would be nice if you and your wife agreed on that.