Why is virginity mocked?

[selfinflikted]

No, I'm not a narrow-minded Christian.
I've had experience. And regrets.

I don't want to assume you're a narrow-minded atheist, the term you use.

Gee. Try to be accommodating here and get slammed...

*shrug*

I just find it telling that you went to lengths to give us your sexual history, use weird terms, then turn around and say you don't have any hangups. It's obvious you do, but again, who cares? I'm just bored at work and posting randomly. I can shut up if you want.

 

[selfinflikted]

Makes sense. Was just curious if we define that in the context of Virginity, or is that strictly used in the full sexual development sense, and "Experiment" is used for younger than full sexual development. Odd inquiry I know, but I have my reasons.

Speaking from personal experience only, I find that when someone says "virgin" they just mean they haven't had penetrative sex. I think anything else is fair game.

 

[Larry Mondello]

On this topic, is there a minimum age requirement to lose one's virginity? Do we view anyone who has had sex after puberty to no longer be a virgin? What about before puberty?

Kids seem to be getting younger and younger and experimenting, to the point that elementary-middle school kids are even experimenting with each other. Not sure they have the mental development for it to be classified as losing their virginity, but just curious with the new societal trend among kids.

Good questions.

That's why I say those who say they "lost" their virginity @14 didn't really "lose" their virginities bec. they never really had it.
That is, 12-13-14 y.o.s. generally aren't mentally capable to provide consent.

Much like an older man having sex with a minor, say a 13 or 16 y.o.. Though the minor says yes, she really couldn't give consent.

For those who lost their virginity in rape or cases of abuse, they're still virgins in my mind bec. they didn't willingly end their virginity.
They had their innocence robbed from them.

 

[sandwiches]

To be fair, you and another poster get so hung-up on terms and phraseology, nitpickin' everything I post....

This reminds me of a silly argument I had with a friend of mine. He told me that I got too hung up on what he "said" and not on what he "meant."

 

[Larry Mondello]

*shrug*

I just find it telling that you went to lengths to give us your sexual history, use weird terms, then turn around and say you don't have any hangups. It's obvious you do, but again, who cares? I'm just bored at work and posting randomly. I can shut up if you want.

Didn't go into lurid detail, just generalities about my past.

Like someone writing about alcohol abuse or other addictions.
Gives the person more "street cred" if they've "been there."
Not linking people here to substance abuse.

"Reborn" or "born again" virgin aren't "weird" terms.
Many adults, even non-religious people, feel some regret and choose to live their lives differently.
Of course, they're not physical virgins, but have changed their lives.

Funny how "accommodating" and "being understanding" is valued on one side, but so easily dismissed if if comes from the "wrong" side...

 

[hollyda]

Good questions.

That's why I say those who say they "lost" their virginity @14 didn't really "lose" their virginities bec. they never really had it.
That is, 12-13-14 y.o.s. generally aren't mentally capable to provide consent.

Much like an older man having sex with a minor, say a 13 or 16 y.o.. Though the minor says yes, she really couldn't give consent.

For those who lost their virginity in rape or cases of abuse, they're still virgins in my mind bec. they didn't willingly end their virginity.
They had their innocence robbed from them.

I like this philosophy to a degree; the age of consent isn't a good measure, though, as it's not universal. In France it's 15, in Germany it's 14 (with some stipulations), and 16 in England. That's to say nothing of other countries where it's much lower.

And in the US, it's not across the board one age, either.

State laws

Each US state has its own age of consent. Currently state laws set the age of consent at 16, 17 or 18. The most common age is 16.
age of consent 16 (31): Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, Connecticut, District of Columbia, Georgia, Hawaii, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, North Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Vermont, Washington, West Virginia
age of consent 17 (9): Colorado, Illinois, Louisiana, Missouri, Nebraska, New Mexico, New York, Texas, Wyoming
age of consent 18 (11): Arizona, California, Delaware, Florida, Idaho, North Dakota, Oregon, Tennessee, Utah, Virginia, Wisconsin

 

[sandwiches]

Good questions.

That's why I say those who say they "lost" their virginity @14 didn't really "lose" their virginities bec. they never really had it.
That is, 12-13-14 y.o.s. generally aren't mentally capable to provide consent.

Much like an older man having sex with a minor, say a 13 or 16 y.o.. Though the minor says yes, she really couldn't give consent.

For those who lost their virginity in rape or cases of abuse, they're still virgins in my mind bec. they didn't willingly end their virginity.
They had their innocence robbed from them.

Virginity is not about consent. It's about sex. Now, what you consider sex is another matter entirely, of course.

Also, it makes no sense that a child cannot give consent to another person of equal or similar age or maturity. I experimented sexually when I was about 6 or 7 with a girl about the same age. I consented even though I was still a kid. She consented. Or are you saying we had unconsented sexual contact or worse, raped each other?

 

[Belk]

That makes sense.

I mean no disrespect toward you, and admit I may have misunderstood some things here or got posters mixed-up.

I hope you see where I'm coming from:
that some/ many people belittle virgins or those with little experience.

Like Jase says, many women AND men won't date virgins. I've read their posts online.

You won't see me attacking or belittling those who have sex or those who haven't.

I've been on both sides of the fence, lived as a semi- or "reborn" virgin through most of my 20s.
But had a short period in my life (1 month) @25-26 where I had casual sex 2X.
That means I had full penetrative sex all of 2X 19-30.
So I understand how things are.
Don't anyone go thinkin' I'm some prude with sexual or religious hang-ups.

So what? If you are planning on not having sex and they are planning on a sexual relationship it is better to have that out in the open from the beginning, no?

 

[sandwiches]

So what? If you are planning on not having sex and they are planning on a sexual relationship it is better to have that out in the open from the beginning, no?

Exactly. I wouldn't date someone who's not willing to have sex. Is that wrong?

 

[selfinflikted]

Exactly. I wouldn't date someone who's not willing to have sex. Is that wrong?

Not in my opinion. I'd feel the same way. As some other poster said, I would pretty much expect sex no later than the third or fourth date.

 

[hollyda]

Not in my opinion. I'd feel the same way. As some other poster said, I would pretty much expect sex no later than the third or fourth date.

Furthermore, if a virgin is dating someone pressuring him/her into sex and they don't want it, the relationship likely won't last long. For me, my fiance was my first, and I was his first. We went at our own pace, and it worked because we were pretty much operating at the same level.

 

[Belk]

Not in my opinion. I'd feel the same way. As some other poster said, I would pretty much expect sex no later than the third or fourth date.

Yeah, but your one of those perverted gay people so you don't count.

 

[mmksparbud]

I was amongst those that mocked--why??---because I lost mine at age 5--trust me, it was not my idea!!--You can't be proud of something you haven't got! Having spent my life being molested, I simply could not relate to virgins, so I mocked. I just didn't know any better till I gave my heart to God and then you're forgiven, so you don't feel defiled anymore and can see the value of self worth. It is something to be proud of, it is a gift to the one person God has chosen for you to spend your life with, something that is strictly between the two of you and no other. Yes, it's mocked--but men will pay a very high price to"deflower" a virgin, why? They'll take a young girl to wife just to make sure she is a virgin--they want that for a wife--but they will mock it in public and try like the devil to take it from you!!

 

[Larry Mondello]

So what? If you are planning on not having sex and they are planning on a sexual relationship it is better to have that out in the open from the beginning, no?

Not sure where you're coming from here.
People don't date the same.

Know some women who will state in their dating profiles and early on to their dates how they're not planning to have sex early.
That scares away some guys. Those guys' loss.

Didn't get sexually involved with my future wife until 4 mos. into our dating. We were in our 30s.
Of course, as a man, had sexual feelings but didn't want to ruin what looked to be a potentially great relationship, the kind of relationship I had been seeking FOR YEARS.

Personally, I wouldn't bring up sex early in a relationship.
Let the relationship grow and develop.
When it feels right, you'll know it.

 

[sandwiches]

Not sure where you're coming from here.
People don't date the same.

Know some women who will state in their dating profiles and early on to their dates how they're not planning to have sex early.
That scares away some guys. Those guys' loss.

Not my loss. I wouldn't wanna date someone who doesn't want to have sex.

Didn't get sexually involved with my future wife until 4 mos. into our dating. We were in our 30s.
Of course, as a man, had sexual feelings but didn't want to ruin what looked to be a potentially great relationship, the kind of relationship I had been seeking FOR YEARS.

I don't get this. How would you have ruined it by having sex?

Personally, I wouldn't bring up sex early in a relationship.
Let the relationship grow and develop.
When it feels right, you'll know it.

I usually bring it up quickly, jokingly and flirtingly. I rarely sit around waiting for the time to "feel right." I usually try to make it feel right. Right then.

 

[Larry Mondello]

I was amongst those that mocked--why??---because I lost mine at age 5--trust me, it was not my idea!!--You can't be proud of something you haven't got!
Having spent my life being molested, I simply could not relate to virgins, so I mocked.

I just didn't know any better till I gave my heart to God and then you're forgiven, so you don't feel defiled anymore and can see the value of self worth.
It is something to be proud of, it is a gift to the one person God has chosen for you to spend your life with, something that is strictly between the two of you and no other.

Yes, it's mocked--but men will pay a very high price to"deflower" a virgin, why?
They'll take a young girl to wife just to make sure she is a virgin--they want that for a wife--but they will mock it in public and try like the devil to take it from you!!

Great post.

You're likely right about some men. They want a woman with standards, but maybe aren't so "strict" on themselves about whom they date and have sex with. Yes, a contradiction and hyprocritical.

 

[Belk]

I was amongst those that mocked--why??---because I lost mine at age 5--trust me, it was not my idea!!--You can't be proud of something you haven't got! Having spent my life being molested, I simply could not relate to virgins, so I mocked. I just didn't know any better till I gave my heart to God and then you're forgiven, so you don't feel defiled anymore and can see the value of self worth. It is something to be proud of, it is a gift to the one person God has chosen for you to spend your life with, something that is strictly between the two of you and no other. Yes, it's mocked--but men will pay a very high price to"deflower" a virgin, why? They'll take a young girl to wife just to make sure she is a virgin--they want that for a wife--but they will mock it in public and try like the devil to take it from you!!

No man I know wants a virgin for a wife. Why would I want someone inexperienced?

 

[Belk]

Not sure where you're coming from here.
People don't date the same.

Know some women who will state in their dating profiles and early on to their dates how they're not planning to have sex early.
That scares away some guys. Those guys' loss.

I'm coming from the point that if someone is expecting to be sexyually active in their dating life they are not going to date someone who does not want to be sexually active. I don't see that as a negative, I see it as common sense.

Didn't get sexually involved with my future wife until 4 mos. into our dating. We were in our 30s.
Of course, as a man, had sexual feelings but didn't want to ruin what looked to be a potentially great relationship, the kind of relationship I had been seeking FOR YEARS.

Glad it worked out for you. I was sexually active with my wife for 10 years before we decided to get married. Didn't hurt our relationship one bit.

Personally, I wouldn't bring up sex early in a relationship.
Let the relationship grow and develop.
When it feels right, you'll know it.

I would agree with this. It is going to be different for different people.

 

[Larry Mondello]

Not my loss. I wouldn't wanna date someone who doesn't want to have sex.

That's your prerogative.
If you're not willing to be patient or accommodate your dating partner that way, it's prob. best to leave.

I don't get this. How would you have ruined it by having sex?

Getting too sexual too soon can ruin things.
Talking from experience here.

The sex I had @17. It wasn't early in our relationship, but clearly, we weren't in love.

In one of those casual incidents I had @25-26, had sex on the first date with this woman I knew who lived in my apt. complex.

I was wrong to have pressured her but she didn't really resist.

During the act, and immediately after we finished, felt funny about her, and seemed to quickly lose some respect for her.

She tried contacting me and wrote me a letter saying how she wanted to get back together.

Could have pursued a relationship with her, but I think her giving-in so soon turned me off toward her.
As a lonely single guy in my mid-late 20s, I wanted a life partner.

A year or so later, at my going-away party (I moved to another town), she confided how as a Christian, that wasn't the kind of thing she should have done.
Still, told me it was the sexiest night she'd ever had...
So looking back, my mistake and my loss.

Just my experience. Not everyone's will be the same.

 

[sandwiches]

That's your prerogative.
If you're not willing to be patient or accommodate your dating partner that way, it's prob. best you leave.

Or better yet, not even get started! =)

Getting too sexual too soon can ruin things.
Talking from experience here.

Depends on the girl and how experienced and confident you are.
Talking from experience here.

The sex I had @17. It wasn't early in our relationship, but clearly, we weren't in love.

Love's not necessary for sex, in my opinion.

In one of those casual incidents I had @25-26, had sex on the first date with this woman I knew who lived in my apt. complex.

I was wrong to have pressured her but she didn't really resist.

If she didn't resist, she wanted it as well. You weren't wrong.

During the act, and immediately after we finished, felt funny about her, and seemed to quickly lose some respect for her.

She tried contacting me and wrote me a letter saying how she wanted to get back together.

Could have pursued a relationship with her, but I think her giving-in so soon turned me off toward her.
As a lonely single guy in my mid-late 20s, I wanted a life partner.

Seems like that's YOUR problem, not hers. And quite honestly, from this comment I have lost a lot of respect for you. That you would pressure her into sex, have sex, then lose respect for her is pretty low. And from your story, I get the impression that you almost feel like she's somewhat at fault in all this.

A year or so later, at my going-away party (I moved to another town), she confided how as a Christian, that wasn't the kind of thing she should have done.
Still, told me it was the sexiest night she'd ever had...
So looking back, my mistake and my loss.

Sounds like it.

Just my experience. Not everyone's will be the same.

Indeed.