Why is it so hard for me to talk about?!

[Cerulean_Butterfly]

Jamie... thank you so so so so much.... that has meant SOOOO much.... You have no idea... you're such a great friend and im so glad i know you... thank you so much for caring about me and loving me when i had no one else.... s

Jo.

 

[TravellingGrace]

Happy Birthday sweety! hope you have a wonderful day!

 

[Rosa Mystica]

extreme: I've been emotionally abused, and had a run-in w/ SI about a week and a half ago. I also have a lot of mental illness issues which I detest talking about, but am starting to deal w/ in counselling, 'cause they won't go away otherwise. Please feel free to PM me if you so desire.

Bams481: I gasped when read about what your mom did to you. That's even worse than what my dad did to me. And yet you've come out to be a strong and faithful young woman. My PM box is also open to you anytime if you feel the need to vent about anything.

God bless you both,
Rosa Mystica

 

[EbonNelumbo]

You can always talk to me...I might be flaky with checking PM's but if I am on AIM then IM me or else send me an email to this name at gmail.com.

 

[Godsgirl481]

Thanks Rosa and OddBeani....talking helps me a lot. Sometimes talking is all I do....a lot call it complaining...but I don't think that's what it is. My past consists of so much abuse. It is hard to even write it all down without leaving something out. My mom is an alcoholic...and with that came a lot of emotional and physical abuse from her. She hated me, said I looked and acted like my father (they were divorced). My mom and step dad were into Wicca and Satanism...so when I was Jo's age...I was SOOOO confused. I hung around some church goers in school and went to church (when my mom let me) with one of them...but the Wicca and Satanism at home...mixed with a Christian church just made things more confusing. I find that I am a strong person. I withstood verbal abuse from my boyfriend (now ex boyfriend) for 10 months...all without cutting. I am so proud of myself (even if no one else is) because this is the HARDEST thing I have ever tried to give up. Cutting has been my outlet since I was really little...and now being almost 24....it has become a way of life. One day, I just said "enough" and fought the urges. I replaced it with drugs, alcohol, and sex...and at times...I drive back into that lifestyle when things are really hard to deal with...but life is a journey....recovery is a journey...and recovering from abuse is a lifetime journey. I'm starting to understand just how big God is...and how big His love is...and little by little (late at night, when no one is around) I will let Him love on me...just a little. But God never said I had to except Him, and trust Him all in one big step....right? Anyways...not sure why I wrote all this I need a computer so I can get on it more lol. I love CF and veryone here. I have let out so much stuff on this board and have taken huge steps at getting better. All pray for me HUGS TO ALL

 

[BaptistboyforJesus]

Jo-let me tell you something! You are a child of God and every human being alive

good or bad (you sound like one the good ones) is loved by God. God wants

each and every one of us to draw closer and closer to Him! He loves you with a

type of love you cannot ever imagine!!! You special, I already love you and

Jesus loves you too!!! Your in my prayers. Forget what your uncle says--

he's totally wrong. He needs Jesus too!

 

[katylees]

*hugs* i care for you im here to listen if u want to talk about things

 

[jen_soccer13]

Do any of you ever feel like it must have been your fault in some way?....that is how i feel. I search my mind daily to think of what i could have done...but never find anything...but it must have been me...y else would it have happened?

 

[Cerulean_Butterfly]

Jen... everyday... I tell myself that everyday... that its my fault that my uncle did what he did...that its my fault my Aunt hates me... that its my fault im depressed. I blame myself for everything... always... it never stops. I actually told myself... verbally... one day "You are to blame for anything and everything that happens to you." I said that to myself in the mirror. I have a deep hatred for myself at times... sometimes its only a dislike... it depends on my mood... but its been awhile since i loved myself. Or even liked myself... I always tell myself "You could have/should have done something... there must have been something you could do... once again Jo stupid is as stupid does... whats wrong with you? you're such an idiot... you dont deserve to be alive..." So yes... definetly.

Jo.

 

[EbonNelumbo]

Hmm, I know how you feel. My mom is into hinduism,,,reincarnation and the whole speel. She let me go to church but hated me and abused me then things changed. I think we should talk...

 

[Godsgirl481]

I used to think it was my fault...but after going through counseling...and really backing up and looking at it...I can see what I could have done to cause such abuse. I mean, I obeyed everything and never went anywhere. I followed all rules....the whole yes ma'am no ma'am thing...no matter what, I was respectful...so I really don't think I did anything to cause it...and Jen and jo, think of it this way...if you had a daughter and they were being bad (or whatever you think you did to cause it) would you mistreat and abuse them like you were abused? The answer will always be no...because no matter how children act (and you are a child until you reach 18) they NEVER EVER EVER deserve to be abused in any way....just remember that

 

[EbonNelumbo]

never give up...ever ever never ever

 

[Godsgirl481]

sometimes it takes more to live then it does to just die...but I agree

 

[Man with Thorn]

Oops, somehow I posted while I was still drafting my actual post below - mod, can you delete this post please. Sorry !!!

 

[Man with Thorn]

I blame myself for everything... always... it never stops.... I have a deep hatred for myself at times... sometimes its only a dislike... it depends on my mood... but its been awhile since i loved myself. Or even liked myself..

Jo
I have just read this thread from the beginning, and my heart is filled with tears for you and the other people who have shared here.

I too bear the scars, on my heart, in my mind, and on my body, of being abused as a child - and have run the full gamut of counselling, 8 years of hard-core medication for depression, cutting myself, etc etc etc. I am 38, and a few days ago one of the most pivotal moments in my life took place - I was spending time alone with God, and began to cry from the depths of my heart -''why Lord, why do I wake up every morning feeling as if I am about to experience something terrible? Why do I permanently feel as though my stomach is a knotted coiling pit of vipers? Why do I chew my nails? Why do I spend pactically every waking moment (and lots of sleeping ones too) in fear?''

God convicted me that I needed to open every door in my heart to Him, so I actually spoke out loud to Him about what I could remember (which isn't much). I poured out every feeling, fear, memory, and sin I have committed as a result of my being abused in childhood, out loud in words. And then I asked Him to cleanse it from me with the blood of His Risen Son Jesus.

When it was over, I sensed a light so strong I thought the sun had broken through the clouds outside (we haven't seen sun in 3 weeks), and a peace and calm that made me feel as though I was drugged.

I am finally free from these deep dark and desperate things I have carried with me for so long. They are 'under the Blood of Jesus'. And that is where they will stay - no matter how Satan tries to drag them out and use them against me again.

Something that keeps coming to me as I type this is Revelations 1:17-18.

Can I ask you, would you describe your past, memories, anger, self-loathing, desperation, pain, darkness, loneliness, fear, anxiety, depression, bleeding soul as a type of living death?

''And when I saw Him, I fell at His feet as dead.But He laid His right hand on me, saying to me: ''Do not be afraid: I am the First and the Last
I am He who lives, and was dead, and behold I possess the keys of Hades and of Death'' (NKJV - The Amplified describes Hades as 'the realm of the dead')

That is what's important -Jesus and not Satan holds the keys of the realm of the dead. And Jesus died for you. He loves you. He wants you to live with Him . In His Father's house. Forever. Starting NOW. So don't believe the lie that Satan has sold you, the lie that all is hopeless, all is lost, and you will always carry this pain in your heart. Who is Satan to condemn you to a life of pain, hurt, and 'living death' - he doesn't even hold the keys to his own 'kingdom'!

Another thing I would like to say is that your blaming yourself is the voice of Satan, he is the great accuser, doing everything possible to accuse those who lay claim to being children of God. Satan will continue to speak this accusation into your heart and life, and in so doing keep you from becoming truly free, for as long as you let him. But you can put a stop to that.Right now. Why?

'Then I heard a loud voice saying in Heaven ''Now salvation and strength and the kingdom of our God, and the power of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our bretheren, who accused them before our God day and night has been cast down.
''And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony''
Rev 12: 10-11 NKJV coloured text my own emphasis

Your accuser, who tells you that it's your fault, is Lucifer. I urge you to read Isiah 14:12-21 and Ezekiel 28:12-19 (the King of Tyre is Lucifer), to see just who your accuser is, and exactly where he stands with God, which is less than nowhere.

Even if you may have done some things which were not right in God's eyes as a result of what was done to you, all you need to do is receive your forgiveness and cleansing under the Blood of Jesus, and you can put it where it belongs - behind you.

What was done to you as a child was done to you. No-one can change or undo that. However, what can be changed and undone is the damage and effects of what was done to you. And the only one who can change or undo it is the Lord. If you truly open your heart, talk to Him about it, speak out your pain and hurt, and then ask Him to cleanse you and set you free through the Blood of Jesus, you can walk away a new person.

It is a falsehood and a lie that we need to carry the pain of abuse to the grave with us - Jesus can and will set us free if we ask expecting to receive His healing.

And please know that you are loved here, with the love that comes from the heart of our Redeemer, Saviour, Friend.

If you, or anyone else on this thread would like to talk or just want to say 'hi', or need prayer, please PM me any time.

God Bless you Jo, your pain is felt, and you are loved by many.
Thorn

 

[Godsgirl481]

someone once told me to lay down on my bed....with no blades anywhere...and just tell God everything that happened, how I felt then, how I feel now....even if I go as far as to say that I hate Him for it....and not to stop until it is all out. God already knows it all...but it would help to just let every bit out...but I can't. I can't talk about it outloud...I can type it...but I can't speak it. I hope one day I can...cause it eats me up inside. I am in the same place...sorta...as Jo is. I am older...but that pain she has, I feel that too

 

[Man with Thorn]

someone once told me to lay down on my bed....with no blades anywhere...and just tell God everything that happened, how I felt then, how I feel now....even if I go as far as to say that I hate Him for it....and not to stop until it is all out. God already knows it all...but it would help to just let every bit out...but I can't. I can't talk about it outloud...I can type it...but I can't speak it. I hope one day I can...cause it eats me up inside. I am in the same place...sorta...as Jo is. I am older...but that pain she has, I feel that too

Bams, how about of you type it and then just read it out loud to the Lord? Even if you just do it with one thought/feeling/memory at a time, you will find that it will get easier.And remember, even Jesus said some difficult things when He was praying, so you can say anything to the Lord - He has very broad shoulders, even if you are angry at Him, you can tell Him. Try with the things you feel least uncomfortable about talking to Him about out loud, and take it one little step at a time.
God Bless you
Thorn

 

[EbonNelumbo]

CF is a place you can talk...

I might have things upon my plate but I am always willing to help others. Things from our pasts are often hard to talk about, trust me I know this. In fact, if you want to know how much I know about it in particular, PM me and I will give you a link to my complete testimonial bio...

Life is something that we have to deal with and often there are things that destroy us inside but leave us intact on the outside, I know that the inside is more important than anything. Talking about things is the second step to healing, admitting the things happened is the first, along with admitting they are NOT our fault...

 

[Godsgirl481]

Bams, how about of you type it and then just read it out loud to the Lord? Even if you just do it with one thought/feeling/memory at a time, you will find that it will get easier.And remember, even Jesus said some difficult things when He was praying, so you can say anything to the Lord - He has very broad shoulders, even if you are angry at Him, you can tell Him. Try with the things you feel least uncomfortable about talking to Him about out loud, and take it one little step at a time.
God Bless you
Thorn

I can try...I used to do that in my sexual abuse class that I was taking when I was in Kansas...I would write letters to my abusers, or just like journal entries...and read them outloud to the women in the class...lately I've sorta been closed up...just got out of a abusive relationship with a guy, and got into drug use that is eatting me alive...I am fighting my way back to Kansas where God wants me...just hard right now

 

[Man with Thorn]

I can try...I used to do that in my sexual abuse class that I was taking when I was in Kansas...I would write letters to my abusers, or just like journal entries...and read them outloud to the women in the class...lately I've sorta been closed up...just got out of a abusive relationship with a guy, and got into drug use that is eatting me alive...I am fighting my way back to Kansas where God wants me...just hard right now

Bams, that is one of the terrible legacies of abuse - people often end up perpetuating the abuse they received as children by getting into abusive relationshps as adults. Unfortnately, abuse needs to be dealt with in the spiritual and phsychological/emotional/physical realms, and this is where many people are never truly healed and set free - they receive all the worldly counselling etc, but are still under spiritual bondage. God wants to set us free, and enjoy a life of abundance in all good things,but we need to trust totally in His grace, and this is not an`easy thing to do - it involves the type of faith that a skydiver has in her parachure when she jumps out of an aeroplane. But God is better than a parachute - He is the ability to fly higher faster and safer than any bird.

I urge you to start doing serious business with God today, don't wait. All you need is to talk to Him in prayer :

Perhaps you are bruised and broken by the pressures of life. Others have wronged you and you feel scarred for life.You have old, painful memories that have never been healed.You avoid prayer because you feel too distant, too unworthy, too defiled.Do not despair. The Father's heart is open wide - you are welcome to come in.

Richard Foster: Prayer, Finding the Heart's True Home​

​

I pray you make it home soon.​

God Bless​

Thorn​