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Why doesn't God just kill me

Discussion in 'Depression Disorders' started by Observer, Jul 11, 2006.

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  1. Observer

    Observer Observer

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    I'm not very fond of disclosing really personal information like this... I know "Observer" is anonymous but talking about myself is still extremely hard. I just feel like I need to talk about this... to anyone who will read it. I have no clue what for, it doesn't feel like anything can help me.

    I'm a 19 year old female and I live in Australia. I don't really know where to start with my problems. I have suffered from mental illness for a very long time. I am constantly attacked by satan almost every moment that I am alive and right now all I do is cry all day and shake... and I mean all day. I do not stop crying, and I'm crying right now. I feel like I'm possessed by some kind of demon completely... it feels like every single part of me is being eaten and destroyed constantly... over and over and over. My body is exhausted and always hurts... I don't stop shaking and it's hard to breathe. My heart is always pounding and I have a permanent disgusting mix of every negative emotion stiring around in my stomach and chest. I feel so sick that I just can't stand the thought of eating. When I do eat, it feels absolutely disgusting and like I'm going to throw up. I'm so... so... tired... of having these... nervous breakdowns, or whatever the hell it is. I have been hospitalised before because I had a "panic attack" that didn't stop for months. Isn't that enough? Haven't I had enough? I don't understand God. I've had all sorts of freaking things. I've had "body dysmorphic disorder" where my freaking reflection in the mirror changes in front of my freaking face... I have completely obsesive thoughts and compulsive behaviour... I've been so paranoid that I couldn't leave my house at all for years. I am so exhausted. I wish that I could say I feel "dead", but I don't. I feel as if I'm dying a a new horrifying death every moment that I'm alive, and it's not stopping. It just won't stop. I pray and pray and pray and pray and the only thing that gives me anything is taking xanax... and it doesn't help that much and only lasts a couple of hours at a time, and then I have to take more. Every day is like mental, emotional and physical torture. My heart is racing, I feel completely nauseated and horrified and I don't stop shaking and crying and rocking myself back and forth. I love my fiance so much and my issue is stressing him out so much. He would be beter off to go back to America. I wish we could go back to being happy and I wish that I could be the wife that I want to be and that he deserves but I just can't. It's 12:51 AM and I'm dreading going to bed. I'm dreading having to lie down in silence with this horrible evil thing... and I hate waking up... I



    HATE.

    waking

    up.

    I hate the realisation that I've woken up and I'm still here.
     
  2. fallupchik

    fallupchik o life! let's get this right shall we?

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    *says a pray for you* pm me if you ever need anything, i think you should tallk to someone you know and trust. i wish i could give you more advice, but sorry i can't. but i will pray for you that you get better..
     
  3. Bunn

    Bunn New Member

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    Everything you said in this post, besides the face changing in the mirror stuff, happened to me too. Mine went on for a year... maybe longer. So I totally understand.

    I am going to PM you. Since it can always help to talk with someone who has experienced something similar to what you are going through.

    It is a terrible feeling of being held down and being helpless... My heart goes out to you dear.

    God bless you
     
  4. DrAmA_Q33n

    DrAmA_Q33n Regular Member

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    wow...
    as i read your post, i started to cry.
    I will be praying for you, and i hope things get better for you.

    :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

    ~in prayer~
    -maechelle
     
  5. trinitygrace

    trinitygrace Look hard enough & you will always fin

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    Observer,
    Your description of what your day is like sounds like Hell. I feel for you though, because I suffered from a deep depression for a whole year (last year) where every waking moment felt like I was being tortured. You see, I was suffering from one of the worst pains possible - a broken heart. But God came through for me. I began to get strong and feel loved by Him. You sound like you have experienced a great deal of bad things in your life. You are so young and should be enjoying this season of being engaged, instead of feeling like you are always in pain and suffering. I will pray for you. I would suggest, to keep praying. God will never leave your side. Also, go to a counselor - preferrably a Christian counselor who will give you biblically-based advice on how to counteract the demons you are experiencing. You very well may have demons irritating you. There are so many scriptures that prove that demon posession is real. No medicine, no counseling, no nothing will get rid of it. The only thing that will is FAITH in the Lord. Do not lose your faith. Pray to Him and get all the help you can get and I guarantee you will get better. I have faith in you. You will become the fiance' and wife that you've always wanted to be. It will come to pass- this bad stage. You will see better days. Believe me, when I was there, I didn't think those days would come. Now they're here and I'm a much stronger and happier person because of it. I feel for you girl. Please know God is with you and He LOVES YOU!! God Bless!
     
  6. Ruth~

    Ruth~ Legend Supporter

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    I'm very sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like absolute agony. Have you seen a counselor for it, it may help. I'm praying for you. May you have peace soon.
     
  7. Soulwings

    Soulwings pain out, love in

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    :hug::hug: sweetie. This will pass. And you've got to hold that hope in your heart. You aren't dead yet because God has got a plan for you... for YOU, yes you, you're so amazingly special in His eyes, and in everyone's eyes around you. :hug: Have you sought professional help about everything that has been causing you trouble? You said you were hospitalised, but have you got a psych and/or a counselor outside of the hospital? And are you on any meds at all? I hate asking about meds, because I myself hate relying on them, but if the situation is bad enough they can be of great help.

    You're in my prayers. Much of what you're going through, I'm going through now, so I really can sympathise. PM me or get in contact with me via email or IM if you wish to talk. :hug: May God give you His peace, and hold you in His loving arms.
     
  8. RaddMadd

    RaddMadd Veteran

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    maybe God is trying to tell you something, i've went through alot and know that when you get out of it, its freakin' great! im so mellow now.your not dead because of what soul wings says, God has a will for everyone to serve and His will is for us to teach the Good News. thorugh our talents and abilities. yeah life sucks sometimes but just read the book of Job. and also, i don't think that your possessed. if your saved then i'm pretty sure its impossible for you to be possessed. Satan has nothing over you, if Satan is messing with you, then its easy, because Jesus has given us authority over the enemy ( our authority is using Jesus' Name ) just have faith and you'll be fine, if you have faith then there should be no worrying, you should be relieved. when you pray, don't hope and pray, pray and expect. expect for good results. pm me and tell me how you are, even if you don't like talking about it, cuz im going through stuff now and it helps to talk to someone else. and also, do you know the band Nirvana? they have a song called Endless,Nameless. its about someone who is realizing that their still alive and is dissapointed that they are. i dont know, listening to a song that i can connect to always makes me feel better.

    God bless
     
  9. trinitygrace

    trinitygrace Look hard enough & you will always fin

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    I love the band Nirvana. They are one of my all-time favorite bands. However, I have sort of grown out of them a bit because of their depressing lyrics. I still think and will always believe that Kurt Cobain was one of the most talented musicians that ever lived. His voice is one of a kind and when I used to listen to his music, it would give me a sense of peace knowing that someone else does experience the same bad and horrible things that I've experienced. I definitely did connect with the music. I'll check out that song and download it. I know most Nirvana songs, but have never heard of that one. Thanks RaddMadd!
     
  10. Dungbeetle

    Dungbeetle Guest

    When I was young I had mental problems. They stemmed from a belief in satan. Once I gave up that belief, I recovered. (I still believe in God and Jesus.)

    I'm still depressed but it is nothing like the mental turmoil I went through as a young person who believed in the personification of evil. If you can manage to give up that belief, you may feel better.

    I hope that you will come to realise that your perceptions about yourself are inaccurate. I hope that someone will help you to stabilise your mind. Have you tried counselling?

    God bless you and help you. I hope that you will find the help that you need soon. (If it is not possible to get rid of your belief in satan, would it be possible to get a priest to help you? I found that this helped me. A priest laid his hand on my forehead and pushed me backwards. He was driving out the evil spirits.)
     
  11. RaddMadd

    RaddMadd Veteran

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    lol yeah no prob! God bless
     
  12. RaddMadd

    RaddMadd Veteran

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    im not trying to debate or anything, just trying to help. but not believing in Satan is a crazy thing to do. we believe God and Jesus from the same Book that also has our enemy Satan in it. if you don't believe in Satan than you can't believe the attacks He can throw at you. i get what your saying though, but a way to replace that with reality would be that Satan has already been defeated. Satan has nothing over us, Jesus has given us complete authority over the enemy. ( Luke 10:19 )

    God bless!!
     
  13. trinitygrace

    trinitygrace Look hard enough & you will always fin

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    Satan is real, just as God is. I believe in spiritual warfare. I feel very strongly that is is always going on around us. So you say you no longer believe in Satan?
     
  14. Dungbeetle

    Dungbeetle Guest

    Yes. I do not think that it is mentally healthy to dwell on such subjects as the possible personification of evil. I do not believe that it is necessary.

    I believe that evil exists but you just have to look at the evil which is being done in the world IN THE NAME OF GOD. And then ask yourself - Why is belief in a devil necessary when men are capable of doing evil and calling it GOOD?

    Please do not try to convince me that satan exists. If I believed that, I would be back in a mental hospital. No thanks!

    PEACE.
    :angel:
     
  15. Shouri777

    Shouri777 New Member

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    first off we need to help Observer

    and observer i say please go to church please i am telling you it will help!!!!
     
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