Why do I go through these cycles, falling into the same old traps?

[TheMainException]

I know myself well, at least I like to think that I do. But it seems to me that I always get into this cycle that I just can't break. I do okay for a while, and then a couple weeks later, I start to cycle down again, like, this time around, I'm listening to a band that I just shouldn't be listening to at all...steer clear please, I don't care what you think about them personally, stay away from "My Chemical Romance." I get stuck in things like this really easy. And the thing is...I LOVE evil, I really do. And this is probably the worse it's been for a while. I mean, I am getting really morbid, my friends even say so, and that's NEVER a good sign. I mean, here I am, saying stuff about falling off cliffs and getting bloodied, and going into much more, MUCH MORE, detail than that, and laughing hysterically a lot of the time. What is wrong with me???? I mean, how sick can I be? I'm on meds for depression and anxiety. Usually, I'm okay when people bring up stuff like suicide, death, cutting, even seeing pictures of what people do to themselves or real life examples that my friends show me. But this band that I mentioned, MCR...they are a bloody, bloody, non-Christian band that talks about all sorts of stuff I wouldn't usually listen to. And the thing is, on stage, the lead singer gets bloodied up real bad, there are times when he nearly passes out for who knows what reason. In one picture, he has cuts all over his face, and you can't tell me he got mugged or beat up. I get the feeling big time that he did it to himself. I've never seen eyes look so red and dark as if he hasn't slept or has gotten punched in either eye, or BOTH...and he is pale as a vampire...and it scares the c-ap out of me...yet I listen on to everything I can of them...looking at every picture they've got, every song I can get my hands on, every fan site, anything...why am I like this?? I am such an easy target for Satan. And the thing is...I know that I'm gonna have to go a lot lower in this before I even care enough to turn away from it. I know that I'm gonna have to get to the point of nearly cutting myself to see the blood flow, or something more insane. I can't stop right now...I don't care about anything...Well...I do...just not about myself or God much. I care about other people, but that's it. I don't care about myself, God, Satan, it's all just, whatever!

Man, I don't like this....but at the same time...while not being able to breathe because of anxiety, there is this rush that goes hand-in-hand with being a rebel. It gives me a kind of rush that somehow makes being so anxious it's depressing seem not so bad. Yet, here I am, in pain. And why???? Man, I'm such a fool...such a fool. Why am I such a fool? Answer any question you want...any answer, whether harsh or loving, I accept. Don't worry, you won't push me over the edge. I'm not one to kill myself. I don't go for that any more. I've got too many reasons why not too. It's been a long time since I actually wanted to kill myself. I just live now making guns with my hands. Really, I never cared at all for my own life...but now, all I want is pain and good things to happen to everyone else. I don't care what happens to me. If I get stabbed with an inch-thick stake in my leg...all the better. If I fall of the roof, wonderful. If I get into a car accident, well, that's alright too. If I break my foot kicking a wall, I'll be jumping for joy inside...but not like you so-called "normal" people....in a sick, tortured sense....and I am sick, and I am torturing myself. I wish I weren't, but I am...I don't know why I'm posting this...I usually talk to my best friend...but I know what he is gonna say after I start talking about this band for the third time and the fact that I did this with a previous band. I make this hard on myself...and I don't want the shame and guilt I feel when I go through this with him....probably Satan's idea for me to post here...I don't know any of you well enough to get guilty and shameful by what you say. One look from my best friend, my YP, and I'm down. I cower inside knowing that what I did was wrong, he does not approve, and that makes me feel just horrid. I want to do his bidding and please him, that way, I know that I'm doing things according to God's will...Now, that may sound wrong, but really, he is quite a man of God and I follow his lead in all things biblical and otherwise. He guides me through the tunnels, and today I have left go of his hand like a fool. You can say anything to me...I'm being such a doofus that I might just ignore it...but please, comment, I know the more I hear things that are helpful to me...the better off I'll be. But I just feel so evil and vile inside...and I'm liking it too much for anyone to be healthy with this. I will end up hurting more than just myself with this action I've been taking up.

NOW THIS is a long post...alright...well, whatever, and then, whatever...
Lauren...a poster of support now needing support also......

 

[Galadriel]

Hello there Lauren!
It sounds like you are being drawn very deeply into listening to these bands, and they are obviously having a bad effect on you. It is ALL to easy to get lured and drawn by bad stuff. I myself am just starting to see the impact. You dont even have to be consiously aware of it for it to be working on your mind and subconcious. I myself sometimes feel drawn to like read bad stuff or something, but I try my best to not follow the lure. The more you do the easier it gets and the more you want it.

Definately put the stuff down, have someone take it away from you, anything to make yourself stop looking at this stuff. Its only drawing you deeper and deeper into it until you very well may do something harmful to yourself. Just chuck the stuff away (I have had to throw out stuff myself) just go thro that music and throw out those CDs and stay off the net if you have to. Whats important is getting away from it. Paul says to think on good things:
"Finally, my brothers, whatever things are true, whatever things are honest, whatever things are right, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report; if there is any virtue and if there is any praise, think on these things.
(Phi 4:8),
and the reason he says this is because the mind is VERY powerful and can be easily swayed by bad stuff. It gets its grip on you before you know what is happening. So please (I know its hard) but throw that stuff away and dont pick it back up for anything, and when you do get the urge to, do something that makes you feel good (a good healthy kind of good). I hpoe this helps and please reply!

 

[Galadriel]

...another thing I wanted to add, you are NOT a dufus! and you are NOT a fool. You are actually wise, because tho it is very alluring, you still are able to see what it is doing to you, and that is a good thing. Believe me these things can be VERY addictive, and hard to get out of. It is very powerful on the mind, and Satan and his forces want to drag you in, they want you to keep listening to this stuff so that you keep getting dragged in deeper and deeper. Its no joke, and we all stumble and fall. Sometimes I think to myself "ok WHY am I doing this to myself again when I know its wrong/bad?" and its tough, but its something we all struggle with.

 

[TheMainException]

I thank you....this will be hard...and I'm not saying I'll even begin to do this just yet...I love it so much...evil is so good to me...but the question I must ask is whether it has been, is, and will be better than anything God has, does, and will give me if I obey...I know the answer, you know the answer...but I throw it to the side. I am so overcome with anger, so taken by my suffering, so afflicted by this sadness, that I see nothing and want nothing but evil...and I want it like never before. Your request and advice will come to pass before long...but not today...the time will come though...I'll get tough love all around and I'll start falling to the Lord again, hurt so badly that only one can heal me...so...I know I must turn...turn far from this evil....that day will come. I know it will...it must...but why do I love evil so much??? Satan is so happy...God is so sad...do I not care any longer??? Have I gotten a hardened heart???

 

[Galadriel]

Hello again Lauren!
You are right, believe me it is NOT easy, because you are where Satan wants you, and he is gonna fight as hard as he can to keep you there, to make you love that evil stuff so that you will not seek out God. Believe me when I say this it is the honest truth, the good stuff that comes from God when you obey and follow him FAR FAR FAR (and I mean FAR) outsurpasses the "good" feeling you get when you follow that evil stuff. Satan wants you to be pacified by that stuff, so that you wont reach for the very best stuff. I wouldnt say your heart is hard. if it was you wouldnt have even posted this. I think tho that you are honestly struggling. Evil is a very strong lure, but every day of our lives is spent fighting that lure. Do your best to put aside this evil as soon as you can, because the more you fall into it the harder it will be to come out of it.

 

[TheMainException]

Hello again Lauren!
You are right, believe me it is NOT easy, because you are where Satan wants you, and he is gonna fight as hard as he can to keep you there, to make you love that evil stuff so that you will not seek out God. Believe me when I say this it is the honest truth, the good stuff that comes from God when you obey and follow him FAR FAR FAR (and I mean FAR) outsurpasses the "good" feeling you get when you follow that evil stuff. Satan wants you to be pacified by that stuff, so that you wont reach for the very best stuff. I wouldnt say your heart is hard. if it was you wouldnt have even posted this. I think tho that you are honestly struggling. Evil is a very strong lure, but every day of our lives is spent fighting that lure. Do your best to put aside this evil as soon as you can, because the more you fall into it the harder it will be to come out of it.

thank you...this means a lot to me.

 

[YahwehLove]

I thank you....this will be hard...and I'm not saying I'll even begin to do this just yet...I love it so much...evil is so good to me...but the question I must ask is whether it has been, is, and will be better than anything God has, does, and will give me if I obey...I know the answer, you know the answer...but I throw it to the side. I am so overcome with anger, so taken by my suffering, so afflicted by this sadness, that I see nothing and want nothing but evil...and I want it like never before. Your request and advice will come to pass before long...but not today...the time will come though...I'll get tough love all around and I'll start falling to the Lord again, hurt so badly that only one can heal me...so...I know I must turn...turn far from this evil....that day will come. I know it will...it must...but why do I love evil so much??? Satan is so happy...God is so sad...do I not care any longer??? Have I gotten a hardened heart???

Sister.

NOW is the appointed time
You may not have ''time'' for it to change tomorrow.
What if God requires your soul tonite?

Listen.
I am quite familair with the lure of some of these things.
I was not always a christian.
I was into lots of the heavy metal and the Black Sabbath type of thing in my day and I know that it was pushing me towards even suicide.

Youre not just wandering here sister.
Youre being drawn in.
I was too.
You know that feeling you say you get, where you just want to spend the day with it?
Thats it.
And it will consume you as it does many others and tried to do me.

There are things far worse than you can imagine seeking to destroy you sis.
There are those of us who love you and would give our lives for you who want you to put this stuff away now before we are reading about you jumping from a bridge or overdosing on something.

All these things care about is pushing you...leading you to destroy yourself.
And you will if you dont fight the lure.....the bait......and put it away .

You are loved by all of us.
Dont let this stuff take you from us

 

[TheMainException]

It's one thing to say something to someone, but it's a whole other story to actually receive it...thank man.

 

[YahwehLove]

It's one thing to say something to someone, but it's a whole other story to actually receive it...thank man.

well, I wish i was someone who was around like a friend then.
I dont want to hear in a month that you went over the edge and hurt yourself.

I know its hard to believe, but God has given us a love for one another.
I can promise you that right now there is a wonderful, godly love in my heart for you

PLease understand that this stuff changes your perceptions.
It makes you feel and think in the manner it was designed to.

Its like say eating junkfood all the time.
It will have an affect on your body.
This stuff has its affect, but its on your mind.

You cannot get healthy until you lay down the junkfood.
You cannot escape the lure unless you put down the bait.

I know its hard sis.
I went thru it.
It almost calls to you, drawing you, making you want to spend time with it.
I used to actaully hear it call me, even when i was awake sometimes.

Sister, just try to fight it and try to put it down to let your head clear.
Try to get away from everything in your life that you know is evil or bad for a bit.
Right now your under its spell, like I was, and the longer it holds you, the harder it will be to put it away.
and you may not at all.

this is your life youre dealin with possibly.
Do you think I want to find that you have hurt yourself?
I promise you I dont.
And it will affect me the rest of my life now that Ive spoken to you to know that you are no more.
PLease sis.....just try to put all the stuff away for a while

 

[Radagast]

Praying for you.

I hope that you can spend more of your time doing things that bring you closer to God... But you're not a "fool" because you're hurting!

-- Radagast

 

[TheMainException]

YahwehLove...thank you...I know what it's like to love someone you never met...I love so many people on CF and I don't hardly even begin to know who they are or even their names. But I understand....I'll begin to try to end this...although...I think this cycle is built into me....what can I do about that???

 

[TheMainException]

You know...the whole feeling...it's beginning to leave me...good for that. This band isn't so bad as I first thought...and maybe that's the brainwashing going on...maybe not...but then, I see that the lead singer goes through the same things that we do...us depressives and SI'ers. He is one of us...and really...I guess I like them because I can relate...I understand...and he speaks of cutting and killing...but at one point he says "singing songs that make you slit your wrists it isn't that much fun, staring down a loaded gun." So, you see...they don't want death...and neither do I...I don't feel like death...I feel like something different than before...but nothing of death will come of this...I'll be alright.

 

[Radagast]

Seems to me you're better off not listening to that band...

But glad you're feeling better.

-- Radagast

 

[Galadriel]

Hey there Lauren!
It sounds like you are attempting to convince yourself that this band is really okay to listen to and not that bad. I know I have done the same thing when it comes to this stuff. The bottom line is any song that talks about SIs and staring down a gun barrel is NOT good to listen to. It is filling your mind with this stuff, and even if you are not conciously aware of it it is having an effect on you. That is why Paul said to think on GOOD things, he knew how powerful the mind is, and when you put harmful stuff in there, its going to stick and possibly come out in other ways. Please tho, put away the music, throw out the CDs, its not worth it believe me. I know when I was trying to put down a book that wasn't good for me to read, I told myself "its really not that bad" but I knew that really I was just trying to make it seem like it wasnt so I could keep reading it, and I threw it out, and yes the urge was there to read it, but everytime I would try to distract with somehing else that was good, and now I dont even think about it anymore or have the desire to read it. It is tough at first, but that desire to listen to that band will subside, and it is for the better that you put it down.

 

[TheMainException]

yeah......I keep trying to convince myself....

 

[YahwehLove]

YahwehLove...thank you...I know what it's like to love someone you never met...I love so many people on CF and I don't hardly even begin to know who they are or even their names. But I understand....I'll begin to try to end this...although...I think this cycle is built into me....what can I do about that???

Sis, every now and then, I feel that stuff calling me again.
Id tell you some stories, but they scare me too much to repeat and everyone i have told about some things has had horrible nightmares afterward.

I know where youre coming from.
And I can promise you that running as if your life depends on it is the only way to get away from the lure of this stuff.

I tried for a long time to say it all didnt really have an affect.
But I know how i would get when I had it aroudn.
NOt depressed, but just that I could die or something and it didnt bother me.
Not suicidal per se, but just like a darkness around me telling me it was ok to die.

Sister....you are loved.
I promise you that.
If I could, Id give you a big hug right now and tell you its going to be ok.

Just try to do your best to lay everything in your life that even resembles evil aside......just to get your head clear.

And trust me, those things that want you are going to put up a fight.
The more you feel the lure of stuff, fight it harder.

I remmeber it was almost like quitting an addiction at times.
Id almost be going thru withdrawals from it.
like I needed a fix or something.
Just overdose on some Black Sabbath for a while.
It seems innocent enough sometimes.
But it truley is just like a diet of food.
What you take in will take its toll eventually.

We love you sister.
Just keep trying and you can even pm anyone here if you need.
Galadriel is the sweetest soul Ive ever met, so if you prefer talking to another woman, then she is a good bet for a friend.

 

[Rosa Mystica]

Lauren,

To me, it sounds like some of what you've been experiencing is the influence of your mental health conditions (am I right)? It might be more your illness than you has been in control recently. And, just b/c you're on meds doesn't mean it's impossible to be sick (I'm living proof that you can be).

I'm glad you've been doing somewhat better. I hope you stay that way.

Rosa

 

[TheMainException]

Rosa Mystica....yes...I see what you say. Thank you. This sounds very reasonable...I will take this into consideration...although I know that it is not the whole of it...but it is very much so a large part. Again, thank you.

 

[Galadriel]

Lauren,
I wouldn't be surprised if say yes it was your mental health conditions making some of the trouble, but also some spiritual influence added on top of that making it worse, and luring you to listen to those bands that will just drag you down further. I hope you are doing better, your in my thoughts nad prayers.

 

[TheMainException]

Lauren,
I wouldn't be surprised if say yes it was your mental health conditions making some of the trouble, but also some spiritual influence added on top of that making it worse, and luring you to listen to those bands that will just drag you down further. I hope you are doing better, your in my thoughts nad prayers.

Thank you, I am doing much better...and I know that your prayers were part of the reason that I am doing so much better.