Why am I so insecure in my relationship? I don't want to be like this!!

[2 Cute 4 Every 1]

I have never in my life been insecure with any guy before. Never! Some people are insecure in a relationship because they have been hurt in the past, or relationships had gone bad but I never had that. To be honest I have never been hurt by a guy, I was always the one hurting guys. I broke so many guy's hearts and when I think about it..it makes me sad sometimes. Then I met my bf whom I am with now, I wasn't insecure in the beginning....I did not even know what it felt like to be jelous or insecure. But once he told me his past, he had sex with many girls, went to clubs, partied, used to hire strippiers, etc. Slowly after time I started to not trust him even though he became Christian and left his old deeds behind. Now I am so insecure. I don't want him to be around girls, I don't let him watch tv if a girl is on, I don't let him look at girls, I don't even want him going to the gym or places where girls are. I am going insane. I feel like if I had bigger boobs, better this and that then I would not feel this way. Sometimes I think if only I could be as gorgeous and even better than the girls he was with then I will feel good about myself. But why I don't understand why I am like this is because Ive been with alot of guys who were players, or guys who had sex with way more girls than my bf has and I did not care. Besides I have cheated on my bf during our 1 yr relationship with 5 guys. I have only had sex with my bf but I have fooled around with these other guys. And all the guys I have been with I only did it for worth. I would be with a guy for expensive gifts, money, they took me to all the best places, spent everything on me, and once they started falling in love with me and wanted our relationship to be more serious I would dump them. There would be even times when I would date 2-3 guys at a time. But my bf I fell in love with, but after a yr Ive been getting more and more insecure. The more insecure I get the less I want to be with him but cannot dump him. I am afraid that if I do break up with him he will get a much better gf than me. Besides I am afraid that since he makes alot of money he will become really rich and more successful than me. I want to become successful and if my life goes great then dump him. But until then I just want him to spend his money on me and not be successful. What happened to me??? Why am I like this? I tried to get to the bottom of it, like why did this happen to me so I can change it. But I don't know where the roots started.

 

[lady_of_god]

Hello,

First off, I want to say that most women (and men) experience a certain degree of jealousy or insercurity. We want our SO all to ourselves... thats normal, but when its an obssession there are huge problems maybe about past relationships that has manifested itself in a current one. You can work through such issues as long as you can identify the cause.. Just pray and ask for guidance.

But why I don't understand why I am like this is because Ive been with alot of guys who were players, or guys who had sex with way more girls than my bf has and I did not care. Besides I have cheated on my bf during our 1 yr relationship with 5 guys. I have only had sex with my bf but I have fooled around with these other guys. And all the guys I have been with I only did it for worth. I would be with a guy for expensive gifts, money, they took me to all the best places, spent everything on me, and once they started falling in love with me and wanted our relationship to be more serious I would dump them.

Getting down to the heart of the matter, You don't have any self worth... if you have been with a guy for things (gifts, money, etc), then you don't think highly of yourself.
You've just explained to yourself why you are the way you are... because:

1. You have been unfaithful in this current relationship
2. Your past relationships has been with "players"
3. You have hurt many men in the past (you are a materialist)
4. You don't think your good enough physically (appearance wise) and also intellectually
5. You don't want anyone to be more successful then you
6. Your scare of hurt, so its' more of the "killed or be killed" mentality
7. Sex is love to you
8. Your secretive & untrustworthy
9. (and don't take offense, but this has to be said),Your immature... plain and simple.

I don't believe you know what love is. If you had then you wouldn't say " I want to become successful and if my life goes great then dump him. But until then I just want him to spend his money on me and not be successful." <--That statement is a sign of immaturity and lack of self-respect. Love is not a competition. If he meant anything to you then you wouldn't be doing or saying these things!!!

I will say this... Gal 6:7 Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.

I think you need some alone time away from relationships and become right with God. The things that you are doing or have done, needs changing. Many will say "I'm christian" but not do as the Word says. Guess i'm saying that you are headed for trouble on this path and need to repent, start studying the word of God more, ask for the Holy Spirit, learn to respect others, yourself (the temple of God), and most importantly God. You have alot of growing up to do missy!

¡OJO! You'll never know what it is to have a meaningful relationship doing all of this. Pray about all that i've said... you'll know in your Spirit i'm speaking the truth. What goes arounds does indeed come back around....

Remember: to be a christian means to be Christ-like

-Lady

 

[seangoh]

I agree with what the Lady said. You're still young and you need to be a complete individual yourself before you can pursue a relationship with anyone. There are certain things you've mentioned that make me cringe. IOW, get back on the right path first. You're still young so don't worry about relationships with guys. Perhaps it's good you break up with your current one.

 

[If Not For Grace]

"I don't want him to be around girls, I don't let him watch tv if a girl is on, I don't let him look at girls, I don't even want him going to the gym or places where girls are. I am going insane."


There is no I in TEAM--much less 5 to short a space for so many i's. If you care, really care for him you need to work on YOU and leave him alone. Grow up.

 

[Lbiagm]

maybe you are feeling guilty about your past.

 

[SirKenin]

First, judging by the first few lines of your post and combining it with your nick, I think you are already pretty high on yourself. There is a reason I am saying this, and it is not to be condescending. Your insecurities don't stem from the size of your breasts, your looks or anything else. Matter of fact I get the feeling that you think that you are all that and a bag of chips.. Sooooo... Where do we go from here?

I believe it stems from several things. The first is something called being madly in love. I have seen times when women weren't insecure until they fell hard for someone. Once they did, suddenly they became scared of losing them and did everything they could to hold onto them. The problem is that in so doing they achieved the opposite effect. The man began to squirm and eventually took off in the wrong direction.

I think you are scared of losing him because you know he has had a thing for women. He's a womanizer. Face it. They are mere objects for him. They are his playtoy. Now that you have come to face that reality you are getting the scary feeling that you are nothing but a passing fancy, that he does not feel for you as you feel for him. You are getting the feeling that the fact that you are "2 cute" is not enough. Maybe there are inadequacies within you that will come out and prove that looks are not enough. Maybe when he gets wind of them he will run.

The next thing that is worthy of note is that you are unfaithful. It is very common to think that because you are unfaithful, or had unfaithful thoughts, that your partner could do the very same thing. That is quite normal. It is easy for the guilty to presume ill intentions in others. I am not saying you cheated on this guy. I am just saying that having done that in the past, it is not out of the question for you to question the next person's faithfulness.

I know for sure, though, that if you treated me like you were treating him I would show you to the curb in a real quick hurry. I am telling you this because that is exactly what he is going to do if you don't stop. You are going to achieve the opposite effect to what you desire.

If he's going to run, he's going to run and there's nothing you can do about it. No amount of blocking him from the TV, stopping him from going to the gym, hanging out where there are other women is going to change this. You might as well let him live and be a free man. Release your strangle hold and watch what happens.

I am sure that you are a very pretty girl, but there is a lot more to a woman than looks. Now would be the right time to do some introspection and see if there might be something else that would leave a man wanting.

In closing I will say this. I used to be insecure, but over the years I have added up my strengths. I have realized I am very good at many things (including seeing right through people). I have many talents. In person I have a charisma, charm, endearing personality. I am kind, caring and considerate of others. I am very intelligent and I am also a good looking guy. I assessed the fact that women chase me. I added all this up in my head over time and said to myself "Hai, wait a minute. I have no reason to be insecure. I have a lot to offer the woman of my dreams. Give your head a shake". It took an awful lot of work on my part, but I finally arrived at the conclusion that I was a great person and had no need to be insecure. Now I have the woman of my dreams by my side and I treat her like the queen that she is. We as a couple have never been happier. You can do it too, but it's going to take some work.

As such, I wish you all the best in your endeavours.

 

[JWBZ SVT]

You've just explained to yourself why you are the way you are... because:

1. You have been unfaithful in this current relationship
2. Your past relationships has been with "players"
3. You have hurt many men in the past (you are a materialist)
4. You don't think your good enough physically (appearance wise) and also intellectually
5. You don't want anyone to be more successful then you
6. Your scare of hurt, so its' more of the "killed or be killed" mentality
7. Sex is love to you
8. Your secretive & untrustworthy
9. (and don't take offense, but this has to be said),Your immature... plain and simple.

I don't believe you know what love is. If you had then you wouldn't say " I want to become successful and if my life goes great then dump him. But until then I just want him to spend his money on me and not be successful." <--That statement is a sign of immaturity and lack of self-respect. Love is not a competition. If he meant anything to you then you wouldn't be doing or saying these things!!!

I will say this... Gal 6:7 Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.

I'm speechless. Good job of telling her the truth.

 

[meandonlyme]

really i dont know all the story only what you share but its ok to be just not to go off the deep end with it. huh i have the feelings to im my realtionship but i know i cant and do trust her i trust her with me so that means alot if you cant do the same then i think you should talk it out no sence in putin it off till you hurt more

 

[nuarc]

You are not insecure in your relationship, you are insecure in yourself.
Some people think that finding a mate will cure their insecurity.
Not True.
You just end up making their life miserable too.
Don't believe me?
Take a peek in the divorce forum!!
If you are not secure in yourself, how the heck do you expect to be secure with someone else. Leave the poor guy alone and work on your own affairs.

 

[MagicStar723]

Hello,

First off, I want to say that most women (and men) experience a certain degree of jealousy or insercurity. We want our SO all to ourselves... thats normal, but when its an obssession there are huge problems maybe about past relationships that has manifested itself in a current one. You can work through such issues as long as you can identify the cause.. Just pray and ask for guidance.




Getting down to the heart of the matter, You don't have any self worth... if you have been with a guy for things (gifts, money, etc), then you don't think highly of yourself.
You've just explained to yourself why you are the way you are... because:

1. You have been unfaithful in this current relationship
2. Your past relationships has been with "players"
3. You have hurt many men in the past (you are a materialist)
4. You don't think your good enough physically (appearance wise) and also intellectually
5. You don't want anyone to be more successful then you
6. Your scare of hurt, so its' more of the "killed or be killed" mentality
7. Sex is love to you
8. Your secretive & untrustworthy
9. (and don't take offense, but this has to be said),Your immature... plain and simple.

I don't believe you know what love is. If you had then you wouldn't say " I want to become successful and if my life goes great then dump him. But until then I just want him to spend his money on me and not be successful." <--That statement is a sign of immaturity and lack of self-respect. Love is not a competition. If he meant anything to you then you wouldn't be doing or saying these things!!!

I will say this... Gal 6:7 Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.

I think you need some alone time away from relationships and become right with God. The things that you are doing or have done, needs changing. Many will say "I'm christian" but not do as the Word says. Guess i'm saying that you are headed for trouble on this path and need to repent, start studying the word of God more, ask for the Holy Spirit, learn to respect others, yourself (the temple of God), and most importantly God. You have alot of growing up to do missy!

¡OJO! You'll never know what it is to have a meaningful relationship doing all of this. Pray about all that i've said... you'll know in your Spirit i'm speaking the truth. What goes arounds does indeed come back around....

Remember: to be a christian means to be Christ-like

-Lady

Excellent post!