I don't know if that helps any of the others on here, but it opened my eyes a few years ago. Catherineanne's comments just seem to confirm my suspicions.
I do not get the same feeling in relation to your wife as to others described here. It sounds to me (and I am not a doctor, remember, just someone on the internet) as if she might be on the autistic spectrum, rather than the narcissistic one.
It might be worth checking that one out, to see how it fits. It is a matter of patterns; what fits together with other things.
The last thing I would want to do is have everyone concluding that their spouse is pathologically narcissistic, and that there is nowhere for the marriage to go. With an NPD that would be true, but not with all narcissists, and it would not be true of someone on the autistic spectrum.
AS people will tend to find social interaction difficult, and prefer online communication. They may well be avoidant of conflict, because it overwhelms their capacity to process information, and causes huge anxiety. It is not that they put off discussing issues, they are physically incapable of doing so without great suffering. I think that is the right word. Certainly they would want to resolve conflict, but they can't cope with too much information to deal with at once, and conflict involves that. You could think of them like a computer that you ask to run ten different programmes at once; it will crash. You have to reboot and start again, and there will never be a time when your computer will be ready to process so much at once; it simply will always crash. Other people can multitask in this way, and discuss several things at once, deal with the very complex body language involved and stand their ground. AS people will disintegrate in terms of processing capability.
With such a person, if they cannot deal with conflict face to face, it might be worth suggesting that it is done in writing, from a distance (ie not in the same room), and within agreed perameters. Replicate the online experience, where they can cope. Then each person say one thing, the other respond, and stick to that one issue; no sidelines into 'and another thing, and another thing'.
Within such agreed perameters, someone on the spectrum will be able to communicate, offer suggestions, express some affection, accept compromise and ultimately reach agreement. The reason is, they can focus on the issue being discussed, and not also have to try to work out what is going on with all the other input they are getting; reading people does not come easily, they have to work hard to do it. They can't have a row at the same time. This would be better for the other person as well, because as things stand she has no way of communicating what it is that she needs.
Just something to consider, that's all.
