When he looks at other women

[kmrichard7]

I posted about it a few months back but in January i saw that my husband had been watching inappropriate content. Hed also been visiting risque facebook profiles and our relationship had started to suffer from it (the reason I felt the need to look through his phone in the first place).
He apologized repeatedly and said he understood why it was a problem and promised to not do it again. I believed him and I still do. Our relationship seems to still ne on the right track and the red flags I saw before are no longer there.
But I guess i was living in denial before because i was under the impression (since it is what he told me) that he did not regularly look at other women sexually (lust if you will).
Id caught him a couple times inthe beginning of our relationship and explained how I felt and he said he understood. I guess what he meant is that he would just get better at hiding it.
And now i see when he does it. Dont get me wrong its not all the time and during sex scenes and such (where women become naked) he will even leave the room sometimes but i notice other times when its just women dressed sexily (even Pocahontas at Disney) he will stare. I will get his attention subtly but he yends to go back to staring.
Im an attractive woman. Honestly speaking probably an 8.5-9 out of 10. But im 7 months pregnant and since I got injured last year i have been unable to exercise and put on some weight. Im over weight but by no means obese. I am 7 months pregnant and just now wearing a lsrge in womens clothing. So im not huge, just over weight. I plan to exercise again but due to a high risk pregnancy ive been put on bed rest until the baby is born. I try to make sure i dont over eat and i stay busy to keep as active as possible but weight loss isnt an option until the baby is born in two months.
So maybe im just feeling down on myself because of the weight gain. But when i catch him looking at these other women, he looks at them like he used to look at me all day every day. Now i only get that look once every few days to couple of weeks or so. I know that the spark can burn out but if he can see other women that way it just makes me feel terrible that he doesnt see me that way any more. Not like he used to.
I dont want to keep getting upset because he looks at other women, I dont want to become the jealous wife that gets upset every time he talks to an attractive woman. I dont want to be that person.
This right here, along with infidelity, is why Jesus expresses His concern for simple lust. It breaks hearts, it breaks trust, it breaks marriages and it is coveting. Saying "My spouse is not sufficient. I need more".

I dont know what to do. Just keep ignoring it until I can exercise and lose the weight? Be the jealous wife and confront him? Suck it up and get over it? Hold it in until i turn into the psycho wife? I will start with prayer when I finish this post I guess im just looking for advice, words of encouragement, opinions, anything?

Our sex life is healthy, we get along well and have fun together, we communicate regularly and hardly ever have disagreements. Heck out last fight was 5 months ago over the inappropriate content issue. Our marriage is otherwise healthy but this issue seems like it can dig a deep wedge if we let it. It started to when he was watching inappropriate content. His entire attitude toward me and how he valued me changed quite a bit and he said hed only been watching inappropriate content for a couple weeks.

I just wish I hadnt given him a reason to look elsewhere when putting on this weight. Yeah its no excuse and because of an injury its not completely my fault that i gained weight but i over ate so much that I was gaining 1-3lbs every week. I take responsibility as well, i just wish I could do more to do my part at this moment in time.

 

[ValleyGal]

There is nothing you can do to make him stop looking at other women. That is a decision that needs to come from him. Some men blame the wife for not looking as good as she did when they got married, but that is the exercise of a character defect - blame. Women's bodies change throughout life - having children, then later menopause. You can work to look as attractive as you can for your husband, but it is up to him to determine in his own heart that he will always be captivated by YOUR beauty and no one else's. He needs to be responsible for his own behaviour.

 

[kmrichard7]

There is nothing you can do to make him stop looking at other women. That is a decision that needs to come from him. Some men blame the wife for not looking as good as she did when they got married, but that is the exercise of a character defect - blame. Women's bodies change throughout life - having children, then later menopause. You can work to look as attractive as you can for your husband, but it is up to him to determine in his own heart that he will always be captivated by YOUR beauty and no one else's. He needs to be responsible for his own behaviour.

I dont expect to change him, I know any changes he makes comes from within. I just dont know how to encourage him to make that change without getting all upset. Ive discussed this with him before and I just dont think he realizes i can tell.
In February our churvh went over a series from the Song of Solomon and the whole 4 week series was about marriage and the Bibles expectations for marriages. The week on inappropriate content just so happened to be the week where the pastor discussed looking and lusting at others and that as you said, letting our spouse be the only one to captivate us.
For a couple weeks after that lesson I could tell my husband was trying but it faded rather quickly. I try to encourage my husband to make closer friendships within the church to help him grow but he wont and all his buddies go to strip clubs, cheat, or are the "typical male" that sexualizes every woman (I know this isnt truly typical but a lot of people claim it is). I know this plays a part as well but i certainly cant dictate his friend.

 

[Mudinyeri]

As, apparently, a happily married (almost 24 years) "non-typical male," (Although, my recent poll on here about lusting suggests that the 'typical male' may not be so typical) here are a few thoughts:

1. Your comment about "sex scenes" jumped out at me, as did your comment about animated characters. What "sex scenes" are you watching where he needs to walk out of the room? Perhaps, you need to jointly take a hard look at what kinds of TV, movies, videos, etc. you're watching if you're watching video content with sex scenes. The comment about animated characters and staring suggests that your husband either has some sort of "kink" for animated women or he's just trying to watch the movie.

2. Contrary to popular belief, when a man looks at another woman it doesn't necessarily mean that he is lusting after that woman or that he has somehow lessened his attraction to you or his commitment to you. I know many of us were raised on this kind of B.S. but it simply isn't true.

3. Have you asked your husband why he looks at inappropriate content? If not, you could incorporate it into your discussion about the videos your watching that have sex scenes. If so, what was his response? Perhaps, rather than simply telling him not to do it because you don't like it, you could seek to understand why he does it and deal with the root causes.

4. Finally - and this may sound a bit harsh - keep in mind that you are seven months pregnant and your hormones are doing crazy things. I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm just suggesting that you frame what you're feeling with your hormones in mind.

 

[DZoolander]

Just playing devil's advocate here...

Are you really sure he's looking lustfully at other women? It sounds like you're in an insecure place right now. When you say he's "looking at Pocahontas at Disney" - I hope you mean at the actual park and not like at the cartoon on TV...lol

Don't get me wrong. You could be completely right in your interpretation of things. But, I've also seen people interpret things through the filter of their worst fears before.

 

[kmrichard7]

Haha! Sorry I did not clarify, he is not into the anime inappropriate content. I forgot that was a thing. When I was speaking about Pocahontas it was the woman dressed as her at the Disney theme park. Not the cartoon character.
I did ask him when the inappropriate content happened why he felt the need to use inappropriate content when I was willing pretty much every night and always have been. I mean yes I was early in my pregnancy at the time and about three nights a week had to turn him down because of it but we were still rather active.
He said the problem he had in the bedroom was that I was not comfortable being undressed with him. It's true. I'd only done it maybe 5 times in our relationship at that point so I started working on it. I give him the option now and if he wants the clothes all the way off they come off. I do believe he has stopped watching inappropriate content.
I may be hormonal and overly upset, I have also gained weight causing me to be even more insecure. But I know he still looks at women. Maybe not as much and maybe I just expect too much because I'm wired differently than he is but I can see when he looks at the women like he used to look at me. I'm not as sensitive as I was when I posted this and in hindsight yes, he does give me more attention than I implied and he isn't all googly eyes for every attractive woman. I just catch him sometimes, maybe he doesn't mean to and maybe he tries not to do it and slips up. I don't know what it's like to be turned on by someones looks so I don't know if it's hard to resist the urge to stare. I've never been one into looks. I've always been into personality and intelligence. And it's easy to keep a distance from people and growing attraction when you have to get to know them to be attracted to them like that. So maybe my expectations are just too high, maybe I need to learn to give grace when he has slip ups on his own weaknesses. It sucks but I'm sure I suck at some things that he would rather I improve on

A few days of thought, prayer, and good advice can go a long way haha