When do I start worrying?

[LovebirdsFlying]

My husband and I are in our early 50's. I'm noticing some things that I don't know whether to find worrying or annoying. So many wives joke about, "Oh, that's men for you. They just don't listen," but I'm wondering if there is more to it than that.

There are constant repeated episodes of me giving him some information, and he appears to hear and understand me. He'll even acknowledge it verbally. Then, some time later, he'll ask a question or say something that makes it obvious he didn't get a word I said. I am getting SO sick and tired of having to repeat myself all the time, especially when I could not have said it any plainer or more directly the first time.

Recent examples:
Nephew who lives with us left a note that he would wash the pan he dirtied later. I verbally passed that along to my husband, who acknowledged it. "Nephew left a note that said he'll get that pan later." "OK." Later he found the note himself, and he was confused. "Huh? What pan?" It was like the earlier conversation had never happened.

I'm currently down with a virus. Yesterday I was too ill to get out of bed, so I asked him to bring me my insulin and a syringe so I could dose myself. He came back instead with my glucose testing kit. My daughter had to bring me what I actually needed and asked for. My husband is diabetic too. He knows the difference between a testing kit and a vial of insulin. In the time it took for him to walk from the bedroom to the kitchen, did he forget what I'd asked for, and only remember that it had something to do with diabetes?

I don't know how I can describe other examples concisely, but you may get the picture. In his defense he's been working a lot of overtime. What do you think is the most likely explanation? Does he have so much on his mind that he just gets his wires crossed? Is he "not listening" as in the stereotype? Or is it something else?

If I try to ask him, he'll have no idea what I'm talking about.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

My parents are in their late 50s. My mom is always saying what you are. No matter what she tells my dad he forgets. He looks like he hears her, he even acknowledges it too. But he forgets anyways. The question is is the husband doing it on purpose because he doesn't care or is it something else. In my dads case we feel like hes starting to show very early signs of alzheimer. Obviously we are not doctors so we can't make that diagnosis but having seen it enough with caregivers its concerning to us. There are little projects around the house, like putting a closet door back up that has sat there for months. We have repeatedly reminded him but he forgets. There is also a third option. And that can be maybe your husband is to distracted by his "routine" so thats why he may also not remember. We think thats possibly part of my dads problem to. TV, Roku, Bible Time....etc. His routine he focuses on to much.

It could also be as you said hes had alot of overtime. Yet again my dad has had the same the last two weeks and hes REALLY forgetful now. I know you mentioned in the past he has health issues, maybe something is acting up? I'd talk to him about it. See if he realizes hes being more forgetful. If that doesn't seem to work maybe he should get a check up and mention his forgetfulness. We took my dad a few years ago when it started and they gave him anxiety meds and it helped only a bit. I will say women are more detail oriented so they remember things better at times. I'm only in my early 30s and my wife sometimes will be like "Did you <do insert task> yet?" and I'll be like "Oh man I totally forgot. Sorry!". Still even it is a male thing, as you age its important to make sure when it gets worse that its not a sign of something else.

 

[Dave-W]

There are many things, both physical and emotional, that can affect memory. Some people are just not good at remembering. Some have too much going on in their thought life and unless something is INTENTIONALLY put into mid term or long term memory, it gets lost. If there has been a history of even very low level animus, some things may just be immediately dismissed mentally and it is gone.

And then there are things like blood sugar levels, and the levels of certain brain chemicals that can help or hinder memory.

The only way to know what it is, would be to have him checked out for memory function by a health professional who deals with this area.

 

[HannahT]

My daughter can be like that - the H at times too - and I have more success if I need something to ask them to repeat the request back to me. You'd be surprised how often they get it wrong. THEN they pay attention...lol! Yes, it is annoying.

 

[mkgal1]

In his defense he's been working a lot of overtime. What do you think is the most likely explanation? Does he have so much on his mind that he just gets his wires crossed? Is he "not listening" as in the stereotype? Or is it something else?

Without knowing your husband personally, it's difficult to say.....but working a lot of hours recently can certainly play a HUGE part in what a person absorbs. My daughter (who is only in her early 20's) can react very closely to what you're describing (so can I!) when there's a lack of sleep and too many directions to focus on. With him being diabetic as well, though.....I'd be sure that he is also watching his blood sugar. Can't a change in sleep habits (and stress) wreak havoc with that?

 

[WalksWithChrist]

My husband and I are in our early 50's. I'm noticing some things that I don't know whether to find worrying or annoying. So many wives joke about, "Oh, that's men for you. They just don't listen," but I'm wondering if there is more to it than that.

There are constant repeated episodes of me giving him some information, and he appears to hear and understand me. He'll even acknowledge it verbally. Then, some time later, he'll ask a question or say something that makes it obvious he didn't get a word I said. I am getting SO sick and tired of having to repeat myself all the time, especially when I could not have said it any plainer or more directly the first time.

Recent examples:
Nephew who lives with us left a note that he would wash the pan he dirtied later. I verbally passed that along to my husband, who acknowledged it. "Nephew left a note that said he'll get that pan later." "OK." Later he found the note himself, and he was confused. "Huh? What pan?" It was like the earlier conversation had never happened.

I'm currently down with a virus. Yesterday I was too ill to get out of bed, so I asked him to bring me my insulin and a syringe so I could dose myself. He came back instead with my glucose testing kit. My daughter had to bring me what I actually needed and asked for. My husband is diabetic too. He knows the difference between a testing kit and a vial of insulin. In the time it took for him to walk from the bedroom to the kitchen, did he forget what I'd asked for, and only remember that it had something to do with diabetes?

I don't know how I can describe other examples concisely, but you may get the picture. In his defense he's been working a lot of overtime. What do you think is the most likely explanation? Does he have so much on his mind that he just gets his wires crossed? Is he "not listening" as in the stereotype? Or is it something else?

If I try to ask him, he'll have no idea what I'm talking about.

I'm 43 and I have more issues like that than I used to. And I do work a high stress job. When I'm really stressed out, I'm way more forgetful. Like my wife can say something to me and it's like I didn't hear a word she said. Or I'll start to go get something she asked me to get and before I'm halfway across the house, I've utterly forgotten what it was. And it's very discouraging. But on days where I've got more energy and feel like myself, I'm basically normal.
I've even found that on days where I'm having trouble, I'll have issues forming basic sentences. And my head physically feels like it's in a fog.
What's helped me recently is good old coffee! No sugar or cream, black. Turns out I actually like it better this way. I still have my moments, but the coffee really does help. As does taking a rest when I need it. I left work half-day last week when when I was uber stressed out.

I dunno if your husband's issues are just stress-related or something else. It took my wife a long time to get used to my issues. Sometimes she'd take it personally, and that made me feel all the worse. I explained to her so many times to give me space when I'm stressed out and not ask me for much, because I have very little to give emotionally or in the way of helping out. And now she understands much more and can tell when I need some space.

One person I can always count on is my daughter. She seems to be able to sense when I'm in a bad state. She'll just come over to me and give me a big hug and not try to ask me a bunch of questions. That's the best thing.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I'm seeing my family doctor tomorrow. While we're at it we decided to refill my insulin. He checked in the drawer where I keep everything to see if I had test strips besides the ones in my testing kit, and I had to explain to him that "lancets" are not the same thing as test strips. If there is no box in the drawer that says "test strips" on it, then I'm running low and need to refill that too. It does puzzle me. He's diabetic also, and comes from a family full of diabetics, so how does he not know these things? Not trying to criticize, just analyze.

As for bringing me the testing kit when I needed the insulin, I asked him about it, and he said he didn't know where I kept the insulin. He's on oral meds, not insulin-dependent as I am. Well, it's in the top door shelf of a mini-fridge we keep for cold drinks. He sees me getting it night after night after night, when I routinely take my insulin, and surely he sees it there every time he re-stocks the drinks. But even if his observation skills aren't all that keen, why didn't he ask me where it was, instead of bringing me something related but not what I needed? "Well, I don't know where your insulin is, so here's your testing kit. Give yourself insulin with that."

On one hand, he does feel like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. Honestly, he needs a break, but he can't afford one right now--and then I got sick, and that means there's more medical bills he needs to pay. On the other hand, he himself is a little concerned. There is Alzheimer's in his family, and he told me on his own that he's noticing these little slips sometimes. But it could be just stress. Right?

I had a previous husband, no longer with us, who had a learning disability. You could give him instructions, he'd assure you he understood, but when you asked him to repeat back what you said, he'd have it all jumbled. I got used to having to explain everything in detail, multiple times over. The big problem is, it makes me feel like I'm a mother raising a child. If something is happening to hubby that is more than just stress and overwork, I'll need to find a way to deal with that and still see him as my equal partner.

 

[Angeldove97]

It could easily be stress. When my Mom was caring for my grandmother, he mental capacity when down the toilet and I was very concerned. After my grandmother passed, my Mom got better.

I have issues with memory - not every day to day things, but more like I don't remember memories very easily. But I went through a few years as a teen and young adult in a few very abusive relationships and they really messed up my head. Caused me a lot of depression and ongoing anxiety too. I recently read an article that scientists now have found out that depression (long term) can damage the part of your brain that makes memories - and once it is damaged, it won't heal. It scares me to think that I've forgotten a lot of things - hubby has to remind me of things that we have done - but I'm "happy" that I at least know what it going on.

 

[Odetta]

It probably wouldn't hurt to have this evaluated by a doctor. He has a lot of factors that could be contributing to this, which could be alleviated with less stress, etc. But if Alzheimers is a legitimate concern, early diagnosis would be beneficial. I pray that it is nothing more than stress. A doctor confirming that would give you peace of mind.

 

[mkgal1]

He's diabetic also, and comes from a family full of diabetics, so how does he not know these things? Not trying to criticize, just analyze.

As for bringing me the testing kit when I needed the insulin, I asked him about it, and he said he didn't know where I kept the insulin. He's on oral meds, not insulin-dependent as I am.

He probably doesn't store the information about how others manage their diabetes---and just focuses on how *he* is to manage his (which, hopefully, he *is* managing it). There's a strong resemblance between how a person with low blood sugar behaves and someone that's exhausted or has Alzheimer's. The fact that he's known to have diabetes (and is also known to be working a lot of hours)---that seems like the reasonable place to start.

 

[Mediaeval]

As I understand it, vitamin B12 is important for the brain, but after age 40 the body can efficiently absorb vitamin B12 only under the tongue. But sublingual B12 pills are pretty easy to find nowadays.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

B12 sounds like a wonderful idea. I'm sure he'd be open to it. I think his blood sugar is under good control too, but he's very good about keeping in contact with his doctor. He has to maintain a certain level of health in order to continue being certified to drive a bus. His health goes, his job goes. He's medically renewed more often than most, by law, simply because he is diabetic.

I just got back from the doctor myself. The worst is over. That was just ER followup. The biggest red flag with me is what's called bone marrow suppression, which at this stage could be nothing more than the fact that I've been bitten by a major virus. My doctor is following to see if my blood count goes back up as I recover. Red count is OK, but white count and platelets are low.

 

[DaisyDay]

It probably wouldn't hurt to have this evaluated by a doctor. He has a lot of factors that could be contributing to this, which could be alleviated with less stress, etc. But if Alzheimers is a legitimate concern, early diagnosis would be beneficial. I pray that it is nothing more than stress. A doctor confirming that would give you peace of mind.

This. I would worry if this forgetfulness is new.