What to do with Terrible Family??

[fields316_2000]

Im at a cross roads with what I should do with the gallery of family members that are very toxic.
1) my mom neglected me as a kid. beat me up, let her boyfriends beat me up , kicked me out repeatedly until i left for the military. the verbal abuse was an all time high from her to me, but not my sisters. we have different fathers; so because i look like my dad she takes her frustrations out on me just because i existed
2) this same mom alienated me from my dad's side of the family. so up until this year im learning my last name really isnt my dad's last name. she remarried when i was little but what happened was my mom named me after my grandfather. so i have a whole family that im 'not allowed to claim' (im an adult btw) as my family members.
3) i went through a terrible divorce. she got caught cheating, tried to alienate me from my kids all while slandering me to anyone that would listen from my former friends to co workers. this went on for years.

4) my mom and sisters who are just as toxic as her, love to gossip about me, judge and slander me...until they need money or some emergency they want me to help out with. if i dont, then of course im not really a christian, im manipulative a liar etc. but if i give in, im blessed man of God.

i say all this because this pattern has been going on since i became independent ; i leave them alone , they contact me to 'apologize' then some monetary situation comes up and it's back to arguing again. i've set up my boundaries that i wont be around them , if at all, for all the reasons listed above, but also they drink smoke and smoke weed. im not at all into that. as of lately, i've found that my mom and sisters are taking my ex wife and sisters to family dinners and now im getting threatening text messages from phone numbers that i've never seen before.

what would you do? ive already held my peace and not done anything - i havent even responded to the missed calls or texts. ive expressed how uncomfortable it is for my ex wife to be with my 'family' but no sooner than them not needing anything , they are right back to doing what ever they want. bible says to forgive but can i just forgive and let the exit my life completely?

 

[TravelerFarAwayFromHome]

Im at a cross roads with what I should do with the gallery of family members that are very toxic.
1) my mom neglected me as a kid. beat me up, let her boyfriends beat me up , kicked me out repeatedly until i left for the military. the verbal abuse was an all time high from her to me, but not my sisters. we have different fathers; so because i look like my dad she takes her frustrations out on me just because i existed
2) this same mom alienated me from my dad's side of the family. so up until this year im learning my last name really isnt my dad's last name. she remarried when i was little but what happened was my mom named me after my grandfather. so i have a whole family that im 'not allowed to claim' (im an adult btw) as my family members.
3) i went through a terrible divorce. she got caught cheating, tried to alienate me from my kids all while slandering me to anyone that would listen from my former friends to co workers. this went on for years.

4) my mom and sisters who are just as toxic as her, love to gossip about me, judge and slander me...until they need money or some emergency they want me to help out with. if i dont, then of course im not really a christian, im manipulative a liar etc. but if i give in, im blessed man of God.

i say all this because this pattern has been going on since i became independent ; i leave them alone , they contact me to 'apologize' then some monetary situation comes up and it's back to arguing again. i've set up my boundaries that i wont be around them , if at all, for all the reasons listed above, but also they drink smoke and smoke weed. im not at all into that. as of lately, i've found that my mom and sisters are taking my ex wife and sisters to family dinners and now im getting threatening text messages from phone numbers that i've never seen before.

what would you do? ive already held my peace and not done anything - i havent even responded to the missed calls or texts. ive expressed how uncomfortable it is for my ex wife to be with my 'family' but no sooner than them not needing anything , they are right back to doing what ever they want. bible says to forgive but can i just forgive and let the exit my life completely?

sorry to hear about your situation

I will pray for you.

 

[Hospes]

Im at a cross roads with what I should do with the gallery of family members that are very toxic.
1) my mom neglected me as a kid. beat me up, let her boyfriends beat me up , kicked me out repeatedly until i left for the military. the verbal abuse was an all time high from her to me, but not my sisters. we have different fathers; so because i look like my dad she takes her frustrations out on me just because i existed
2) this same mom alienated me from my dad's side of the family. so up until this year im learning my last name really isnt my dad's last name. she remarried when i was little but what happened was my mom named me after my grandfather. so i have a whole family that im 'not allowed to claim' (im an adult btw) as my family members.
3) i went through a terrible divorce. she got caught cheating, tried to alienate me from my kids all while slandering me to anyone that would listen from my former friends to co workers. this went on for years.

4) my mom and sisters who are just as toxic as her, love to gossip about me, judge and slander me...until they need money or some emergency they want me to help out with. if i dont, then of course im not really a christian, im manipulative a liar etc. but if i give in, im blessed man of God.

i say all this because this pattern has been going on since i became independent ; i leave them alone , they contact me to 'apologize' then some monetary situation comes up and it's back to arguing again. i've set up my boundaries that i wont be around them , if at all, for all the reasons listed above, but also they drink smoke and smoke weed. im not at all into that. as of lately, i've found that my mom and sisters are taking my ex wife and sisters to family dinners and now im getting threatening text messages from phone numbers that i've never seen before.

what would you do? ive already held my peace and not done anything - i havent even responded to the missed calls or texts. ive expressed how uncomfortable it is for my ex wife to be with my 'family' but no sooner than them not needing anything , they are right back to doing what ever they want. bible says to forgive but can i just forgive and let the exit my life completely?

Hi Fields.

It must be awful. It does sound like you are standing firm in doing right. Questions:

1. What does your faith walk look like. Do you find comfort and shelter in Christ and in the scriptures?
2. Is there a way to keep involved with your children and disengage from the rest of your family?

 

[fields316_2000]

my walk is where im getting my guilt from. theres alot of scriptures and examples of jesus turning the other cheek and expecting us to do the same. also, the story of the kid who was sold into slavery by his brothers only to be king later on...and when he found his brothers he still hugged on them and showed them love.

i wish i could have that kind of strength but i dont. God maynot be done with them yet but i am

yes i can keep 100% involved with the kids and disengage from the rest of them. it's how i havebeen managing for so long

 

[Quasicentennial]

Faith allows the immense size and volume of Christ's peace and joy to flow continuously through and around you, and through the hearts of the unwary or those with a glimmer of faith so weak, they wish for comfort in their suffering - if not exactly from your strong words of discipline or righteousness from your mouth, but at least Christ's spiritual abundance of peace and joy can be felt on a spiritual level that can be beyond logic to explain, as your Christ-mirroring peaceful attitude takes a large part of the suffering individual's brain's memory, transforming emotional turmoil into an emotional peaceful heaven - even if the flesh is carnally addicted with drugs or alcohol or pot/cigarette smoking, or afflicted with sickness:.
Your strong persistence in faith is allowing Christ to create resistance to temptation in those who are suffering, even if it does not happen overnight, Christ's Second Coming future victory return will ensure every addiction and affliction will be no more a time-wasteful habit, once we receive our:-
1) new genius-intelligent minds of Christ so that we will discover the hidden secrets of the Word of God in great depth and clarity and to ensure our future-coming new tragic-free, struggle-free lives will be filled with positive success and unbroken promises.
2) measure-perfect bodies of Christ so that every disease and disability will be under supernatural control or subjection, where genetic disorders such as dwarfism, giganticism, bad bacteria and viruses "will bow down on their knees" as they will become as harmless as a light fluffy dandelion.''*".

 

[paul1149]

my walk is where im getting my guilt from. theres alot of scriptures and examples of jesus turning the other cheek and expecting us to do the same. also, the story of the kid who was sold into slavery by his brothers only to be king later on...and when he found his brothers he still hugged on them and showed them love.

i wish i could have that kind of strength but i dont. God maynot be done with them yet but i am

yes i can keep 100% involved with the kids and disengage from the rest of them. it's how i havebeen managing for so long

Jesus never denied offense but He never let offense against Him keep Him from doing what He was called to do. One notable thing He did was simply to keep moving. Even when He met with acceptance He would at some point move on to the next town because that was His calling. If He met with rejection it would happen sooner.

The story of Joseph and his brothers in Genesis bears careful scrutiny. Joseph did not simply welcome his brothers back with open arms when they appeared. He devised an elaborate test to prove that their hearts had changed, that they had repented of their terrible deeds to him. In fact, Joseph's test appears to have been the instrument by which the brothers' repentance became manifest. It put them on the spot and they had to choose whether they were going to be the same as they were or change. Joseph's shrewd response was good not only for him, but ultimately for the brothers themselves.

 

[fields316_2000]

reading the responses with true biblical understanding has given me some real peace. thank you all. in joseph's story it wasnt him returning to the same old mess and same old relationships..it was him only returning after he witnessed repentence. it's very similar to the prodigal son

and Jesus did leave , even from the disciples. he never stuck around in the same place too long

point well taken. i can maintain my peace by NOT cursing anyone out, telling them like it is or getting revenge; i can simply dust my self off and walk away

 

[Hospes]

reading the responses with true biblical understanding has given me some real peace. thank you all. in joseph's story it wasnt him returning to the same old mess and same old relationships..it was him only returning after he witnessed repentence. it's very similar to the prodigal son

and Jesus did leave , even from the disciples. he never stuck around in the same place too long

point well taken. i can maintain my peace by NOT cursing anyone out, telling them like it is or getting revenge; i can simply dust my self off and walk away

Paul1149 does make good points; I'm glad they helped. Other passages are Jesus' instruction to, under certain circumstances, shake the dust off your feet as you leave people. And when the apostle Paul was mistreated, he did not always place himself back into the situation to be mistreated again. Jesus may one day make you able to be an influence for good in your family's life, but you need not think He always requires you to continue placing yourself in the crosshairs of people's cruelty.

Love your kids and show them a better way as best you can.

Grace to you.

 

[bottledwater]

Im at a cross roads with what I should do with the gallery of family members that are very toxic.
1) my mom neglected me as a kid. beat me up, let her boyfriends beat me up , kicked me out repeatedly until i left for the military. the verbal abuse was an all time high from her to me, but not my sisters. we have different fathers; so because i look like my dad she takes her frustrations out on me just because i existed
2) this same mom alienated me from my dad's side of the family. so up until this year im learning my last name really isnt my dad's last name. she remarried when i was little but what happened was my mom named me after my grandfather. so i have a whole family that im 'not allowed to claim' (im an adult btw) as my family members.
3) i went through a terrible divorce. she got caught cheating, tried to alienate me from my kids all while slandering me to anyone that would listen from my former friends to co workers. this went on for years.

4) my mom and sisters who are just as toxic as her, love to gossip about me, judge and slander me...until they need money or some emergency they want me to help out with. if i dont, then of course im not really a christian, im manipulative a liar etc. but if i give in, im blessed man of God.

i say all this because this pattern has been going on since i became independent ; i leave them alone , they contact me to 'apologize' then some monetary situation comes up and it's back to arguing again. i've set up my boundaries that i wont be around them , if at all, for all the reasons listed above, but also they drink smoke and smoke weed. im not at all into that. as of lately, i've found that my mom and sisters are taking my ex wife and sisters to family dinners and now im getting threatening text messages from phone numbers that i've never seen before.

what would you do? ive already held my peace and not done anything - i havent even responded to the missed calls or texts. ive expressed how uncomfortable it is for my ex wife to be with my 'family' but no sooner than them not needing anything , they are right back to doing what ever they want. bible says to forgive but can i just forgive and let the exit my life completely?

Hey fields, I just wanna say that you are not alone in this. I too am and have for most of my adult life been in the same boat, and I would imagine along with quite a few other people.
Just don't take it personal. Make it your goal to love them regardless of how they treat you.
I promise that the Lord will reward you for it, in the end.
Just editing this to say that we all love you Field, and you already know that the Lord does.

 

[Avniel]

A lot of people will always tell you to reconnect and try to be a family. The reality is that's not your mother and that's not your family. If God doesn't put it in your heart to be close to them then don't it's that simple. Do you find yourself closer to God when they are leaving you alone? That's how it was for me.

If I were you I would change my address and change my number and write a letter airing out how you feel and at the end what you forgive them for and disappear never to be heard from again. It was weights off my shoulders when I did.

Some people need family some don't. I never had a desire for a mother, I never had a yerning for a close relationship. Some people can't understand that because they either grew up with one or didn't they never had both you know.

Be free Christ doesn't want you held in bondage I'm here telling Christ wants you to be free.

 

[gennypearl]

quite a family you have. i pray for the conversion of your family, for with God nothing is impossible.

praying for you, too!

 

[BFine]

Toxic/abusive family members etc?
Love (agape) them from a comfortable distance.

 

[bottledwater]

Toxic/abusive family members etc?
Love (agape) them from a comfortable distance.

Nice.. Best advice yet.. But, what do I know.. lol..lol.. God Bless you.....

 

[Gordon Wright]

Been there. Got some horrible advice from well meaning Christians that made things worse.

First save yourself from them, and then attend to the forgiveness aspect of it.

 

[Avniel]

Been there. Got some horrible advice from well meaning Christians that made things worse.

First save yourself from them, and then attend to the forgiveness aspect of it.

The bible says flee temptations. I believe that we get so wrapped up in this law about how we need family and how we should treat our family. Different situations cause for different loving solutions.

i was on the CF for years dealing with my mother. A lot of people advised me to forgive and allow the abuse, or to forgive and set boundaries.......

Some people don't respect you enough to have boundaries enforced and some people can't deal with that disconnect. Some people need family, some people need mothers, some people grew up without that and grew past having a desire for that.

You have to live it to understand.

 

[quietpraiyze]

what would you do? ive already held my peace and not done anything - i havent even responded to the missed calls or texts. ive expressed how uncomfortable it is for my ex wife to be with my 'family' but no sooner than them not needing anything , they are right back to doing what ever they want. bible says to forgive but can i just forgive and let the exit my life completely?

These are my thoughts...

What you described sounds so very painful. It's good that you are able to interact with your children. I would suggest that you focus there and continue to strengthen those bonds. Only you know if you want to continue contact or sever ties with your family. That is your choice to make. Either way I would suggest you surrender your family to the Lord along with any bitterness and/or unforgiveness on your part. Only God can change their hearts and you don't want your heart corrupted as a result of them. Also don't forget to ask for prayer for your family, especially if you know some prayer warriors. While you may not see it, many times God is working in the background. In the meantime it might be good to draw nigh to the Lord so He can strengthen/heal you, and seek God for Wisdom. Dealing with toxic people is so draining, so you need that restoration and refreshing from the Lord. I would also say to ask the Lord to guard both your heart and your mouth so you don't get pulled back into the negativity even if you're not around them. Don't let them consume your mind. Think on good things. This may take some practice but you can do this. Don't be moved by superficial change. Real change usually involves both a change of heart and actions...consistency over time. What your dealing with is not an easy thing. This may go on for a while but God can and will protect both you and your children in the midst of it. Just stay with His peace, live your life and enjoy the good that you do have.

God bless you brother and may God's peace rule and reign in your life!

 

[HannahT]

i was on the CF for years dealing with my mother. A lot of people advised me to forgive and allow the abuse, or to forgive and set boundaries.......

Some people don't respect you enough to have boundaries enforced and some people can't deal with that disconnect. Some people need family, some people need mothers, some people grew up without that and grew past having a desire for that.

You have to live it to understand.

That's awful!

Abusive people don't respect boundaries, because they are for other people...not them. They will have a hissie over boundaries, but that doesn't mean they are wrong. Forgiveness is for ourselves, and that comes in bits and pieces at times. God sets the timeline for that, but humans want to guilt you into thinking they do. Nonsense!

Fields: You need to take those threatening texts to the police, and report them. You may need that paperwork trail down the road. You must report them each and every time you get them. That's a boundary as well.

Boundaries are hard, because people don't like them. It's hard at first to hold to them, but in time you get stronger in your resolve. They are best for both parties!

Work on your relationship with your children, because you are the only father they will ever have. It doesn't matter what other people tell them, because you will always have that special place in their hearts. People never stop to realize children grow up, and they do resent the lies and games that were played. Your an adult longer than a child majority of the time! Remember - they need you!

 

[sunshine456]

You're not alone in these scenarios as a lot of people endure atrocious environs and people on a daily basis. Sometimes for no seeming reason; however sometimes we have to let go of the things that bind us to see them for whatever they may truly be. It has been said that, "when we hold on sometimes we are held back."


2 Corinthians 6:13-18King James Version (KJV)
13 Now for a recompence in the same, (I speak as unto my children,) be ye also enlarged.

14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

15 And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel?

16 And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.

17 Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you.

18 And will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty.

Often times we lack the conviction and courage to accept the truth or accept taking action and allow righteous administration to take full control. Sometimes we have iisues that need to be addressed ourselves and are unable to discern the truth and become aware of schemes of....

"The enemy the devil is roaring around us like a lion; seeking whom it can devour."

Praise be to GOD the heavenly father and his son lord JESUS CHRIST forever>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

[Goodbook]

Something I learned in my walk was difference between forgiveness and letting go.
Forgiveness is in response to repentance.
Letting go is leaving them to their own mess. It is like sheep and goats.
You have to let the goats go their own way.

Also, God sees your situation and if theres injustices now have no doubt that if they are unrepentant He will have his vengeance.
Jesus will give you peace in your situation whatever it is.

A scripture to encourage you is 2 Corinthians 4 8-9..look it up. If Paul can declare this when he was shut in prison and being stoned, think what we can endure. (he did get out).

Also remember not to be disheartened as Jesus did warn us enemies will be of our own household. These trials and tribulations are closest to us. But they also show us that we are men and women of faith to endure such. Angels are on our side.

 

[bluegreysky]

Disconnect from them, but pray for them alot.
Find love and start a family all your own,
and rule that family fairly and justly, using your childhood family's fails
as guidelines for what NOT to do.