What about the rest of us?

[er72]

This is a question that came to me when I was reading some of the other replies in my other thread, and from some other threads on this forum here. We all know that people go for other people who are attractive to them. But not everybody is attractive. So what are we supposed to do? It seems like the only options for the singles who aren't good looking, is to choose to go for someone who is not attractive, which means you'll settle and probably won't be happy, or choose to be alone, which is kind of a crappy option too. I don't really see any other options here.

 

[Sapphyre]

The funny thing about love is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Sorry to be cheesy, but it's true. Someone you think is smokin' hot could be seen as "ugly" by someone else, and vice versa.

 

[er72]

The funny thing about love is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Sorry to be cheesy, but it's true. Someone you think is smokin' hot could be seen as "ugly" by someone else, and vice versa.

That's what people say, but I don't think that's true.

It's a nice thought, and I've said it myself to people before, but while there may be some variation from what one person says is good looking and another says isn't, it's usually slight. Usually the things one man or woman says is attractive are things most men and women would agree on. Same with things that aren't so good looking. (I'm not trying to make anyone feel down, so I apologize in advance if I do, but this is something I don't know how to accept in my life.)

 

[Thunder Peel]

Being alone isn't so bad. I've been alone for 24 years and 10 months of my life. It's what you make it.

 

[Sapphyre]

True, there are general standards of beauty for a reason. But the other part of it is that when you're in love (sometimes even just a crush) you see that person differently than others do. Maybe that person wouldn't catch your eye as a stranger, but once you develop feelings for them your perception starts to change. You can argue that it's slight, and you might be right, but I've seen it happen too many times to deny that it's real.

 

[* kittie *]

I think we should separate "this person is attractive" and "I'm attracted to this person". The first being about physical attractiveness...which is only a part of attraction.

Like for instance, I'm not going to say that the guy I like is the most physically attractive person I know. I know there are other guys who are really good looking. But even though I may say "yes this person B is very attractive"...it doesn't mean I'm attracted to person B...cause it's meaningless and doesn't go very deep.

That's just me though. Of course we're all different and there are those who get together with someone who they find to be cute. Personally...that's not my thing and I would never date someone I didn't already know and was friends with.
Certainly there are features I like...but even those may change with time.

 

[RayofSun]

That's what people say, but I don't think that's true.

It's a nice thought, and I've said it myself to people before, but while there may be some variation from what one person says is good looking and another says isn't, it's usually slight. Usually the things one man or woman says is attractive are things most men and women would agree on. Same with things that aren't so good looking. (I'm not trying to make anyone feel down, so I apologize in advance if I do, but this is something I don't know how to accept in my life.)

Nope, I really think it's true!
Sure good looking people may have that tongue tying effect on us all, but it's not like just because I find someone attractive I'm going to jump at their the proposal. I think it's happened to everybody where you meet someone that some might describe as a "hottie" but then after a couple minutes their personality is so unappealing it's difficult to find the physical appeal any longer. When it comes down to looking for someone for an actual relationship, personality can really influence someone's attractiveness. And no I don't just mean the person having a generic "great personality", but truly being able to connect with a person is very very attractive. Well at least this is how things work from my perspective and for me, and with 6.7 billion people in the world I'm sure there's someone else who thinks this way too.

plus... on the upside for all the fellas out there according to my dyadic relations textbook I was just reading; when looking for a long term mate women are less likely to look at physical attractiveness in comparison to men. So it's really us women that should be more worried.

Sorry if I rambled a bit, it's getting late

 

[er72]

Being alone isn't so bad. I've been alone for 24 years and 10 months of my life. It's what you make it.

I find it's hell. Don't get me wrong, it's not that bad. Being alone is good.

But being in a relationship is so much better.

For me, it's a fate worse than death to never have another relationship, fall in love and get married.

 

[er72]

True, there are general standards of beauty for a reason. But the other part of it is that when you're in love (sometimes even just a crush) you see that person differently than others do. Maybe that person wouldn't catch your eye as a stranger, but once you develop feelings for them your perception starts to change. You can argue that it's slight, and you might be right, but I've seen it happen too many times to deny that it's real.

No that's definitely true.

The problem is, for people who aren't so attractive, what are we supposed to do? If someone won't even give you the time of day when you meet them, nothing is going to happen in lieu of falling in love. That takes time to happen. It seems like a guy has to find a sneaky way of slipping in "through the backdoor" or under the radar somehow.

 

[ks777]

Being alone isn't so bad. I've been alone for 24 years and 10 months of my life. It's what you make it.

Your profile says youre 25. Did you break it off with your missus when you were 2 months old or something?

 

[Perhaps Today]

The funny thing about love is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Sorry to be cheesy, but it's true. Someone you think is smokin' hot could be seen as "ugly" by someone else, and vice versa.

I couldn't agree more. What I find attractive and what society considers attractive isn't always the same. I value the person for who they are on the inside and not only on their looks. One doesn't have to look like a model to be attractive in my eyes.

 

[kevlite2020]

This is a question that came to me when I was reading some of the other replies in my other thread, and from some other threads on this forum here. We all know that people go for other people who are attractive to them. But not everybody is attractive. So what are we supposed to do? It seems like the only options for the singles who aren't good looking, is to choose to go for someone who is not attractive, which means you'll settle and probably won't be happy, or choose to be alone, which is kind of a crappy option too. I don't really see any other options here.

Blind post: here's what ya do...

Step 1: realize that looks are subjective, and the only person that needs to think you are attractive is you, so you can have the confidence to meet/attract people.

Step 1 B: if you cannot find yourself attractive, do what you can to change that view, ie: work out, diet, new haircut, etc.

Step 2: talk to the opposite sex. Lots. Get to know people. Find out what attracts you. You might be surprised that some of the people you are attracted to may not be super model hotties. They might just be your average girl next door, but you will find them attractive.

Step 3: with your confidence over your looks, and your refined skill for talking to people of the opposite sex, as well as your knowledge of what you find attractive, try asking some people out on dates. Remember, the worst that happens is they say no and you move on with your life. A rejection isn't a reflection on you, it's just a person recognizing that you aren't their type (or that they aren't in a position to date).

 

[Inkachu]

First of all, I don't subscribe to the "everyone has someone who thinks they're beautiful/handsome" jargon. I just don't. I think that's a line that feel-gooders came up with, and it's repeated incessantly to ease hurt feelings.

Some people are gorgeous, and some are ugly. Ugly is not beautiful, and never will be. Some people will remain single because of their appearance, no matter how awesome their insides are. That's just the harsh reality of life. Variety may be the spice of life, but it's also markedly unfair...but then again, life IS unfair.

Now, do I think it's HOPELESS for the ugly among us? Not at all. There are, and will always be, the rare individuals out there who value internal characteristics over the external. Those are the people who give me hope, though there's so few of them, it's tragic. And these people shouldn't be confused with those who have such rampantly low self-esteem themselves, that they purposefully seek out unattractive partners to boost their own morale, or to have someone to trample on to make themselves feel more powerful, or because they have some sick fetish about the morbidly obese, etc. It's a person who loves you in spite of your appearance, not because of it, that is worth finding and holding onto. And that goes for the beautiful people as well. You want someone who loves you because you're beautiful? If you do, they'll just dump you for the next better-looking person who comes along.

Bottom line: find someone who loves you for who you are. Even if takes 50 years.

 

[er72]

First of all, I don't subscribe to the "everyone has someone who thinks they're beautiful/handsome" jargon. I just don't. I think that's a line that feel-gooders came up with, and it's repeated incessantly to ease hurt feelings.

Some people are gorgeous, and some are ugly. Ugly is not beautiful, and never will be. Some people will remain single because of their appearance, no matter how awesome their insides are. That's just the harsh reality of life. Variety may be the spice of life, but it's also markedly unfair...but then again, life IS unfair.

Now, do I think it's HOPELESS for the ugly among us? Not at all. There are, and will always be, the rare individuals out there who value internal characteristics over the external. Those are the people who give me hope, though there's so few of them, it's tragic. And these people shouldn't be confused with those who have such rampantly low self-esteem themselves, that they purposefully seek out unattractive partners to boost their own morale, or to have someone to trample on to make themselves feel more powerful, or because they have some sick fetish about the morbidly obese, etc. It's a person who loves you in spite of your appearance, not because of it, that is worth finding and holding onto. And that goes for the beautiful people as well. You want someone who loves you because you're beautiful? If you do, they'll just dump you for the next better-looking person who comes along.

Bottom line: find someone who loves you for who you are. Even if takes 50 years.

Man that's depressing.

 

[MacFall]

I think we should separate "this person is attractive" and "I'm attracted to this person". The first being about physical attractiveness...which is only a part of attraction.

Like for instance, I'm not going to say that the guy I like is the most physically attractive person I know. I know there are other guys who are really good looking. But even though I may say "yes this person B is very attractive"...it doesn't mean I'm attracted to person B...cause it's meaningless and doesn't go very deep.

FTW.

Not everyone uses physical appearance as their sole - or only their primary - standard of attraction; and I would say that those who do are less worth your time than those who don't. I've been attracted to ladies who are well outside of what would normally be considered pretty, because they impressed me with their personality, sense of humor, and intellect. And while I will acknowledge that a woman is pretty or cute when I see her, that means almost nothing to me until I find out what her mind and spirit are like. I don't mean to say I don't have physical standards. I would have a hard time being attracted to a girl who is bigger than I am (and I'm a pretty big guy). But I won't say it couldn't happen.

I have no illusions of impressing any girl that interests me with my looks. But I also don't believe I'm anything special in my willingness to get to know a person rather than rejecting them based on their looks, so I expect to meet women who will do the same. And I wouldn't want a woman who wanted me just based on my looks, anyway.

 

[KingCrimson250]

I would also distinguish between physical attractiveness and physical attraction. The second doesn't always require the first and usually comes from a random chemical reaction in your brain. I know I've had a few girls who I've fallen for who afterwards I've realized weren't really anything to look at. So don't sweat it. And especially with guys, there are a lot of girls I've met who value confidence far more than appearance.

 

[enelya_taralom]

Hi er72,

I have no answers, but can say that I know how you feel. I'm 29 never had a boyfriend and have had to watch all my younger siblings and friends find love and be happy... so just know you're not alone! !

 

[Inkachu]

Man that's depressing.

:shrugs: It doesn't have to be, lol. I'm not beautiful, I'm not really attracted to what society says are "hot" guys. I'm fine with those facts. They are what they are, and there's so much more to my life than my looks.

 

[Im_A]

This is a question that came to me when I was reading some of the other replies in my other thread, and from some other threads on this forum here. We all know that people go for other people who are attractive to them. But not everybody is attractive. So what are we supposed to do? It seems like the only options for the singles who aren't good looking, is to choose to go for someone who is not attractive, which means you'll settle and probably won't be happy, or choose to be alone, which is kind of a crappy option too. I don't really see any other options here.

Well attraction is subjective. If you want to live in self-depressive mentalities because some people don't find you attractive, then I pity you. You can't please everyone. Facts are we will always find someone we are not attracted to and we will always find someone who isn't attractive to ourselves. Even people with great physical looks can be and many a times are unattractive and just as so as someone that is supposedly unattractive.

I believe in high self-esteem, know the flaws that we have in ourselves and the wonderful things we have about ourselves and accept both equally and always focus on the good and work on the flaws to the best of our ability instead of worrying we reach some societal par of attraction.

Plus...unless you practice polygamy, or a polyamory, why in the world are you worried about reaching that societal level of par for attraction. At the end of the day, aren't you only going to find yourself concerned to be attractive to just one person? Sure we are all want to be attractive to others but you will reach that point that you can never succeed and reach. So make it easier to succeed for yourself. It is not that hard to really do.

 

[Gabe7]

If you are ugly there are options. Ugly women need love too and they may not look so bad when the lights are low. You could do what you can to become more attractive. I know a guy who did that and he did better with women than many more attractive men. There is always the despised pickup artist way of running game. You should only check that out as a last resort as it is forbidden according to official dating standards. If you start running PUA game you will become a renegade, to be feared and misunderstood at the slightest provocation.