***Please, I need to know what to call this so I can finally move on from it. My apologies for the length and the details, I have to be honest.***
Last year, a coworker pursued me in friendship. We became great friends. He long knew, as did all of our mutual friends, that I was/am asexual (not sexually attracted to either gender- I have Bible verses to back me up so don't get side tracked!)
-6 months of consistant pressure to date him ("Give him a chance! He's a good guy!" Etc), and because of our good friendship, I agreed. Honestly, I expected to date him for a week and then amicably end it.-
It started off as best friends. We hung out and walked to walmart every day after work. It seemed so much fun that I ignored two red flags:
1. He said he loved me within the first week on dating.
2. When we were just friends, he "admitted" that the reason his past gfs broke up with him were because he didn't want to have sex. But once we started dating he started acting very sexually. He would "jokingly" touch my butt, say my b.o. from work turned him on, among other things- then claim that he did/say those things so I could exercise my right to say no.
My life changed immediately one day as he let his rage loose over a small thing I did (it was an accident). He raged for hours, despite my apologies and explanations. He would yell/curse at me as loudly as possible and tell me what a bad gf/human being I was. He called me unrepeatable things. He would suddenly flip in the middle of a rage and act sad/depressed, saying he did all these things for me and that no one took care of me like he did.
This scene then became nearly everyday of my existence. He stopped me from seeing my friends, demanded that I leave immediately from work every night and not tie up loose ends, we couldn't even hang out with people in groups because I would "ignore him". He was extremely jealous, controlling, volatile and berating every day.
Then came the sexual problems.
He grew up Catholic and I was Christian. I told him before dating that I had been sexually abused throughout childhood (neighbor kid, teacher, janitor, grandfather). Even though I am healed of that PTSD, he knew that I didnt like sex. He agreed, he wasn't interested either.
At first when kissing, he started to touch inappropriately, I would say "stop, what are you doing, don't do that, I don't like it." He would reply, "See, you're learning boundaries! You can't let everyone walk on you."
---But that progressed QUICKLY once his controlling/angry side appeared.
He would hold me tightly in an embrace and then begin to finger me. I would tell him several times to stop before he would stop. He would then say things to make me feel bad and guilty for putting my foot down. Soon, he developed a habit of whenever we were watching a movie, he would pull me onto him and play with my genitals like I was his lifesized doll. *Whenever these sexual things would happen, I would physically freeze like a deer in headlights. I could not move, think, or do anything.* Creepily enough, whenever he did this, he would never look me in the eye, or face, rather just stare off into the distance with no expression or without a word.
Eventually, kissing would turn into him stripping me naked or nearly (while he was almost always fully clothed). He would physically hold me down or manuever me so he could preform oral sex on me. It didn't matter how many times I told him No or to Stop (it was A LOT). I told him I didnlt like it, that I didn't want it, it bothered me, it was wrong but he stopped listening to me.
Like i said, when these sexual things happened, I was paralyzed. I couldn't move or yell, just say stop/NO. Once my leg broke free and I kicked him in the face, but he held my leg down and kept doing his business.
Anytime we weren't in a sexual situation, I would try to explain that it was a sin and I didn't want to do those things. But he never listened.
He would physically pin my hand over his gentials and try to rub him. I tried to withdraw but he held my hand there. Eventually, he started liftig his underwear and holding my hand against his bare skin. He often forced me to give him a hand job.
Then one day, he started to get mad at me while performing on me. I started to freak inside because he would get frustrated during these times but not explosively angry like every other situation. He was angry that I wasn't responding sexually and yelled at me for being a worthless jerk.
So... (this is the hardest part for me), I forced myself to like it.
I made myself enjoy it and it broke me mentally, physically and spiritually. He became estatic. I TOLD him, despite that, i don't want to have sex. I knew in my heart that this wasn't me.
He "agreed" but after a few minutes, pulled me on top of him. What I didn't know was that he had secretly pushed his shorts off to the side and was pulling me onto his exposed gentials. I froze again when I realized. I asked him, "Did you mean to do this to me?" The look on his face when he said yes haunts me still. It was sick. It was like the joker getting gleefully caught. I have never seen a humans face look like that.
I was able to barely roll off because I couldn't move, think or scream. He thankfully stopped because he thought I was a turn off.
There were plenty of other things he did to me: covered my chest in his bodily fluids because he wanted to "paint me and own me", force me to enjoy giving him hand jobs (put a smile on that face! Now kiss me while your at it!), and much more.
After a few months of dating, when he considered I was fully in his control, he stopped sexually acting out. He returned mostly to his uninterested in sex self (although still explosively angry every day).
I broke up with him nearly 10 months ago (ironically, it wasn't because of all this. Rather because I had been fasting and praying that he would be a better man and that I would stop being the problem in the relationship [he had made me believe from day one that i was the scum of the earth and the reason for every bad thing that happened in the relationship] and God replied, "Break up with him because he is not Godly enough"). It was the hardest thing to end it, I was so afraid. He made me so afraid back then.
I have now pretty much moved on with my life, becoming incredibly happy in being single again (and slowly restored to my true self physically and mentally).
However, I have been suffering from unrelenting, VIVID nightmares about people, kids and/or me being kidnapped, raped, molested, murdered or all of the above. The other night, I was beginning to close my eyes and before I did, I heard a woman screaming. I knew that it was a woman being beaten by her husband and that if I closed my eyes, I would immediately dream of the woman and see her husband beating her. So I opened my eyes.
Recently, I've begun to think that maybe the nightmares are from the situations discribed above. Ive asked God's forgiveness many, many times. I've also asked for Him to forgive my ex. I try to forgive my ex any time I think about the past. I thought I had accepted it.
I need to know so that I can heal:
Was this repeated rape? Or sexual abuse? Or was this my fault and I am putting too much stress into it?
Even as I write this post, I started to shake so bad that I couldn't type. My heat was beating out of my chest. Normally, I don't have those responses but I also don't try to remember (especially in detail) what happened.
I feel so guilty and sinful. It's different because this all happened as I was an adult (23-24). Everything else happened when I was a kid. I should have been able to stop him. He was my friend and boyfriend. The world today thinks sex is owed in a relationship- how could it be rape?
Last year, a coworker pursued me in friendship. We became great friends. He long knew, as did all of our mutual friends, that I was/am asexual (not sexually attracted to either gender- I have Bible verses to back me up so don't get side tracked!)
-6 months of consistant pressure to date him ("Give him a chance! He's a good guy!" Etc), and because of our good friendship, I agreed. Honestly, I expected to date him for a week and then amicably end it.-
It started off as best friends. We hung out and walked to walmart every day after work. It seemed so much fun that I ignored two red flags:
1. He said he loved me within the first week on dating.
2. When we were just friends, he "admitted" that the reason his past gfs broke up with him were because he didn't want to have sex. But once we started dating he started acting very sexually. He would "jokingly" touch my butt, say my b.o. from work turned him on, among other things- then claim that he did/say those things so I could exercise my right to say no.
My life changed immediately one day as he let his rage loose over a small thing I did (it was an accident). He raged for hours, despite my apologies and explanations. He would yell/curse at me as loudly as possible and tell me what a bad gf/human being I was. He called me unrepeatable things. He would suddenly flip in the middle of a rage and act sad/depressed, saying he did all these things for me and that no one took care of me like he did.
This scene then became nearly everyday of my existence. He stopped me from seeing my friends, demanded that I leave immediately from work every night and not tie up loose ends, we couldn't even hang out with people in groups because I would "ignore him". He was extremely jealous, controlling, volatile and berating every day.
Then came the sexual problems.
He grew up Catholic and I was Christian. I told him before dating that I had been sexually abused throughout childhood (neighbor kid, teacher, janitor, grandfather). Even though I am healed of that PTSD, he knew that I didnt like sex. He agreed, he wasn't interested either.
At first when kissing, he started to touch inappropriately, I would say "stop, what are you doing, don't do that, I don't like it." He would reply, "See, you're learning boundaries! You can't let everyone walk on you."
---But that progressed QUICKLY once his controlling/angry side appeared.
He would hold me tightly in an embrace and then begin to finger me. I would tell him several times to stop before he would stop. He would then say things to make me feel bad and guilty for putting my foot down. Soon, he developed a habit of whenever we were watching a movie, he would pull me onto him and play with my genitals like I was his lifesized doll. *Whenever these sexual things would happen, I would physically freeze like a deer in headlights. I could not move, think, or do anything.* Creepily enough, whenever he did this, he would never look me in the eye, or face, rather just stare off into the distance with no expression or without a word.
Eventually, kissing would turn into him stripping me naked or nearly (while he was almost always fully clothed). He would physically hold me down or manuever me so he could preform oral sex on me. It didn't matter how many times I told him No or to Stop (it was A LOT). I told him I didnlt like it, that I didn't want it, it bothered me, it was wrong but he stopped listening to me.
Like i said, when these sexual things happened, I was paralyzed. I couldn't move or yell, just say stop/NO. Once my leg broke free and I kicked him in the face, but he held my leg down and kept doing his business.
Anytime we weren't in a sexual situation, I would try to explain that it was a sin and I didn't want to do those things. But he never listened.
He would physically pin my hand over his gentials and try to rub him. I tried to withdraw but he held my hand there. Eventually, he started liftig his underwear and holding my hand against his bare skin. He often forced me to give him a hand job.
Then one day, he started to get mad at me while performing on me. I started to freak inside because he would get frustrated during these times but not explosively angry like every other situation. He was angry that I wasn't responding sexually and yelled at me for being a worthless jerk.
So... (this is the hardest part for me), I forced myself to like it.
I made myself enjoy it and it broke me mentally, physically and spiritually. He became estatic. I TOLD him, despite that, i don't want to have sex. I knew in my heart that this wasn't me.
He "agreed" but after a few minutes, pulled me on top of him. What I didn't know was that he had secretly pushed his shorts off to the side and was pulling me onto his exposed gentials. I froze again when I realized. I asked him, "Did you mean to do this to me?" The look on his face when he said yes haunts me still. It was sick. It was like the joker getting gleefully caught. I have never seen a humans face look like that.
I was able to barely roll off because I couldn't move, think or scream. He thankfully stopped because he thought I was a turn off.
There were plenty of other things he did to me: covered my chest in his bodily fluids because he wanted to "paint me and own me", force me to enjoy giving him hand jobs (put a smile on that face! Now kiss me while your at it!), and much more.
After a few months of dating, when he considered I was fully in his control, he stopped sexually acting out. He returned mostly to his uninterested in sex self (although still explosively angry every day).
I broke up with him nearly 10 months ago (ironically, it wasn't because of all this. Rather because I had been fasting and praying that he would be a better man and that I would stop being the problem in the relationship [he had made me believe from day one that i was the scum of the earth and the reason for every bad thing that happened in the relationship] and God replied, "Break up with him because he is not Godly enough"). It was the hardest thing to end it, I was so afraid. He made me so afraid back then.
I have now pretty much moved on with my life, becoming incredibly happy in being single again (and slowly restored to my true self physically and mentally).
However, I have been suffering from unrelenting, VIVID nightmares about people, kids and/or me being kidnapped, raped, molested, murdered or all of the above. The other night, I was beginning to close my eyes and before I did, I heard a woman screaming. I knew that it was a woman being beaten by her husband and that if I closed my eyes, I would immediately dream of the woman and see her husband beating her. So I opened my eyes.
Recently, I've begun to think that maybe the nightmares are from the situations discribed above. Ive asked God's forgiveness many, many times. I've also asked for Him to forgive my ex. I try to forgive my ex any time I think about the past. I thought I had accepted it.
I need to know so that I can heal:
Was this repeated rape? Or sexual abuse? Or was this my fault and I am putting too much stress into it?
Even as I write this post, I started to shake so bad that I couldn't type. My heat was beating out of my chest. Normally, I don't have those responses but I also don't try to remember (especially in detail) what happened.
I feel so guilty and sinful. It's different because this all happened as I was an adult (23-24). Everything else happened when I was a kid. I should have been able to stop him. He was my friend and boyfriend. The world today thinks sex is owed in a relationship- how could it be rape?
