Wanting to be comfortable!

[Rhye]

First, I apologize cause I am not sure exactly how to ask this question.

So here goes the bad attempt:

Do you want to ever go into a relationship only because it is comfortable?
If you have or want too, do you believe it lasts?

I don't mean comfortable that you can't be yourself, etc. But that you don't have to work on wanting more with that person because you both have accepted the same things and don't really want to go anywhere from there on. (I'm not sure if that helps anymore or less...just your opinions on the term and/or examples would be great!)

 

[IreneAdler]

I don't think I've ever started one for that reason, but I've not ended one for that reason for sure. I'm not one who accepts a relationship that stagnates but I think maybe it's easier sometimes to be where I am than to risk something else sometimes. Don't know if that helps YOU - lol. Sorry if it doesn't.

 

[Touma]

While it would be nice to have that stability and not have to worry about always looking for "that person", one must also realize that getting into the relationship is just the first step. If you want a great relationship, you have to still have to pursue that person you are with. Like Irene said, being in a stagnant relationship is not acceptable. Its always work, but work that is worth it.

So I would say that if you face a situation where you are in a relationship that isn't really going anywhere you 1) talk with the other person and try to re-ignite a flame that gets things moving again, 2) split up.

 

[Stravinsk]

First, I apologize cause I am not sure exactly how to ask this question.

So here goes the bad attempt:

Do you want to ever go into a relationship only because it is comfortable?
If you have or want too, do you believe it lasts?

I don't mean comfortable that you can't be yourself, etc. But that you don't have to work on wanting more with that person because you both have accepted the same things and don't really want to go anywhere from there on. (I'm not sure if that helps anymore or less...just your opinions on the term and/or examples would be great!)

Without risk - no reward awaits. I smell fear. It sucks alot of people into complacency - myself included. This applies to all life areas, relationships included.

 

[IreneAdler]

Yeah, I agree it's a fear thing most likely. Being on your own is hard sometimes and when you don't have someone to turn to and lean on it really can be awful (but it can also make you a stronger person).

 

[Rhye]

I don't think I've ever started one for that reason, but I've not ended one for that reason for sure. I'm not one who accepts a relationship that stagnates but I think maybe it's easier sometimes to be where I am than to risk something else sometimes. Don't know if that helps YOU - lol. Sorry if it doesn't.

That makes sense, and it does help with understanding.
And this isn't about me, just to clarify. But, now that I think about it, it would have been years ago if the relationship did not end.

While it would be nice to have that stability and not have to worry about always looking for "that person", one must also realize that getting into the relationship is just the first step. If you want a great relationship, you have to still have to pursue that person you are with. Like Irene said, being in a stagnant relationship is not acceptable. Its always work, but work that is worth it.

So I would say that if you face a situation where you are in a relationship that isn't really going anywhere you 1) talk with the other person and try to re-ignite a flame that gets things moving again, 2) split up.

I don't think its just not going anywhere, what if its cause they want the same things, but you are just afraid because the person you do want to be with is going to challenge you to have more, want more, and in some ways that you will love that person even more deeply. Humm, fear it is I suppose.

But other thoughts on this would be great.

 

[Allen1901]

First, I apologize cause I am not sure exactly how to ask this question.

So here goes the bad attempt:

Do you want to ever go into a relationship only because it is comfortable?
If you have or want too, do you believe it lasts?

I don't mean comfortable that you can't be yourself, etc. But that you don't have to work on wanting more with that person because you both have accepted the same things and don't really want to go anywhere from there on. (I'm not sure if that helps anymore or less...just your opinions on the term and/or examples would be great!)

Are you talking about settling?
Marrying someone you don't really love, just because you are compatible?

No. I would not.

 

[Rhye]

Are you talking about settling?
Marrying someone you don't really love, just because you are compatible?

No. I would not.

Yes, in many ways I am talking about settling. But, don't you believe even if you did settle you can still love that person you are with? Don't you believe in some ways love does happen soon or later with that person? It might not be the kind of love we imagine it to be but its still love. Does that make sense? Well, it isn't fair to the person you are with.

 

[IreneAdler]

Love doesn't equate to being able to live with someone. You can love someone passionately that's not a very good person, and you can be apathetic about someone who is a fabulous human being. I don't think the person you marry has to be the "great love of your life" but I think that the other parts of the relationship, the friendship, the compatibility, the morals, etc. have to be above and beyond in order for it to be worth it.

 

[white dove]

Do you want to ever go into a relationship only because it is comfortable?
If you have or want too, do you believe it lasts?

I don't mean comfortable that you can't be yourself, etc. But that you don't have to work on wanting more with that person because you both have accepted the same things and don't really want to go anywhere from there on. (I'm not sure if that helps anymore or less...just your opinions on the term and/or examples would be great!)

I want a certain level of comfort in my relationships. For the man that I may marry (if that's a realistic option for me), I want to be comfortable with him and settle into our life together and I wouldn't marry a man who didn't want the same things I do. But, I don't want to get comfortable in these respects:

1. Not feeling the need to impress each other every once in awhile once married
2. Not feeling the need to challenge, encourage and strengthen each other in healthy ways
3. Not feeling the need to strive for more in our life together, whether that be a house, travels/experiences or even children
4. Feeling as though trying, whether that be with regard to physical appearance (like working out and eating decently) or aiming for newness in our relationship (not letting the spark waste away or fade out) is a waste of time and who cares anyway cuz we're hitched?

No. I don't want those things.

 

[Allen1901]

Yes, in many ways I am talking about settling. But, don't you believe even if you did settle you can still love that person you are with? Don't you believe in some ways love does happen soon or later with that person? It might not be the kind of love we imagine it to be but its still love. Does that make sense?

I love everybody, but I'm not IN LOVE with everybody
( or even anybody just now). I couldn't marry someone
I wasn't in love with.

 

[Reneemo4]

Yes, in many ways I am talking about settling. But, don't you believe even if you did settle you can still love that person you are with? Don't you believe in some ways love does happen soon or later with that person? It might not be the kind of love we imagine it to be but its still love. Does that make sense? Well, it isn't fair to the person you are with.

Two thoughts popped into my head on this topic.

First off, I stayed in a relationship for two and a half years in a 'settled' place. We weren't compatible and we got comfy, and I was still scared outta my head to be alone so I didn't let go easily. There is still a part of me that misses having that SO but only because it's a hard load to carry all by myself! We would have made it with each other, but we definitely lacked joy in the relationship, and when he walked I came to realize that it had to be that way.

The other is that I do believe that many, many marriages in older generations 'settled' (to use that term). Divorce wasn't as big an option and people just learned to live with each other! My grandparents were not madly in love, but never ever did divorce ever enter the picture, you just didn't do that. But they did love each other. And they made it work. (And in no way am I condoning just sticking it out, because there are lots of times where marriages just shouldn't be.)

I dunno...I understand the feelings behind your questions. I'm better at that than words sometimes. But do I believe we should just find what's comfy and not pursue what's beyond our comfort zone? Nope. And trust me, I'm the QUEEN of comfy, lol! Sometimes I'd just rather...