Waiting for more "effort"

[displacedspirit]

Hey everyone,

Wanted to get peoples advice on my situation. I have been married over 10 years to my husband. Generally he's been a good husband. We've never had any major marriage issues. Over the last year and a half there have been some negative changes to our relationship. He took a promotion that caused him to work a crazy amount of hours and caused a lot of stress for him. It naturally flowed over into our marriage. He became distant and short tempered (caused by the stress). There were a number of times where I came to him with my concerns and he would either brush them off or get angry that I wasn't appreciating all his hard work and I was being too sensitive and selfish. About 4 months ago he stepped down from that position because he couldn't deal with the stress anymore (Thank the Lord). Even though he is less stressed and has more time for me he hasn't much changed when it comes to conflicts. I am feeling, still, neglected at times, not appreciated, and any time I talk to him about a topic he may not agree with he automatically deems me "disrespectful" and will blow up on me. There have been times in our marriage where I felt I couldn't even talk to my own husband out of fear of his reaction and misunderstanding, but never more then now.

I asked him today to be praying for me as I am struggling with our relationship. He said he would and asked me to pray for him as well and that he knows he needs to "put more effort into it". He has said this to me in the past but I don't really notice a difference usually. To him, merely saying he will do something means he actually is doing it. (He is good at talking but not so good on follow through).So my question is, what do I do while I wait for him to show more effort, besides pray for him? Do I just go on like everything is fine knowing that if Im not obviously mad at him he will think he is actually doing something? Do I bring it up again if I haven't seen a difference? Should I ask him what specifically he plans to do?

 

[ml5363]

Def keep. Praying...maybe mention it time to time...have you seen fireproof? Basically it was change how u treat ur spouse by how u want to be treated..do nice things to rekindle...as time goes on he should pick up and do things as well...process in movie was 30 days

 

[johndoo]

I'm not sure, but here are some thoughts.
He may be dysthymic, low level depression, which would explain irritability, distant.
He may have passive-aggressive traits. This exists on a spectrum and he doesn't sound too bad. I say this mostly based on your statement that he falls short on the follow-through, action.
What do you guys think about marriage counseling?
The benefit for you both is an objective third person to help teach conflict resolution and offer suggestions.
You have a love-language to be affirmed, appreciated and maybe he doesn't understand that.

 

[displacedspirit]

ml5363- I have seen Fireproof, although its been a while, maybe I should rewatch it. Thank you!

johndoo- I had suspected that he may be slightly depressed during the time he was overworking and even asked him about it. He said he didn't feel depressed and it was just stressed out, but since he's not in that position anymore wouldn't you think he would be feeling better? Have a better attitude? As far as counseling goes, I have suggested it a few times throughout our marriage and Im usually met with the same response. "Any problem you have is your own problem and maybe you should go talk to someone". I had almost forgotten I married a perfect man that can do no wrong. (Pride is obviously something we've had to deal with). We know each other love-language. I do my best to speak his. He doesn't feel its necessary to speak mine I guess.

 

[ml5363]

my husband and i were at odds for years...thankfully though last sept we found a church we both like...he accepted christ and things have changed drastically since then....are you guys both in a church you are happy and being fed spirtually?

 

[displacedspirit]

ml5363- This has been an issue in the last year or so. His old schedule had him working 6 days a week. His only day off was Sunday so he wasn't up to going to church, a lot. I would still go sometimes but not as often as I should. When he got off of his crazy schedule we starting looking for a new church. He grew up a PK so he seemed to be very picky about any church we went to (there as always at least one thing he didn't like) I told him no church is going to be perfect so please stop this. I know this is a huge part of the negativity going on right now. I just hope we can starting going back to church and it will make a difference. Its just so heartbreaking right now. I just want to cry all day. I know all I can do right now is pray and work on myself. But its still hard.

 

[ml5363]

so sorry you feel this way...I will pray for you and your hubby...just dont give up...there is hope...I just had this discussion with a lady at church..where her and her husband are not in a loving relationship anymore...if talking doesn't work...try writing a letter to him...i had to do that a couple times b/c it would either become a screaming match, his ears turned off, or i cried... if nothing else hang in there and pray! May God bless you. Take it to the altar...

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

You are in a difficult trial that the Lord will use to grow your faith and Christ-likeness if you let Him. Marriage is very hard, but our Lord uses it as a tool to transform us, and draw near to Him in complete truth and Truth.

I have found this blog to be extremely helpful: https://peacefulwife.com/

 

[98cwitr]

I think if I were in your husband's shoes I'd be feeling like a failure and my stress levels would be even more amplified by that. Take his self esteem into consideration, and do you think that could be a root cause of the issues?

I know it helps me when my wife shows me extra love by giving me a big hug and a smile when I walk through the door at home. The grimmer my face is, the brighter hers shines...and that makes a lot of the stress subside.

 

[TalwinStark]

Now I havent been married for long (a year and 6 months) but my wife and I make it intentional thing to not allow these things to happen. Recently we had an issue with her doing her masters full time and working as a teacher full time and me working full time at my job and doing ministry we were both stressed. However we decided to have monthly recharge weekends. we would get away from everything and focus on us and God together. Its gotten alot better and we still have tough times but we know that we will be okay. Once a week we also made it a point to have a date night (netflix and pizza) or something like that.

We will be praying for you both and I hope that you find peace.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

How often do you both go to church? Strange question I know.

I say this because I notice the more we skip church (been 5 weeks now), the more we seem distant from God and each other. Like we become more wordily or something. We may have more squabbles, do more things (facebook, tv...etc). But the more we go to church, the more on page we seem to be and get alone even better.

BTW not saying that is the problem in your case. Just sharing things from my marriage. Sometimes the world and life in general can suck up so much of peoples time that they don't bother much with much else, including their spouse.

Maybe you two need some date nights, watch movies like Fireproof. Worse comes to worse go talk to a christian counselor or pastor about it as a couple.

 

[Job8]

So my question is, what do I do while I wait for him to show more effort, besides pray for him?

We can pray for people all we want, but if they are unwilling to repent, they will continue doing what they have done before. You both should be meeting with your pastors or elders and bringing this issue out. Hopefully someone can show your husband that he actually has a spiritual problem. The Lord Jesus Christ has said "Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church", which means action, not simply words. He needs to honestly assess his priorities and then take action.

 

[LinkH]

displacedspirit,
I'd venture to guess that, like a lot of couples, you probably started off feeling like it was easy to talk to each other, comments weren't taken the wrong way, and things were probably not too stressful. Maybe, during this time of long hours and stress, you got in a cycle of not getting along.

I've been going through a time where I work long hours. Fornately, for the most part, my wife and I get along well in spite of the hours. But I have experienced times in grad school where I'd come in late, not sleep much, and she'd want to talk. It seemed inconsiderate at times if she wanted to talk late at night, especially repeating the same thing over and over again, or if she wanted to talk about problems she had with me. And there have been times where it seemed like her topic of conversation was always some problem she had with me. The negativity felt oppressive. The last time that happened, she'd want to discuss some perceived problem, and she'd percieve me as being short with her. She'd get upset over little things like tone of voice, having a gravely voice, or things I didn't feel like I had control over. Or maybe I'd like talk that, letting on that I was annoyed with her constantly finding concerns that seemed rather negative to me, without realizing I was doing on it.

The last time we got in a rut like this, she'd want to talk about issues late at night, and I'd want to sleep or do something else, basically anything else, read something or whatever. She wanted to talk, to communicate. I didn't want the negativity. I think she was being to negative, too fault-finding. She had a kind of negative attitude about me. And I was probably being short with her, not wanting to talk to her. It was a cycle.

How did we get out of it? We talked and prayed it out. She was talking about some fault she percieved in me, probably about me not wanting to talk with her. I pointed out the constant negativity was oppressive and made me not want to talk to her. She's a lot better at finding fault with me than I am with her, so I was finally able to put my finger on my concern and express it, and she seemed to realize it. So we both knew what was bothering the other person.

What did we do? We prayed about it. We apologized to each other. We prayed and asked God for grace to forgive. She prayed about fault finding, negativity, and her attitude toward me. I prayed about listening to her, being supportive, and my attitude towad her. We both stopped just defending ourselves and apologized. Each of us prayed about what each of us needed to do. It was about what "I" need to do, to repent of, etc. And we forgave. It is amazing how if you humble yourselves and ask God to help you repent, forgive, and to have a restored relationship how quickly that can happen.

 

[mkgal1]

I am feeling, still, neglected at times, not appreciated, and any time I talk to him about a topic he may not agree with he automatically deems me "disrespectful" and will blow up on me.

This is what really stands out to me.

How is it that you having your own opinion (and merely expressing it) is considered---by him--to be "disrespectful".....yet him blowing up at you (I assume) isn't considered that way? Does he not believe he should respect you as well?

I'd be curious to know what sort of effort he's planning on putting in. That would be a good start (to hear you.....allow you to voice your opinions, etc...and not "blow up" if you have a different opinion than he does about something).

 

[Tigerfan01]

I don't have a solution, but feel the same. I used to be able to talk openly to my wife about things that were bothering me, but now it seems like Everytime I do, she gets aggravated and it seems to push us further apart. I'm to the point where I hate to even bring things up. I'm just praying one day we can get back to the way things used to be. Prayers for your situation also.

 

[Autumnleaf]

When he is home love him, and find things to do other than resent him. The more you think of yourself the less useful you will be for other things than self pity. Put as much work into somethings that he is putting into providing and you won't have time to wonder if you are happy enough or not.