Unequally yoked question

Paidiske

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The stuff about being bitter and resentful about having to work full time (for things that you want and he doesn't) really stood out to me.

Does it really have to be like that? Is there no middle ground? Is there room for him to, perhaps, work a day less a week and delay some of what you want, in order to allow him to pursue some of what he wants?

That bitterness and resentment, if left unaddressed, isn't going to turn into something good. I'd be inclined to suggest some couples counselling looking at building shared goals and an agreed way of pursuing them that can be healthy for both of you.
 
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tall73

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No my husband seems fine with his lack of faith and doesn't seem conflicted at all about politics. It seems he just needs to tell me that objectively, he is right, and I am wrong. Anyway, if I keep a lot to myself it tends to work out better, which is what I have been doing. He is also bitter and resentful about having to work full time. He bought a house with cash and wanted to "retire" and slowly fix it up by working pt. (He is 31) Got a vasectomy to ensure he would never have kids. Well... I changed my mind and want them, I also wanted to be out of this house sooner rather than later (he bought it before we married, it wasn't a joint decision). So he has to work full time to make a lot of stuff happen, like getting a reverse vas, fixing up the place faster, etc. Every morning before work and every night when he comes home he is absolutely miserable--or at least he puts on a good show for me. I am now learning to detach from that, and stop caring if it's all my fault, etc. I have started to see that he can make the best of this situation or not, and that it's his choice, not mine. I changed, but people change, and marriages have to weather change. Thanks for the advice in this thread.

We used to have similar views, but then I became a Christian. I had a political "deconversion" too. I used to be a social justice warrior type, very deep in the lifestyle, radical leftist, but that has changed quite a bit and I find myself on the conservative side these days. When we met I was living in a house with three other people and not working, going to meditation retreats-- I've grown up a lot.

I spend a lot of time reading political blogs, etc, and occasionally i get involved in the comment section. I ended up meeting someone in the comment section of one, and we have had similar deconversion experiences, politically moving from the far left activist world to a more conservative perspective. Turns out we are also from the same town, he is considering Christianity, etc. We have been emailing, and it doesn't feel right because I generally feel more understood by this person on the internet, more listened to and appreciated, then I do by my husband. I know this is a potentially dangerous situation. It's just pretty crappy all around. But things do seem better around the house, probably because I've been detaching.

TLDR; I am the poster child for why passionate elopement is a terrible idea. I'm digging myself into sin, most likely, and feel hopeless about it, but the marriage is surviving. In need of prayer.

Paidiske raised some important points that I overlooked in my response, and I wanted to clarify something. Has he already reversed the procedure so that he can have children, or is that something you are wanting him to do?

And when you say you changed your mind, you both agreed not to have children, and now you want him to? There are some risks with the surgery, and depending on how long it has been it may not work to produce children. That is a big thing to ask if you originally agreed, then changed your mind. You are not only asking him to have this surgery, but to raise kids he was not planning on having, a huge time and money investment, and to work a bunch more than he wanted to raise money for this and the house.

That may not be reasonable to ask. I can see why he would be bitter. He was married to someone who agreed with him on the major issues of life, agreed with not having children, was in a position where he wouldn't have to work as much, and you have basically said he has to change everything about that life.

Your change in views is something that can't really be helped. But these others may not be something he is ultimately willing to do. If he keeps showing bitterness about it, he doesn't really want to do it. Do you want to raise children with someone who is not bought in? That is a horrible risk. Especially when the marriage is not working now anyway.
 
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sparkle123

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tall 37-- you make good points. At heart, no, I don't think he really wants it. And no, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to raise children, though I think he'd soften up when we had ones.. and so does he. I can't really trust what he says though, when his words and actions don't line up. But the biggest thing is that the marriage is not working.

Just found out he is still looking at inappropriate content, as comcast notified me of three violations of copyright over some videos he downloaded. Solid proof. This is exactly one week before the procedure is scheduled. I feel like there is a message here, but I don't know what.

Look, are we supposed to divorce then? I don't know anymore. I am feeling really sick seeing the inappropriate content watching. He is on the computer all the time playing video games. Paidske, I have tried to suggest he work a different job, etc, but he clings to his bitterness and says he wants to stick with this one through the holidays at least. I do not want to work full time and be the breadwinner in a childless by choice marriage with a childlike husband who plays video games and watches inappropriate content in his free time. Oh, and makes some art too.

We see a marriage counselor who is Catholic, and obviously believes in marriage as lifelong. I just keep thinking ours isn't "real" because it was a civil marriage in a graveyard of all places. God was really not invited or acknowledged. I got tipsy (in recovery now). Perhaps this is an excuse. Still, my mind is really going to this place today.

God doesn't like divorce, but what am I supposed to be thinking about? I should not go through with this procedure, I know. I can see it now. I think this is a clear enough sign of something (finding the inappropriate content a week before we are scheduled to fly out for the procedure).

The funny thing is that I was at church the night he downloaded the copyrighted material. I was confessing the sexual sins of my past, while he is still engaging (unrepentantly, he thinks inappropriate content is stupid, but not wrong) in his. We are not bringing kids into this. The only question now is how long to continue.
 
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FireDragon76

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Wow... I have experience in the Orthodox Church, I am still Orthodox at heart but... I had a bad pastoral experience to say the least (I now go to a mainline Lutheran church). But I understand how that culture works. I can say that if you two staying together it's going to be rough. He also sounds like he is very defensive and when you mirror what he is actually feeling (which is a healthy thing to do), he rejects it, which indicates some deep-seated psychological problems. "Defining your experience" sounds like narcissistic psychobabble to evade the responsibility of being in a real relationship with you. If both of you are steeped in that SJW stuff, then he indeed needs a lot of prayer because he has basically swallowed a bunch of spiritual poison.

The childlessness doesn't fit with the Orthodox ideal of marriage. Even if Orthodox have a more nuanced ethic than Roman Catholics on the issue. It is not a good sign at all. Esp. combined with childish behavior and other signs of emotional immaturity and defensiveness.

I would talk to your priest. It may be that your marriage just cannot work out short of a miracle that leads to repentance on his part. Then again, the Orthodox Church is understanding that some marriages don't work out- especially in this case where there is a basic difference. It may be that you need a divorce or annulment to move on with your life- nobody can demand you be a martyr for something like this.
 
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sparkle123

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Thank you for your words, fire dragon. I feel really comforted by that post, despite how difficult the subject is. I was steeped in the SJW nonsense for most of my 20's. He was kind of heading into that when we met, had a bisexual polyamorous "friend with benefits" (I didn't know of) 7 years younger than him, was living with a polyamorous lesbian couple in an "intentional community" of mostly academics who are into these kind of things (BLM, poly, meditating, etc) It was a quick marriage and I never was comfortable with his community here; as a result we don't really talk to any of them. I was never a democrat and now a republican--just a wing nutty type attracted to the radical left who has become more socially conservative due to a religious and spiritual conversion. I found meaningful work and just wanted to grow up, whatever that means.

He may be one of the most psychologically defended people I have ever met. He had a difficult childhood (we all do, but his dad was/is an abusive alcoholic) and at the core of it he really hates himself. I know what that's like so I can't judge, but I wish he'd do something to try to heal. It seems he's committed to his self-loathing, though.

I know on some level I shouldn't martyr myself to this but I keep going back and forth between feeling how sinful divorce is and then how hopeless this marriage is... And I don't want to accept that this whole thing could be the result of sin. I don't understand why God would have me in such a situation when marriage is sacred and yet this is untenable-- I can only see that I am a terrible sinner who made a mockery of marriage (civil wedding in a graveyard plus a vasectomy) and is now having to face the consequences of my sin (divorce).

We fought last night and he told me to go f my self, screaming that I was dictating his emotions and not admitting it and therefore I am a liar--which fits with his pattern of escalating things. still uncertain what I did to cause that outburst. Later on when I sit down to ask him what he's doing (writing) he tells me to leave him alone then when I did he accused me of being angry and hating him. I was beyond exhausted at the craziness of it and just asked to go to sleep. He apologized for being defensive but I think I've just had enough and I don't believe his apologies.

We have therapy tomorrow. I will talk to him there before reaching out to my priest. I still haven't cancelled the surgery nor brought it up as a possibility but I will tonight. He was saying he doesn't want to try for children for another year after the reversal at least. It's always some reason like our marriage is bad, intimate life bad (told me it was more frequent w/his former girlfriends, part of why he watches inappropriate content) he wants more definite plans, etc. I agree that we should not have children now though and I was probably delusional before. Perhaps a separation is a good idea. Will have to talk in counseling tomorrow. Thanks for all the replies. this forum has been a good place of support. I love him but am wondering how healthy or realistic this is. He is my best friend but I don't know how we will make it through life together. It's a sad time any prayer is appreciated.
 
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FireDragon76

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I'm actually a lifelong Democrat. The Orthodox church didn't really change me- it actually made me a little more liberal. That was a part of my pastoral problem, among other things- I live in a very culturally conservative area, and my priest was formerly a conservative Presbyterian and seemed to have perfectionistic streak that I could never please (I'm actually only a catechumen, I was never chrismated despite spending years attending). But I can understand where you are coming from. That isn't to say I'm a moralist that expects perfection but I believe once we are enlightened by the grace of God our desires begin to change.

I've been in a similar situation to what you faced, though for me it was a bit reversed. Obey the rules and suffer a martyrdom you don't want for little chance of reward and be miserable, or sin and trust in God. And it's often better to be a real sinner and trust in God. I guess that's the Luther in me talking. Once you have reached a limit where it seems like you can be no more humble or obedient than you are, pray for God to show you the true desires of your heart, and follow them. God loves you, and he will continue to be kind and merciful to you, even if your obedience falls short of the ideal.

I do think you should have as much compassion as possible for your husband - examine yourself and make sure the ways you interact with him are not judgmental.
 
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Kaleb5000

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My wife and I are unequally yoked. We were married for 8 years before I became a Christian. We have mutual agreement we do not talk about religion period. Our conversations never end well so we just focus on us and our kids and leave religion out of it. Which I must say is extremely hard. I am so deep in my faith and truly enjoy talking about it but at home we just keep our beliefs to ourselves.


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