Unequally yoked question

sparkle123

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can you be yourself around your spouse? If I share opinions or thoughts with my husband he challenges then and argues and then accuses me of not letting him be himself. It's crazy, because he's the one doing that to me. If I point out how angry he is he tells me I am defining his experience and telling him what he feels (which is, of course, a grave wrong). We argue a lot but I'm thinking of just keeping my political and social and basically every other opinion to myself to make this work. If I say something as innocuous as "it was meant to be" that's an opening for him to say "it's random chance." I'm an anxious wreck a lot. I don't know how or if we can learn to disagree. He acts mopey and sad a lot and I end up bending over backward to make him happy. I just don't know how to make it work and wonder if any other "unequally yoked" people with spouses of differing opinions and beliefs have made it work.
 

ValleyGal

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Stop trying to make him happy. That is a start. Happiness can only come from within. Here is a little interesting research (the stats are for Canada):
50% of our happiness comes from genetics
10% of our happiness comes from circumstances
40% of our happiness is something we can control!

Notice that it does not say you control for someone else... he has to control it himself.

Have you ever explained to him that it's okay for you both to have an opinion even if they differ? After all, relationships are not about being exactly alike; they are about respecting each other's right to individuality. That mutual respect is what makes the marriage an equal yoke. But he needs to also respect that you have your opinions too, and simply agree to disagree. You can say something like "I respect your opinion. Here is my opinion." and then give it. If he starts arguing about it, ask him why it seems so hard for him to accept that you have a different opinion than he has. I think it's really important to talk about the respect (more than the subject at hand).
 
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NothingIsImpossible

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For us there aren't many issues we disagree about. But the ones we do disagree about we tend to avoid those topics. They aren't about anything important in day to day life. Hard part of marriage is you have to be one. Which means sometimes letting go of an issue and agreeing to disagree. When we are single its much easier to be in control. We can think what we want, say what we want, do what we want. In marriage its not so easy. But in alot of ways that helps us improve.

My wife has pointed out some of my issues I need to work on such as having a hard time saying something online on a issue I am upset with (like lets say current politics). She said its best if I say nothing online since people like to argue. So I've learned to let go and say nothing online. But, we should realize we don't marry in hopes of changing our spouse. Sure maybe there things that need to change, like if they blow money or something, but usually most things we want changed are little things that aren't the end of the world and we have to accept.

I still remember a story where a wife divorced a husband because he threw his clothes where Ever. Chair, bed, floor...etc. It drove her nuts. Silly reason to divorce of course. I can say I am a clean freak, and my wife... well.... lol. Shes not messy but things can get interesting at times. At first I drove myself nuts about it. I'd even be sarcastic with her (which I have also learned not to do). Now I've accepted I can't expect her to be a clean freak like me. Anyways shes working and what not.

VG above said it best. Though he being a bit immature by acting mopey unless you bend over backwards for him. He needs to accept this is marriage.
 
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Dave-W

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Stop trying to make him happy. That is a start.
It beats the alternatives of either not caring how someone feels or purposefully trying to make them unhappy.
 
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ValleyGal

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Those are not the only alternatives. One healthy alternative is to be responsible for your own happiness, and let others be responsible for theirs. Just because you don't bend over backwards for someone doesn't mean you don't care about how they feel or that you are deliberately trying to make them unhappy. It simply means that you are not going to become a people-pleaser and have healthy boundaries.
 
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Dave-W

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One healthy alternative is to be responsible for your own happiness, and let others be responsible for theirs.
Does that not fall short of the christian doctrine of "Its not about me?"
 
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ValleyGal

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No. If you do everything you can possibly do to make someone else happy, there is no guarantee they are going to be happy - or stay happy unless you sustain that level of "doing" whatever you're doing to make them happy. Iow, what you do to make someone else happy is only part of the 10% of circumstantial happiness. There are people who are unhappy and miserable no matter how much others will bend over backward for them. Why? Because they do not see the good; they see whatever is negative and will dwell on that one negative thing in spite of the 100 positive things. In the same way, you can have someone who is happy no matter what others do around them, simply because they have learned optimism, gratitude, and other contributing factors for their happiness. Happiness is a state of being....not an external, other-driven emotion.
 
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Dave-W

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No - I think you misunderstood me. I am writing from a Wesleyan viewpoint, not a Reform one.
IT is taught "J O Y = Jesus, Others, and (sometimes) You."

Personal happiness is downgraded and sometimes viewed as sinful/selfish.
 
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live4Christ2016

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can you be yourself around your spouse? If I share opinions or thoughts with my husband he challenges then and argues and then accuses me of not letting him be himself. It's crazy, because he's the one doing that to me. If I point out how angry he is he tells me I am defining his experience and telling him what he feels (which is, of course, a grave wrong). We argue a lot but I'm thinking of just keeping my political and social and basically every other opinion to myself to make this work. If I say something as innocuous as "it was meant to be" that's an opening for him to say "it's random chance." I'm an anxious wreck a lot. I don't know how or if we can learn to disagree. He acts mopey and sad a lot and I end up bending over backward to make him happy. I just don't know how to make it work and wonder if any other "unequally yoked" people with spouses of differing opinions and beliefs have made it work.

Stop talking to him about your beliefs. It's obvious you are both on different levels of faith and believing.
Start by praying for him and work on your relationship with Christ. You will never convince him on your own...and you will need to just change the subject, walk away, ignore, or simply tell him you will not debate.
Allow God to change him by praying. Only God can change his heart. It might take years, but with God anything can happen.
When he acts mopey and sad it's a ploy to get you to give in. That is very childish and sounds like he needs to grow up.
 
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ValleyGal

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No - I think you misunderstood me. I am writing from a Wesleyan viewpoint, not a Reform one.
IT is taught "J O Y = Jesus, Others, and (sometimes) You."

Personal happiness is downgraded and sometimes viewed as sinful/selfish.
Again, happiness does not mean you don't put Jesus and others before yourself. Here are the qualities/characteristics of someone who is in control of their own happiness:
Optimistic
Savor life
Spiritual
Have goals
Helpful
Have good social support
Gratitude

The Bible supports each of these qualities. And the Bible supports happiness. In fact, the Bible supports deliberate joy even in times of trial. Being a believer is not all about suffering. Jesus was happy, and God(head) created us in his (their) image, and God knows all emotions including happiness.

No matter what about happiness, though, the OP is not responsible to make her husband happy. We are all responsible for our own emotions.
 
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yeshuaslavejeff

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The desire for happiness , when a person is crucified with Christ(as it is written)
goes away.
Joy, Peace, and Righteousness result,all freely, given with Life in Jesus,
with no need for happiness, and other emotional carnal desires.(yes, this really happens!)
The character God the Creator wants in us is then developed as He molds us and accomplishes His Purpose in us.
-----------------------------------------------------
We argue a lot but I'm thinking of just keeping my political and social and basically every other opinion to myself to make this work.
As someone else said(posted) already,
as it is also written, yes. (This choice is in line with God's Plan and His Word.)

wonder if any other "unequally yoked" people with spouses of differing opinions and beliefs have made it work.
Yes by simply (truly simply) relying on God the Father through faith in Jesus, by grace, a gift also.
The Father knows all things for all time - nothing is a surprise to Him, ever.....
And He granted generously in His Plan for all of us,
that every possible need is met,everything concerning our lives and salvation is provided for,
even before the world was created He knew and purposed everything.
 
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sparkle123

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Thank you for the responses there is a lot to think about here. I don't talk much about faith with him but we discuss politics and the news and have very different views there. So I guess politics and religion are not subjects we should discuss? Well, I will try. I know it's not my job to make him happy but he is so miserable that I feel like I have to sometimes. Our marriage kind of wears me out to be honest. Still, I know that I'm the one who brings that tendency into things.
 
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Ana the Ist

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can you be yourself around your spouse? If I share opinions or thoughts with my husband he challenges then and argues and then accuses me of not letting him be himself. It's crazy, because he's the one doing that to me. If I point out how angry he is he tells me I am defining his experience and telling him what he feels (which is, of course, a grave wrong). We argue a lot but I'm thinking of just keeping my political and social and basically every other opinion to myself to make this work. If I say something as innocuous as "it was meant to be" that's an opening for him to say "it's random chance." I'm an anxious wreck a lot. I don't know how or if we can learn to disagree. He acts mopey and sad a lot and I end up bending over backward to make him happy. I just don't know how to make it work and wonder if any other "unequally yoked" people with spouses of differing opinions and beliefs have made it work.


It can work...but only if you respect each other's beliefs.
 
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tall73

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Does your husband have his own doubts about his faith or politics? It may be that you discussing it with him raises things he is not ready to deal with?

Have you always had different views on things?

He could be angry just because he doesn't want to be bothered. Or it could be that something in the discussion is causing anger because of his inability to process it.

Are there any topics he does enjoy discussing with you? Or do you feel he doesn't really want to be around you in general?
 
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sparkle123

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No my husband seems fine with his lack of faith and doesn't seem conflicted at all about politics. It seems he just needs to tell me that objectively, he is right, and I am wrong. Anyway, if I keep a lot to myself it tends to work out better, which is what I have been doing. He is also bitter and resentful about having to work full time. He bought a house with cash and wanted to "retire" and slowly fix it up by working pt. (He is 31) Got a vasectomy to ensure he would never have kids. Well... I changed my mind and want them, I also wanted to be out of this house sooner rather than later (he bought it before we married, it wasn't a joint decision). So he has to work full time to make a lot of stuff happen, like getting a reverse vas, fixing up the place faster, etc. Every morning before work and every night when he comes home he is absolutely miserable--or at least he puts on a good show for me. I am now learning to detach from that, and stop caring if it's all my fault, etc. I have started to see that he can make the best of this situation or not, and that it's his choice, not mine. I changed, but people change, and marriages have to weather change. Thanks for the advice in this thread.

We used to have similar views, but then I became a Christian. I had a political "deconversion" too. I used to be a social justice warrior type, very deep in the lifestyle, radical leftist, but that has changed quite a bit and I find myself on the conservative side these days. When we met I was living in a house with three other people and not working, going to meditation retreats-- I've grown up a lot.

I spend a lot of time reading political blogs, etc, and occasionally i get involved in the comment section. I ended up meeting someone in the comment section of one, and we have had similar deconversion experiences, politically moving from the far left activist world to a more conservative perspective. Turns out we are also from the same town, he is considering Christianity, etc. We have been emailing, and it doesn't feel right because I generally feel more understood by this person on the internet, more listened to and appreciated, then I do by my husband. I know this is a potentially dangerous situation. It's just pretty crappy all around. But things do seem better around the house, probably because I've been detaching.

TLDR; I am the poster child for why passionate elopement is a terrible idea. I'm digging myself into sin, most likely, and feel hopeless about it, but the marriage is surviving. In need of prayer.
 
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Mudinyeri

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It sounds as though, much like a significant portion of the U.S.'s population, the two of you need to learn to disagree without being disagreeable. There is absolutely no reason that you can't respect one another even though you may have opposite points of view on many things.

You can be the one to make the first move in this direction.
 
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tall73

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No my husband seems fine with his lack of faith and doesn't seem conflicted at all about politics. It seems he just needs to tell me that objectively, he is right, and I am wrong. Anyway, if I keep a lot to myself it tends to work out better, which is what I have been doing. He is also bitter and resentful about having to work full time. He bought a house with cash and wanted to "retire" and slowly fix it up by working pt. (He is 31) Got a vasectomy to ensure he would never have kids. Well... I changed my mind and want them, I also wanted to be out of this house sooner rather than later (he bought it before we married, it wasn't a joint decision). So he has to work full time to make a lot of stuff happen, like getting a reverse vas, fixing up the place faster, etc. Every morning before work and every night when he comes home he is absolutely miserable--or at least he puts on a good show for me. I am now learning to detach from that, and stop caring if it's all my fault, etc. I have started to see that he can make the best of this situation or not, and that it's his choice, not mine. I changed, but people change, and marriages have to weather change. Thanks for the advice in this thread.

We used to have similar views, but then I became a Christian. I had a political "deconversion" too. I used to be a social justice warrior type, very deep in the lifestyle, radical leftist, but that has changed quite a bit and I find myself on the conservative side these days. When we met I was living in a house with three other people and not working, going to meditation retreats-- I've grown up a lot.

I spend a lot of time reading political blogs, etc, and occasionally i get involved in the comment section. I ended up meeting someone in the comment section of one, and we have had similar deconversion experiences, politically moving from the far left activist world to a more conservative perspective. Turns out we are also from the same town, he is considering Christianity, etc. We have been emailing, and it doesn't feel right because I generally feel more understood by this person on the internet, more listened to and appreciated, then I do by my husband. I know this is a potentially dangerous situation. It's just pretty crappy all around. But things do seem better around the house, probably because I've been detaching.

TLDR; I am the poster child for why passionate elopement is a terrible idea. I'm digging myself into sin, most likely, and feel hopeless about it, but the marriage is surviving. In need of prayer.

So does he still lean left in his politics?

It may be that he feels he is always having to defend his views since yours have changed. In that scenario your change from similar views to different views may have put him in a position where he feels he has to justify why he did not likewise change. This may come across as having to say that he is right and you are wrong. But why would that be so important unless he sees the changes as a threat to what he thinks?

As to the emotional ties to the other person, yes, that could be problematic for the relationship as well. If you decide to just be quiet towards your husband, and open up more to this other person it will eventually change your perception on the marriage and you will likely resent it more. Somehow you have to find a way to still connect with your husband, despite the differences.

What has he said about your change in views? How does he characterize it or describe you after this?
 
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dhh712

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No my husband seems fine with his lack of faith and doesn't seem conflicted at all about politics. It seems he just needs to tell me that objectively, he is right, and I am wrong. Anyway, if I keep a lot to myself it tends to work out better, which is what I have been doing. He is also bitter and resentful about having to work full time. He bought a house with cash and wanted to "retire" and slowly fix it up by working pt. (He is 31) Got a vasectomy to ensure he would never have kids. Well... I changed my mind and want them, I also wanted to be out of this house sooner rather than later (he bought it before we married, it wasn't a joint decision). So he has to work full time to make a lot of stuff happen, like getting a reverse vas, fixing up the place faster, etc. Every morning before work and every night when he comes home he is absolutely miserable--or at least he puts on a good show for me. I am now learning to detach from that, and stop caring if it's all my fault, etc. I have started to see that he can make the best of this situation or not, and that it's his choice, not mine. I changed, but people change, and marriages have to weather change. Thanks for the advice in this thread.

We used to have similar views, but then I became a Christian. I had a political "deconversion" too. I used to be a social justice warrior type, very deep in the lifestyle, radical leftist, but that has changed quite a bit and I find myself on the conservative side these days. When we met I was living in a house with three other people and not working, going to meditation retreats-- I've grown up a lot.

I spend a lot of time reading political blogs, etc, and occasionally i get involved in the comment section. I ended up meeting someone in the comment section of one, and we have had similar deconversion experiences, politically moving from the far left activist world to a more conservative perspective. Turns out we are also from the same town, he is considering Christianity, etc. We have been emailing, and it doesn't feel right because I generally feel more understood by this person on the internet, more listened to and appreciated, then I do by my husband. I know this is a potentially dangerous situation. It's just pretty crappy all around. But things do seem better around the house, probably because I've been detaching.

TLDR; I am the poster child for why passionate elopement is a terrible idea. I'm digging myself into sin, most likely, and feel hopeless about it, but the marriage is surviving. In need of prayer.

Your story sounds a lot like what almost happened to me. I was very much a radical leftist, very liberal, was in a relationship with someone who has the same views. Then I was converted and my views changed with that; I've become much more conservative. It always has been a wonder to me that I never married the person I was with for so long; we had talked about it and had been engaged for a while. I have to see it as that it wasn't God's plan for me.

I will pray for you. It would be a great trial to be married to an unbeliever. May God strengthen you in faith and keep you close to him.
 
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